καὶ σύ, τέκνον?

So he does, but he says everything he can’t say. He says everything he wants to, but knows he can’t. He says “I love you, I need you, you are everything to me” over and over again until he is breathless. He says everything he loves about Shane. Everything that kills him about Shane. He talks about his freckles, his eyes, his stupid fucking grin he gets when they’re on the ice together. He says it all, knowing Shane can’t and won’t understand, but wishing he could. Ilya wishes so bad he could say this all to Shane in a language he understands. But he knows he can’t. So he says it in Russian instead.

Then, out of nowhere, he invites you to his actual house for the first time in 7 years of whatever the hell you two have going. He makes sure you come over early for the first time. He says it's because you flew in the day before the game. He gives you a tour and fucks you slow and sweet and sappy. He convinces you to stay the night, which you have never done before. This pattern of quick meaningless fucking is broken. He is being way too nice, and something about this gives you hope. Hope that he cares.

You take a little cat nap together in the sun. You wake up and he cooks for you, which he has never ever done. It's starting to sink in. This is a date. He cares about you. He wants you in his life. This is real and requited and you might even be able to have him for more than a couple hours in a hotel room 3 times a year.

Then he looks you in the face and says "Do you like girls?" Hold up, what the fuck?

When you deflect any further questions, he takes the opportunity to begin telling you how much he loves fucking other women, especially one he's known way longer than you.

So you jumped the gun. He doesn't feel the same, clearly. You're another name on a list, which you already knew. You let some dumb hope get the better of you and that's fine. Remember your place, this is all you can get. Take it gracefully.

Then this motherfucker moans your first name (again with the fucking firsts today), and all you can think is how amazing that fucking sounded and how you want to do it right back. You do, and fuck that felt perfect rolling off your tongue. You want to do it over and over and over again.

And then it all comes crashing down. You are another name on his list. He is your everything. You can't fucking do this. It's going to fucking kill you. You have to fucking leave. So you do.

So he packs up his things as normal. He takes the annoying series of flights back to Moscow, making sure to bring the things for his niece. He finds somewhere to stay for a few nights, now his brother has his apartment. The usual heaviness he feels whenever he's here settles in his chest, and he greets it like an old friend. Resigning himself to feeling off for the next few months.

But it's so much harder this time. And within two days, he's done everything he wanted to do. He's seen his niece, made sure that everything is sorted for her future, and given her the gifts. He's seen his mama. Made sure the flowers are her favourite. Told her about the last few months. And suddenly, he realises there are almost 2 months stretching out in front of him with... absolutely nothing to fill them with.

So he gets a bit drunk. It's not a good idea, but coming here wasn't either, so. It'll do. And at least the vodka is nice. Before he knows it, he's scrolling through his messages with Shane. Trying to come up with something to say. He doesn't even know what time it is back in Ottawa.

Eventually, he settles on a simple 'Hope you have a fun summer', and tries to ignore the way his heart jumps when Shane replies almost immediately.

'You too', Shane writes. 'How's Russia?'

'Not great. Nothing exciting,' he types back. He thinks about typing 'but it's home', but that's never felt so wrong.

The three dots appear and disappear a few times, and Ilya doesn't know what Shane's going to say, but he just needs him to say something. Needs to keep this conversation going so he's not so alone. Needs a physical reminder that someone, somewhere, actually wants to spend some kind of time with him.

'It's not too late to have an exciting summer here' comes Shane's reply.