Queerplatonic and Aromantic Advice

Yes, it’s absolutely possible to have different levels of attraction to different genders.

As a sidenote, there are more than two genders! Just wanted to clarify as the phrase “the opposite sex” implies that there’s only one other than your own.

Hi anon, you may wish to look into the term frayromantic to see if this resonates with you. It is generally described as feeling romantic attraction that then fades after a bond is formed.

about how I feel regarding relationships. I don't feel any interest whatsoever to be in a traditional romantic relationship, go on a date, kiss someone, have sex with someone, etc. I like the idea of being exclusively dedicated to someone, like almost a BFFs scenario but like... not a "oh we're besties" thing y'know? Like there's actual weight to the relationship that's more than people put on friends but it's not romantic. Plus I'm straight but don't consider gender when thinking of this (2/??)

(3/??-final) potential relationship, if that's the right word for it. Is that the definition of a QPR? Is that an aro thing? Am I just not grown up yet (aka I'll want these things when I'm an adult)? Can I be aro if I used to think marriage was what I would end up doing with myself? Is it even possible to find somebody who wants to dedicate their lives to someone but not in a romantic way but also not in a friendship way? I'm just so confused really. Thank you for your time and this blog! :)

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Yes, the kind of relationship you describe could definitely be called a QPR :)

And you can definitely be aro regardless of how you felt in the past or how you might feel in the future. Orientations can change and fluctuate over time, so just focus on how you feel now; if you feel aro now, you are 100% allowed to ID as aro! And to answer your ‘Will I feel different later?’ question, the answer is maybe but not necessarily. Either way, it doesn’t invalidate how you feel right now.

Hope this helps!

Hi anon, I think this may be a familiar feeling for some of our followers. If anybody has any advice for anon, please leave it in a reblog or a reply, as this isn’t a very familiar experience for me personally!

One suggestion that I have if you like the idea of romance but are not interested in actually pursuing it is that you could try watching romantic movies or reading romantic books and see if that satisfies that longing :)

I will also mention that you are allowed to like being in romantic relationships even if you don’t feel romantic attraction. However, you also are allowed to not want to be in romantic relationships! This is a very individual thing.

(pt. 2) It was keeping me up at night. I know that I want some kind of relationship, but the thought of romance and marriage and kissing just makes me really uncomfortable, and it's not what I want? Could I be queerplatonic, or have I just not found the right guy? *sigh* I'm so confused. I can't even tell what I want, but I know something is /there/.

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Hi anon, you could definitely be on the aromantic spectrum! :)

Thanks anon, I really I appreciate that!

Unfortunately, sometimes things hurt and there’s not much we can do about it. The best we can do is try to mitigate that hurt so that it’s not more painful than it has to be, but ultimately it is important to accept that sometimes people will be hurt and we can’t always stop that from happening.

The best and kindest thing you can do is to tell them as soon as possible, and give them space to have their feelings and process those feelings. Here’s a possible script for gently approaching the topic: “Hi [partner], I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I’ve realised I’m aromantic.]

Reassure them that this isn’t about them; it’s just a part of who you are. Explain your feelings openly and honestly, and remember that you can’t help feeling how you feel and you are allowed to just be who and how you are. They may or may not be upset by this, but unfortunately that’s not something you can help; you can’t control their feelings any more than they can control yours.

Good luck anon!

Hi anon, you could definitely be aromantic. The kind of attraction you’re describing sounds more like sexual attraction than romantic attraction. However, you are enough just as you are, and you can have a romance with someone if you want to even if you don’t feel romantically attracted to them :)

Followers, if any of you have experience to share please add it in reblogs or comments!

Anon, you may also wish to check out scarleteen for lots of excellent info on this kind of thing!

Hi anon, that sounds really difficult! I can’t tell you what to call this but I can offer some ideas for you to think about to see if any of them resonate with you:

Alterous attraction - not romantic attraction, not platonic attraction either. Generally quite a strong feeling of somebody being special to you.

Best friends

Loved one (if you’re okay with the word love)

Or “he’s very important to me”.

If anybody else has any suggestions for anon please feel free to add them in reblogs or comments!

Good luck, I hope you find something that works for you.

With any relationship it’s important to be aware of age gaps and the power dynamic that that creates. I would say you should exercise the same level of caution around age gaps that you would for a romantic or sexual relationship.

Especially if you’re feeling anxious about it, I would recommend not entering a relationship with this person. I know that sucks but it is for your safety; when people are older, their extra life experience means that it is easy for them to take advantage of you, even accidentally. I don’t recommend it, but if you do decide to enter into a relationship with somebody older then please exercise extreme caution, and try to talk with adults outside of the relationship about it to help maintain perspective and give you a higher chance of not being taken advantage of. If you are ever unsure and don’t have anybody to talk to about it please call a domestic violence hotline; they will be able to advise you and if it turns out everything is fine that’s okay too - they’re there to help you figure things out either way!

I think a more important question is: do you want to be?

Hi anon, it sounds like you’re being very considerate and that’s lovely :)

Onto your question: sometimes people don’t want to talk, and that’s okay. Perhaps you could say something like: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been withdrawn lately and I am worried about you. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you if you do. If there’s anything else I can do to help, please let me know!”

If you are concerned that she may no longer be comfortable in the relationship, you can bring that up too: “I’m finding it hard to tell whether or not you are happy in this relationship. I want you to know that I really care about you and want you to be happy, so I’m open to changing things or even breaking up if that would be better for you.”

There’s a small possibility that you may have misread the situation, but if so that’s okay too! These are still nice things to say and to let your partner know about! And if so it might open up an opportunity to discuss ways that the two of you communicate with each other about how you’re feeling :)

Unfortunately you can’t make your partner be okay with polyamory. In the same vein though, he can’t make you be okay with monogamy either. It’s possible that this might be a fundamental incompatibility between the two of you. I would suggest having a conversation with him about your feelings and encourage him to share his feelings as well. Notice that I say *feelings*; try to create a space where you can both be open about how you feel, even if these feelings are not compatible. After that then you can work together to try to figure out solutions that work for both of you. If it’s not possible for you to do this, then it may be a sign that this relationship is no longer suitable for you. You both deserve to be in relationships where all parties are happy and comfortable.