Bee Boi

In Clark's defence, he’s been told his whole life by the people he trusts the most, the only two that knew his secret, to never tell it to anyone. If one person finds out, then they’re gonna tell the wrong person and take him away from them. He’ll be turned into an experiment or a weapon, probably both, and he’ll never see his parents or friends again. Never have the normal life he dreams of.

But then, he told Pete. More as a defence, to protect himself from Chloe finding out and posting an article about the spaceship front and center on the Torch. But he’d be lying if he said that was the sole reason for telling Pete. That he hadn’t ached for a reason to tell someone. 

Lana’s face fell for a moment before she seemed to find something interesting in Clark’s face. She was studying him, trying to figure out how the gears were turning in his head, like if she only found the one that was snagged she could finally find the cause of Clark Kent’s weird behaviours. He sees that look on her a lot. “No. There’s something else you’re not telling me.” 

There’s a lot I’m not telling you, Clark wanted to say. But he couldn’t, because then she would push for answers, and Clark is already having to deal with enough. Like the fact he’s very seriously considering telling Lex his secret. And the fact that, somehow, Lana knew what he was thinking.

Well, not exactly what he was thinking. But she could tell Clark wanted to tell Lex what he’s been hiding from everyone. She said it was the way he kept looking at him. Something about his gaze. He wasn’t aware he was so readable. 

He already worries about her knowing he’s hiding something from her, now this?

Clark sighs, weary of how to explain himself. “I thought he died, Lana.” He was quiet. Quieter than she’d ever heard him.

Lana reaches out and rests her and on his forearm, empathy in her gaze. “We all did.” 

“Yeah, but-” He stops himself, the words are going too fast in his head for his brain to send them out of his mouth. He has to take a breath and actively slow his thinking before he continues. “You don’t understand. I didn’t even know he was missing. If I wasn’t so set on running from and ignoring anything and everything Smallville, I would have helped looking for him.”

Lana shook her head, “Clark, you can’t blame yourself for every bad thing that happens. Lex washed up on a stranded island in the middle of nowhere. There’s no way you could’ve found him if his father couldn’t.”

Clark looked down at the floor, maybe making his disagreement on the statement clear. Maybe she’s right, maybe he couldn’t have found him, but at the very least he’d be trying to find him. He’d be doing something other than running around in clubs and expensive cars, and stealing from ATM machines. God, why did he think red kryptonite was a good idea? 

Clark also doesn’t know when Lex became higher on his friends list than Lana, the girl he’s in love with. Based on how she’s been acting around him lately, she's figured that out as well. But the fact became so clear to him yesterday. When Clark was helping load up the farm onto the truck, he heard that all too familiar voice, Lex. 

Clark turned and saw him. He looked a little rough, scraps and sores covered his face. But it was Lex, actually Lex, talking and breathing and smelling like himself. Shock turned into relief, turned into shock, turned into sheer excitement. If there was ever a time Clark would use the word ecstatic for his emotions, it would be then. 

He almost told Lex that day. Wanting his best friend to be able to know and understand everything about him. To understand why he didn’t find him. To know the reason of everytime he was acting weird. To know that every time Clark lied to him, it felt worse than anything he’s ever had to do. That he was scared that when Lex did find out, it wouldn’t be because Clark told him, and that everything that made them, well, them would all be ruined in a heartbeat. That Lex would never forgive him, and Clark would never see him again. 

That Clark not telling him had nothing to do with trust, because honestly, Clark trusted Lex more than any of his friends. He’d trust him with his life, he has. But every time Clark even has an inkling of wanting to tell him, he hears his parents' voices warning him about every bad thing that could happen. And they’re just so loud. 

That Lex would die in some horrible accident before he knew the truth. 

Then he almost did. And finding that newspaper, during one of the few moments he wasn’t wearing the red kryptonite, made him grieve harder than he ever had before. Made him almost find the farthest cave he could trap himself in, so he could suffer like he thought he deserved to. Like he still thinks he deserves to.

Clark backs away from Lana, “I’m going to talk to him,” because if he doesn’t do it now he’s going to chicken out.