Cry Me A River Baby

I was thinking and talking earlier about how much I have changed, how far I have come. Which only few would know because there was a time I only had one, and than for a while there I had no one, no support, no assistance, just facing the darkness alone; oh the void called to me than more than anything. Before I had someone to lean on, someone to care, console and call me out on any bullshit. But not that time... my world had been ripped from beneath my feet and I was simply falling. Like the angels, my greatest fear had come to pass and I was woefully unprepared. I was forced to face myself because that's all I had, and I was a true monster at times. I was just stuck in this pattern of behaviors and thinking and I decided that in order for me to crawl out of that hell I'd have to first dig the grave. It's ugly but I was able to shovel all the shit, all the rage, sorrow, pain, betrayal and negativity into said grave and walk away stronger than before. It took many many years to be able to accept my own flaws and learn to rectify them, I am still learning but at least now I can generally do it with relative ease.

I have you to thank you for that, I don’t know if you see my posts anymore or care to but I trust the universe will find a way. There was a lot of debris in your wake. In losing one part of myself, I found who I was before. Before all of the hurt in my own past, before I shut down and went cold. If not for you distancing and leaving, I would not have reached where I am now; which is just...Better. Balanced. Free. I have finally found PEACE within myself. Now nothing really phases me or if it does It's very very mildly. Surface wounds. My walls have become retractable. I am not trapped behind them. I can put them up if I need to and take them down with ease, rather than being isolated and sheltered. I am so grateful for you to have entered my life, and also for you to have left. Regardless of how hard it was to let go. I wish I didn’t have to lose you but the universe has it’s own design and timing for us all. With you I found my wolf, I learned trust, forgiveness and how to relinquish control and I am forever in debt and grateful.

 Until we meet again my friend,