Just Another Fucked Up Blonde

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

They can look like fearing carbs and fats and they can look like carefully planned ‘junk food’.

They can look like drinking litres of water and they can look like a fear of liquids.

They can look like constant adrenaline-fueled activity and they can look like being unable to move.

They can look like strict regimes and they can look like a jumbled mess.

They can look like constant checking in mirrors and they can look like a fear of your reflection.

They can look like loved ones begging you to change and they can look like nobody knowing there’s a problem. 

They can look like drips and tubes and they can look like being physically healthy.

They can look like relapses and recovery attempts and they can look like never changing.

They can look like countless behaviours always changing and they can look like the same thing every day.

They can look like isolating yourself from the world and they can look like an active social life.

They can look like years of treatment and they can look like never getting help.

They can look like understanding that there is a problem and they can look like complete denial.