My partner takes her anxiety out on me
One of my partners struggles with anxiety. She experiences irritability as a sign of her anxiety. This often means that in situations when sheβs anxious she will snap at me or say rude things, and sometimes means there are several hours where weβre just sitting in the tension - something that sometimes triggers my own anxiety. The longer weβre together, the harder Iβm finding it. I find myself being hyper vigilant to try and make sure nothing triggers her (e.g. she gets anxious when plans are derailed or something goes wrong, so Iβm often catching myself trying to pre-prepare to the nth degree all the time).
This isnβt something sheβs asked me to do, and when Iβve brought it up as a topic of conversation she has reassured me that Iβm not responsible for her anxiety, which I can then reassure myself when sheβs feeling anxious moments (i.e., reminding myself that just because sheβs tense/irritable/snapping at me, it isnβt actually to do with me). But otherwise, our conversations around the topic havenβt been very productive. Quite often conversations end up with her saying sheβs a bad girlfriend or a bitch because of her anxiety, which puts me in a position where all I can do is comfort her.
How can I bring the topic up in a way that shows I want to be there and support her, but I also have my own difficulties during these times? I donβt want to make her even more anxious in these moments that she might be upsetting me, like Iβd rather she had someone she could be comfortable with even if sheβs snapping at me than she keeps it all bottled up.
Anxiety is a very real condition, and it can be debilitating. I myself deal with serious anxiety. So Iβm not trying to minimize or victim blame here.
Having a diagnosis of a mental illness is supposed to be a tool to help us feel better and do better, because now we have a name for whatβs going on, and we know what sorts of things work to help address the issue. They are not free passes to fully explain and excuse behavior because we βcanβt help itβ or because it has a DSM-recognized label.
Itβs not cool to snap at your partner. Itβs not cool to be rude to your partner. We all do this sometimes, especially when weβre anxious or distracted or under pressure or otherwise feeling irritable. However, as adults in relationships, we should take steps to apologize and address the issue when it happens, and to reduce the frequency with which this happens.
Your partner should not be treating you like this to the point where you feel βhyper vigilant.β Thatβs not okay. You deserve to feel calm, safe, happy, and respected when youβre around your partner. Period.
I understand that you want to be someone she can be βcomfortableβ with and not feel the pressure to βbottle upβ or otherwise mask the symptoms of her mental illness. That is a good goal to have in a relationship! However, snapping or being rude to you doesnβt sound like it actually helps reduce her anxiety, nor does it sound like sheβs meeting you halfway and doing work on her part to minimize the amount that she dumps her anxious negativity onto you.
It sounds like when you ask her to try and cool it with this behavior, she gets ashamed and defensive. That makes it hard for you to have a healthy conversation about it, and itβs not fair. Youβre putting in the emotional effort to ride out her challenging behaviors, and she needs to also put in the emotional work to address this ongoing pattern. If anxiety is the cause, then she needs to work on her anxiety. She needs to do her work and see a therapist, do some workbooks or online courses, take up some healthy practices, consider trying out medication, and find other outlets for her irritability besides you.
Also, you need to find a way to let go of feeling responsibility for her anxiety. It sounds like sheβs actually trying (whether or not sheβs being successful) to not make it your problem. There is a big difference between βI feel anxiousβ and βI feel anxious, YOU NEED TO FIX IT.β Your job here is to develop some βvibe shieldsβ that can reduce your βabsorbency.β
Sometimes something is just not your problem and not actionable for you. You cannot solve your partnerβs anxiety and you shouldnβt be expected to. Take her at her word that she doesnβt want you to get all wrapped up in it, and that her snapping at you is not her demanding that you take it upon yourself to start addressing it.
Practice adopting the mindset of βI wish unsubscribe from this materialβ or βThis is not my department.β Sometimes I literally picture a garage door type of thing sliding down over my mind and body, blocking the energies that someone else is putting out. Sometimes I just literally leave the space or find something else to focus on. You need to find the practice that works for you.
Once you start trying those two things - asking her to manage her energy and doing your best not to take on her emotions - then youβll need to reassess whether those things are working. If it turns out that this problem canβt be resolved between you two, then youβll need to think about whether youβre willing to stay in a relationship thatβs making you feel like this.
