I was thrust forward into the world, in a life I did not chose yet alone one that I’d settle for. The body I walked in seemed like a poorly fitted dress, too baggy at places, wasn’t the right and was far too large. My body, a battlefield, one that keeps on growing yet for all the wrong reasons. Each step I took, each word I murmured and each breath I drew was not mine, mine were stolen for what seemed far from my reach.
The world was a stage, and I was left without a character to perform on. And yet, at the same time, I’m one of the greatest actors, for my whole “life” I’ve been putting on a facade of bliss, and being someone I am not, and whilst my smiles shine true and I wear a brave face, ultimately it’s all an act, a lie and a deceit, one that I placed onto my self and am forced to endure. Sometimes I wonder if people can see through my disguise, but I’m grasping at straws of faux hope.
On the streets, each persons face is apart of a sea, yet my face has still yet to be seen. When I look into the mirror, I see what everyone else sees; a reflection, far from what I actually am. I have dreams, aspirations and wishes, yet I can not possibly achieve them right now.
Each day I live is more painful and taxing than the last, my body changes and as it does my chances dim. I used to tell myself I’m indestructible yet now I wither up like a poppy in the derelicts of a harsh winter wasteland. Part of me wants to thank Jake -- The person that I’ve come accustomed to the last 16 years, however it seems unfitting to thank an enemy. Jake will soon be gone, castaway into nothingness, all the relations he grew will be gone too. Because though Jake may have seemed to be organic and boundless, he was nothing more than faux. A poor intimation of what I thought was normal. The clock is ticking, and Jake is battling to live, but he never will. However, Jake is dangerous, and the chances of him leaving a mark on my new body to come is getting higher and higher with each tick the clocks arm turns.
This is what Dysphoria feels like to me.
