καὶ σύ, τέκνον?

Then, out of nowhere, he invites you to his actual house for the first time in 7 years of whatever the hell you two have going. He makes sure you come over early for the first time. He says it's because you flew in the day before the game. He gives you a tour and fucks you slow and sweet and sappy. He convinces you to stay the night, which you have never done before. This pattern of quick meaningless fucking is broken. He is being way too nice, and something about this gives you hope. Hope that he cares.

You take a little cat nap together in the sun. You wake up and he cooks for you, which he has never ever done. It's starting to sink in. This is a date. He cares about you. He wants you in his life. This is real and requited and you might even be able to have him for more than a couple hours in a hotel room 3 times a year.

Then he looks you in the face and says "Do you like girls?" Hold up, what the fuck?

When you deflect any further questions, he takes the opportunity to begin telling you how much he loves fucking other women, especially one he's known way longer than you.

So you jumped the gun. He doesn't feel the same, clearly. You're another name on a list, which you already knew. You let some dumb hope get the better of you and that's fine. Remember your place, this is all you can get. Take it gracefully.

Then this motherfucker moans your first name (again with the fucking firsts today), and all you can think is how amazing that fucking sounded and how you want to do it right back. You do, and fuck that felt perfect rolling off your tongue. You want to do it over and over and over again.

And then it all comes crashing down. You are another name on his list. He is your everything. You can't fucking do this. It's going to fucking kill you. You have to fucking leave. So you do.

So he packs up his things as normal. He takes the annoying series of flights back to Moscow, making sure to bring the things for his niece. He finds somewhere to stay for a few nights, now his brother has his apartment. The usual heaviness he feels whenever he's here settles in his chest, and he greets it like an old friend. Resigning himself to feeling off for the next few months.

But it's so much harder this time. And within two days, he's done everything he wanted to do. He's seen his niece, made sure that everything is sorted for her future, and given her the gifts. He's seen his mama. Made sure the flowers are her favourite. Told her about the last few months. And suddenly, he realises there are almost 2 months stretching out in front of him with... absolutely nothing to fill them with.

So he gets a bit drunk. It's not a good idea, but coming here wasn't either, so. It'll do. And at least the vodka is nice. Before he knows it, he's scrolling through his messages with Shane. Trying to come up with something to say. He doesn't even know what time it is back in Ottawa.

Eventually, he settles on a simple 'Hope you have a fun summer', and tries to ignore the way his heart jumps when Shane replies almost immediately.

'You too', Shane writes. 'How's Russia?'

'Not great. Nothing exciting,' he types back. He thinks about typing 'but it's home', but that's never felt so wrong.

The three dots appear and disappear a few times, and Ilya doesn't know what Shane's going to say, but he just needs him to say something. Needs to keep this conversation going so he's not so alone. Needs a physical reminder that someone, somewhere, actually wants to spend some kind of time with him.

'It's not too late to have an exciting summer here' comes Shane's reply.

and its kind of what makes the rose situation again so knives because its like ilya fucking knows that he gets shane going, there is no insecurity on his part that shane is sexually attracted to him and that he gives shane something that he is deeply in need of and craving, ilya knows quite immediately i think that shane likes him (that knowing look at the end of their very first interaction) its why he feels comfortable going so heavy in pursuing shane, by taking the risk and jorking it in the showers, and why he goes so all in (and completely overestimates) in boston, because like he knows. he knows that shane is into him, you have to have a certain confidence in yourself to even guess that about someone else and certainly to act on it

so its not that ilya is ever looking at shane and rose and thinking ‘she’s what he really wants’ he’s thinking ‘she has something i dont’, there is some intrinsic quality some fundamental thing about me that means hollander wont pick me, im not unlikable im not unlovable im a great guy im hot im fun im funny and successful and charming and talented and really good at the one thing the boy i like is into and he still doesn’t want me

like if you think you’re pretty great and you largely like who you are what the hell are you supposed to do to win someone over, to win them back, how are you supposed to understand them picking someone else over you, you just have to face the cold hard facts of how this other person may be a better choice than you in ways you can never do anything about

(and in the context of this being a love story about two men pulled apart by their own belief that they cant be together that fucking hurts!!)

arguably “you don’t like me” isn’t ilya expresses that he thinks nobody could ever like him or enjoy his presence it’s because shane flipped the script on him so thoroughly that he’s had to tell himself that to understand why shane did what he did

(and i think this ties into the way that ilya hides parts of himself, like i think he’s telling himself he does that because ‘if hollander knew all of me he wouldn’t like me’ but i think the larger more scary truth is he knows thats not true! and shane would like and love him, all of him, and then what the hell are they gonna do then?)