There points here that I completely agree with, and some I’d like to add onto and maybe slightly challenge a bit.
Sex and smut can absolutely be used to explore intimacy and interpersonal relationships. Things like sex and romance are complicated things that people attached complex things like emotions and social dynamics too.
But, there’s 2 things I’d like to bring up that are interrelated to each other.
1. Not everyone has the same views and feelings on relationships and intimacy.
2. And something I find more personal and important, sex isn’t and shouldn’t be seen as the only way to approach intimacy and relationships.
Sex, at the end of the day is just an activity, that people can do be free to do and people can be free to never engage in sexual stuff at all. People due to society attach some much very complex and even conflicting stuff to sex.
To some people sex is the ultimate way to be intimate with someone and can reveal deep stuff about a person. Other people just see sex as a fun thing to do. I’ve seen some people call sex as more a hobby to them. Some people just see sex as body horror, some say that positively and some more negatively. A whole wide range differing views, thus the same views on intimacy can’t be applied to everyone.
Intimacy isn’t just a sexual thing, for many people on the ace and aro spectrum sex and romance just aren’t deep things, others on those same spectrums do seem then as deep things though. Intimacy for sex repulsed aces has nothing to do with sex.
A sex favourable ace person may not view sex as this deep soul-binding thing, but just a thing they like doing with their partner that they can take or leave.
Having sex as a casual thing doesn’t fit into the view that sex is inherently deep emotional intimacy. Platonic relationships that involve sex, like friends-with-benefits and even some Queer Platonic Relations, are fascinating to me in their own rite because they don’t fit into the neat definitions and ruled of relationships that society imposes.
For me, as a sex repulsed aroace man, I find deep intimacy in conversations and time spent doing activities with other people. Sex is not a thing I have ever done or want to do. But I still find deep connection with others without sex. The idea that sex is inherently the deepest and more intimate way to be with someone is an idea I hate with all my being, it unintentionally gives the viewpoint that for people like me my relationships aren’t important enough or valid enough.
And fiction can be a great place to explore all of that.
Since I’m aroace a lot of my own characters are ace and/or aro, but I love exploring the interpersonal dynamics that these ace characters have and even the dynamics of some more sex favourable characters I’ve created. It’s a lot of fun to write characters with conflicting views on sex, relationships and intimacy and have them interact. And I love exploring the attitudes of characters who are sex favourable. I want to explore and understand why people like sex and kink to better understand those parts of people better, and I do that through writing characters with more pleasant and happier attitudes to sex and romance than I have.
For example, I am really interested in exploring sexual relationships in a completely platonic relationship. Mixing sex with platonic connections is something I would never personally do, but I want to explore the dynamic of people who do mix those things together.
Just in general untying sex with inherently deep and emotional and intimate is something that’s need for a more sex positive world. Sex positivity is about sexual autonomy, and that includes saying no. There should definitely be more stories exploring intimacy and relationships dynamics without romance or sex needed to make it deep, likewise stories where there are relationships involving sex but aren’t treated as automatically deep are just as important. Of course stories where sex is deep and intimate for the characters involved is still, I just want the inherent view that romance and especially sex are emotionally deep to no longer exist.