#ace characters

My first answer is, you can’t. You can’t make it so unambiguous that everybody understands and gets it and respects it. There will always be people who don’t get it and people who refuse to get it, people who don’t think aromanticism or asexuality is a real or meaningful thing and think that every character is automatically more realistic and more interesting if they have romance and sex. You’re not writing for those people. You’re writing for the people who are open to Getting It.

You want to write an aro or an ace character. Awesome! I love seeing more aro and ace characters.

You could have them identify themselves directly using the words “aromantic” or “asexual” or other terms like “demisexual” or “sex-repulsed” or “aro-allo” or “quoiromantic.” Tried and true and certainly unambiguous. However, what I always think about in such scenes:

What social circles is this character in that they know these words? In a realistic contemporary setting, identifying with these labels implies a source of connection with (usually young-skewing) queer communities, and/or an active online presence. “Asexual” has had more awareness-raising outside of internet spaces than “aromantic” has, but both raise the question of, where dod this character learn these terms? How did they come to connect and identify with them? What is their engagement with queer spaces and queer community like? It implies a certain positionality!

If they are telling another character they are aromantic or asexual: why? What is the context of this scene? Why did they bring it up? Would THIS character bring it up THIS way? Tailor the discussion to the character’s personality, what they want from this interaction, how they feel about their identity, how they feel about telling personal things to the person they’re talking to, IF they consider it a personal thing.

If it’s a fantasy or sci-fi setting: do they use the same sexuality words we do? Why? What is their framework for understanding identity, attraction, desire, sexuality? The answer can be “yes, they do so because I want them to” but I never like it when the answer is “yes, because that’s the singular correct way to understand sexuality and identity, we’ve solved it”

Thinking about these things makes such scenes stronger and feel less contrived than just dropping “by the way, I’m aromantic” or the Asexuality 101 Speech.

If you’re writing in a historical, fantasy, or sci-fi setting where they don’t use the same sexuality words or frameworks, or the character is just not the type of person to tell someone “I’m aromantic asexual” straight up, other character aspects have to do that work. But there are plenty of ways to portray this!

A character pledges herself as a virgin priestess of a virgin goddess. Instead of finding it sad or difficult, she finds it freeing or relieving. Her relationships with the other priestesses in the temple community are fulfilling and what she wants.

A character wanted to become a priest, monk, or nun at one point in their life, and found the “no sex or marriage” aspect a plus rather than a strain. If they ended up not going through with it, it was because of loss of faith, finding a different passion, converting to a different religion, flaking out of seminary, being queer and finding that irreconcilable, or realizing they didn’t want the actual duties expected, not because of the sex/marriage thing.

A character lives alone, and it may be a struggle, but finding a partner to live with would feel worse.

A character is a spaceport bartender who is friendly with all the spacers coming and going; one spacer is their ex, the last person they dated. It was decades ago, and they struggled with the relationship before realizing that it wasn’t going to work out, and they thought that the long-distance thing would be the hard part but actually the erratic long-distanceness was kind of appealing because it allowed them to put off thinking about what in the relationship was a struggle and ultimately that it wasn’t really what they wanted. Now they’re single and have been for decades, and are happy that way, happier than they were in the relationship, and they might be on fond and friendly terms with their ex or they might be awkward about it.

A character has a casual-sex relationship with a friend, and they both agree at the outset that it will stay casual and friendly and will not become a romantic Dating Relationship. Character 1 catches feelings anyway, and expects Character 2 to reciprocate them; Char2 doesn’t, and says, we agreed this would not become romantic! Even if Char1 is hurt, the narrative is sympathetic to Char2 and Char2 does not “come around” to entering a romantic relationship with Char1. Or maybe they feel guilted into doing so and it goes badly and ruins their friendship with resentment until they break up. The narrative should be sympathetic to Char2’s desires regardless.

A character breaks up with their partner to go on an Adventure and realizes they like being single more than they like having a partner (not just this partner, any partner at all), and don’t want to seek out a partner either on the adventure or after they return.

Character 1 feels romantic attraction/desire for Character 2. Character 2 feels strongly for character 1, but has no romantic feelings for them whatsoever. They both spend their relationship arc figuring out what their relationship should be, because they are important to each other but in different ways and they don’t want to lose each other as they navigate asymmetrical feelings.

In a setting where having children is considered a very important life goal and priority, a character deals with their conflicting desires to have children (whether they actually want children or want the social respectability that brings) vs. their complete lack of desire for sex.

A character skips sex scenes in media, and/or complains about or heckles the ubiquity of poorly written romantic drama.

A character lives with roommates and is happy with that and doesn’t want that to change; or, when their roommate leaves to move in with a romantic partner, they feel a loss and fear of being left behind.

A character has experienced sexual attraction/desire only once before, to a previous partner after knowing them for a long time; now they are with a different partner and experience no sexual attraction/desire for them, and either they or the partner are feeling uncomfortable about that. Ideally this doesn’t resolve in an “aha!” moment where they finally feel sexual attraction/desire after all because I think it’s an underexplored demisexual narrative of having felt sexual attraction to a previous partner you’re no longer with, but not your current partner, and having to deal with the fact that it doesn’t mean you love them any less, you’re just asexual spectrum and don’t control when the attraction/desire hppens.

A character is just, happily single through the whole story and not looking.

So I am once again asking all allo people who write bloodymary to make it just a little bit less strictly romantic and/or sexual.

Look, you don't have to stop shipping. I don't like telling people what they can and cannot enjoy, because I think that trying to decide what is "acceptable" to enjoy sucks so much joy out of fandom. But please for a moment at least consider an aroace lense to this.

Make them platonic. Make them a qpr (and I do mean genuinely changing how they interact with each other, not just throwing the label on it and calling it a day--like for example maybe kissing is fine but they don't make out. Or maybe how open Grace is to physical affection changes based on the day and they figure out a rhythm.) If you're dead set on romantic feelings--weird hill to die on but okay maybe you just want to write/draw them being intimate--you could make Grace demi and highlight how unusual of an experience this is and how out of his depth he feels. I'm also a fan of Simon being some flavor of aroace too, and I can only imagine intimacy was something he never really got to experience at all, or pushed down in favor of his other duties.

Doctor Robby who can't hold down a relationship no matter how hard he tries.

Doctor Robby who pushes it down, and down, and down, doting on his partner is any way other than that, until it becomes too much and he can't he just can't, and fuck-

Doctor Robby, who has just realised he's asexual, by reading a fucking facebook post.

Shit.

It wasn't even a good one.

He sighs, swears, sighs again, swears some more, and presses his hands into his eyes harder than he should.

Of all fucking nights.

An executive decision is made that fifty one is too late to have a sexuality crisis, the laptop is closed, and Robby at least pretends to sleep.

Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work.

But it’s fine. Manageable, at least.

Or it was.

Because now he’s fifty four, like nearly one hundred percent convinced that asexual is the only word to describe what’s wrong with him, and Jack Abbot is asking him out on a date.

Like a real date.

And yeah, logically he knows that being ace is an okay thing, but what if jack doesn’t know what that is and he has to explain it all, then jack realises how awful and manipulative he is and hates him, and then they stop being friends all because Robby’s brain is too fucking stupid to just do the thing that every other human on the planet loves so fucking much-

And before they’ve even sat down over a candlelit dinner, Robby’s stupid fucking mouth blurts out “would you want to have sex with me?”

Because as much as he doesn’t want to, he needs to know.

Because jack deserves someone who can give him longer than seven weeks.

And speaking of the guy, he takes it about as well as he could have.

Sure, he stands there, mouth opening and shutting like a particularly gormless fish, but once he scrapes his chin from the tiles he says:

“Listen man, I was hoping this would come up at least a little bit later, and like I completely get if it’s like a total dealbreaker or whatever…” he looks down and lowers his voice, “…but the, erm, pipes are a bit rusty these days, if you know what I mean…”

Robby looks confused.

Abbot sighs.

“The old metro gets bunged up…?” He tries.

Robby just looks more confused.

Jack rubs the back of his neck before whispering:

“Man to man, I have… erectile dysfunction.”

“So you don’t want sex?” Robby clarifies.

Jack shrugs. “Kinda? It’s fun to jerk off every so often, but the sheer quantity of viagra sorta ruins the mood.”

Robby laughs. Actually laughs.

He beams from ear to ear.

“Nah brother, it’s cool. I can’t fucking stand it.”

–Random characters with Ace vibes–

Yeah, I know, it's a weird group to look at.

I don't know why I'm like this🤣

I'm late as always. °-°''