GET SMART

i love the phrase "sex pervert" like. as opposed to what? abstinence pervert?

i think they're called catholics

…

you just doordashed yourself a knuckle sandwich pal

i hate it when people ask me to "explain my thought process" like hell if i know

"what's going on in that head of yours?" nothing i want to be a part of

Dude come drink these vials I found at the bottom of the ocean with me

I have no strong feelings about Hamilton the musical one way or another, but the sentence "I wasn't aware that was something a person could do" is such a perfect way to precisely express the kind of "not judging, just baffled" response people sometimes inspire in me with their antics and activities.

it will pass but like can i at least get an eta

GETTING OLDER IS CRAZY CAUSE YOU JUST START THINKING DIFFERENTLY OUT OF NOWHERE

just remembered the other day a teen approached me holding a rapidly melting chunk of ice in his hand and asked if i wanted to buy a "limited edition pet rock"

Can you please just have an ounce of shrimpathy?