trying to make sense of the world

i know it’s not that deep.

but my heart was never one to be wholly logical. especially when i cut it open and gave a small piece to you, someone who is ultimately a stranger at the end of the day.

it is hard not to wonder how you think of me. it doesn’t matter i don’t know how you read my words and saw me in the letter i gave you. and i know it doesn’t matter that you are a familiar stranger to me, while i am a fleeting face that hasn’t crossed your mind since our paths last did.

yet in that letter, i wrote out my history to you in depths i hadn’t before and rarely since. i told you about some of my truths and darkest shadows in an honesty you can only have with someone you will never meet again...

i heard you’re getting married soon.

my best friend, our mutual friend, told me the news on our way to brunch a while ago. she said you sent her an invitation for your wedding later in the summer. i smiled and said it was good for you that you were going to tie the knot soon.

what i didn’t tell her was that it stung that you didn’t send me an invite.

a wedding is considered to be one of the most important days of your life and largest social events you experience. so much that you invite those who matter most in your life, even if they have taken on minor roles or are not as present in your life. and knowing how you were (and still are), i know that you would extend an invitation to as many people as possible.

but you didn’t invite me? the best friend who was your other half throughout all four years of high school? i would have thought that if you invited our mutual friend, who you are now only in touch with very occasionally, i would have followed right behind.

there are two phantoms who live in a haunted house: one who is a recluse and stays within the walls one who keeps on searching as if still alive both unable to move on. it is a tale as old as time when you hear the wails and listen to the oh-so brutal tragedy of a slaughter that was invisible.

it started with a simple but heartfelt promise (as all good hauntings do) that everything will stay the same and He will not leave her black and blue as She gave him a sad smile half-joking his word better stay true He rolls his eyes saying She is dramatic when She took snapshots as She knew

it seems so easy, doesn’t it?

you said the wrong choice of words, and your intentions are misinterpreted. confrontations are made, and the guilt ramps up in a show of tears and raised voices. you enter the chapel for service. you kneel and pray to god for forgiveness for how events unfolded, and that those you hurt will find it in their hearts to forgive you. as you leave church, your conscience is lighter than when you entered.

you did the work in seeking forgiveness, clear as day where everyone could see. and yet, you remain frustrated that you are still called out. you claim it is blown out of proportion, that it is not as big of a deal as it is. the work has been done, why can’t everyone just move on and pretend it didn’t happen?

It is once again the season of love. Or for the perpetually single, it is the reminder from society that you are missing out on romance. So much love in the air, but only for that special someone you shower with chocolates and roses and a night out to a fancy restaurant or show. And if you have the misfortune of spending that time alone, well, at least you have romcoms to fill the void and remind you of what you don’t have.

In modern times, I have seen Valentine’s Day as a holiday celebrated mostly to spend exorbitant amounts of money. You can’t walk into a grocery store without having a dedicated section with pink and red boxes of chocolates this time of year. There is endless promotion to buy special perfumes or makeup you will use for one night before they collect dust on your shelf. And it is all for your romantic partner, not so much to spread the love to other people.