what the fuck even is the naruto timeline

Man makes his hand-mouths make out with each other

There's a girl who climaxes when you bite her. Biting her heals you

Death cult that grants you immortality flops due to the only member dying

Akatsuki rings hold power to unseal The Moon Lady

3rd Hokage says that a 9 year old orphan is evil incarnate

The fabled "so powerful that if you use it, it kills you" jutsu kills nobody

A guy absorbs his lord and tries to become him

Konoha has a special torture unit. They give children written exams

Aliens are canon. They fight aliens from that point on

Main character gets replaced by Some Guy. The guy loses relevaI nce after an arc

You can't trick me! ALL of these happened

I watched/read Naruto and know the answer