AutisticPigeon

Being disabled as a teenager feels like the hardest thing I’ll ever have to make it through.

My health has literally been getting progressively worse since I turned 13. Like yeah I always knew I was genetically at risk for EDS, and I’ve gotten pretty used to having MCAS because the earliest flare of that I can remember happened when I was 4. I got used to my skin feeling uncomfortable. And just being uncomfortable in my body in general.

But I genuinely wasn’t fucking ready for the way that POTS and Fibromyalgia and Adenomyosis would literally take me out in my teenage years.

I’ve had constant, sometimes debilitating pain in my ribs for over 3 years that we still haven’t found a cause for. It feels like my ribcage is splintering and curling in on my body and compressing me. Pain meds don’t do anything for me anymore. I can’t be prescribed anything too strong as a minor. So I just have to live with it.

Until I was almost 15, I thought that when period pain that made walking almost impossible, it was just normal. I’m turning 17 in a month. I went through 4 years of irregular, extremely heavy, extremely painful periods before getting any intervention. And birth control only helps a little bit. But they changed mine when we moved. And it doesn’t feel like it’s helping anymore. I was barely able to walk on for the last 2 days.

Fibromyalgia is a diagnosis I wasn’t even told I had for a few months. And my new doctor thinks they should switch my meds for it even though it’s one of the only things that has helped with my fatigue.

I’m so tired all the time. I’m in so much pain all the time. I’m so fucking sick of this. I find myself depending on my cane more and more. I want to ask for crutches but I know we probably don’t have the money.

I just want all this to stop.

I'm almost 17, autistic, and homeschooled. I've been trying to get a job since we moved to a new area almost 3 months ago.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck. I want to change my name. But I don't have the money for that. I need to start putting money into an account if I want to go to school. I want to study entomology. It's my favorite thing.

I'm trying to start a jewelry business because I've been making jewelry for over 2 years but I don't even have the money to start a fucking Etsy. I've applied to all the places around me. I've reapplied to some places. I even applied to some places almost 40 minutes away. Whenever I get an interview they go nowhere and I don't know what I need to change.

Finally got to be the edgy older kid on the playground. It was everything I made it out to be at 7 years old.

And the fact that Jinshi goes out of his way just to interact with and just enjoys listening to Maomao

I need to get a job if I wanna go to college and not be in monumental debt. I applied to the Dollar General that's literally half a mile from my fucking house so I can walk there.

It's an entry level part time job.

And I got fucking rejected.

They want teenagers in the fucking work force, BUT THEN THEY WON'T HIRE US WHEN WE APPLY TO THE ENTRY LEVEL PART TIME JOB THEY FUCKING LISTED.

Fandom: Varian and the 7 Kingdoms

Full fic on Ao3: here

Prompt: Flashbacks

Hugo sat on a large rock near their campsite and tinkered with the prototype for a new explosive idea Yong had given him, trying to making sure it didn't blow up in his face. After all, if he could get it to work, it might be interesting.

Yong was helping Nuru wash the dishes from lunch earlier, something Hugo was exempt from having to help with since he had actually been the one to make lunch today. Varian however had gone missing after breakfast and they hadn't seen him since.

The blonde was startled by a soft chittering to his left and let out a few swears under his breath, jumping up and looking around, although nothing was there. Then he looked down, and saw a very familiar raccoon.

"Why hello. I don't suppose you know where your idiot of a human is?" Hugo asked, setting his tools and the prototype down where he was just sitting, and crouching to Ruddiger's level to pet him. Olivia squeaked curiously upon being set down, almost offended at such an action.

The fluffy little critter let out a few chirps and took off running into the forest, looking back like he was expecting Hugo to follow him.

"Well... Okay then. Come on Liv." Hugo shrugged and scooped Olivia back up, allowing her to sit in an empty pocket of his tool belt while he followed Ruddiger.

Varian could feel his heartbeat thumping in ears, every pulse feeling like it was a blow to his head. He sat next to a bush leaning against a large tree trunk. He heard their voices in his head. They were touching his wrists, putting him in handcuffs, they hate him. It's cold in the dungeon. His neck hurts from the collar they decided to use in combination with keeping his hands chained to the wall. He was dangerous after all. Not to be trusted.

"The kid can create anything from practically nothing." "Watch his hands." "Make sure he's not tinkering around with anything." "He's dangerous. Don't let him indulge that tinkering habit of his. Nearly felled the kingdom with it." He has to sit still in there otherwise he's up to no good.

It's torture. They said they wouldn't do that of course. But they're unknowingly torturing him anyway. The cuffs scrape his skin every time he moves, the fidgeting happening subconsciously. It's something he can't stop no matter how hard he tries. The more he tries the more his limbs ache and buzz with energy.

Is the smell of iron from the handcuffs or is it the smell of blood?

He's going to vomit.

How is it so loud and so quiet at the same time.

Everything is wrong.

His wrists are bleeding and its trickling down his arm. His chest feels like it's caving in and his back hurts from sitting up for too long.

There's blood on his neck. It's on his shirt.

He needs to get out of here.

He needs to escape.

He isn't safe here.

It isn't-

"...arian. Varian. Fuuuuccckkk, c'mon. Goggles, hey, look at me, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Goggles. Varian. You look at me," Hugo's hands were on his shoulders. When did he stand up? When did Hugo get here? Long slender fingers were snapping in front of his face. "Varian, can you hear me, talk to me Freckles. Shit..."

"Hugo...?"

"Yeah, yeah, It's me Goggles. Fuck it's way too hot for you to be out here like this. How long have you been sitting here?" Ruddiger rubbed against his leg, purring and trying to help the situation.

Fandom: Varian and the 7 Kingdoms

Full fic on Ao3: here

Prompt: Dissociation

Hugo blinked as what felt like a full week's worth of exhaustion hit him full force. He could practically feel Varian's nervous energy hovering around his shoulder. There was an allen key in one hand and some kind of prototype in the other. He didn't even remember building it.

He couldn't remember anything from today really.

When did the sun start setting? Where did today go? What day was it anyway?

"Var…?" He rasped out. His throat hurt. When had he last spoken?

"Are you finally back with me Love?" Varian's voice was soft and his hand hovered over his arm. "It's been a while. Is touching you okay right now?"

He nodded and let Varian take the objects from his hands and pull him into a careful hug.

"You okay?"

He didn't know how to answer the question.

Was he okay? He was tired. So so tired. Why was he so tired?

"What time is it…?" Was what he ended up saying instead of giving him an answer. He didn't have one.

"About 7:30, I know it's early but you've been well… gone for a couple days and I really think you should get some sleep. It's Thursday evening."

Thursday. That couldn't be right.

Wasn't it just Sunday.

This doesn't make sense.

"Yeah… yeah going to bed sounds nice." He whispered as Varian tugged him out of the lab and to their room close by. He just wants to go to sleep honestly.

"Sit down, I'll get changed and then bring you some clothes okay?" Varian lightly pushed him onto the bed and kissed his forehead softly.

He leaned on his side with his legs still dangling off the bed, Donnie had always hated shoes on the beds, and he let himself stew with his thoughts while Varian went to change. Had this ever happened before? How much does he actually remember from these few days?

Well, barely anything actually.

It almost reminds him of when he was a kid. There's so much of his childhood memories missing. Up until he met Varian, he only has a few key memories. Mainly jobs that went disastrously wrong. That time he dropped a piano on Flynn Rider. A failed explosive almost taking his hand off. That day in the library. The day he met Varian and the others. He remembers all those in perfect detail.

But there's so much he can hardly recall. He doesn't remember most of his routine jobs. Time he didn't spend working. He remembers how he felt when Don was mad at him but he doesn't remember why she was ever mad or what she said or what happened after. His "episodes" Don called them.

He doesn't remember how long they usually lasted. Or what caused them. He just turned into a puppet in his own body. He was watching from inside his skull but not absorbing any of it. He doesn't form coherent thoughts. He simply preformed simple repetitive tasks over and over, trying to accomplish something. Talking, eating, anything beyond the single task he dedicated himself to becomes a chore.

These are probably the most coherent thoughts he's had since Sunday.

Went to El Paso Family Day at the Museum of History

The fit, most of it was thrifted, the boots, shorts, and undershirt are all thrifted, some from comic con, and the shirt from an SBG cosplay done last Halloween

✨Stickers and pinssssss✨

Shoutout to the Cosmic Fiber booth, who gave me that frog sticker sheet after we had a long conversation about our mutual bi and neurodivergent love of frogs, I came back later to take a picture of the frogs because I couldn't buy any at the moment, and you gave me the sticker sheet, so yeah, I love y'all

Here's their frogs btw

Business cards and other stuff I got, the pen is from my city library, who were taking book recommendations!

I infodumped for almost 15 minutes on Andrew Joseph White and his books. Hell Followed With Us and The Spirit Bares Its Teeth are the only 2 I've read, he has one more YA novel out a new adult novel coming out soon, all of them feature trans masc main characters, autistic love interest/fleeing from a cult, and biowarfare apocalypse setting, in HFWU. And autistic MC/trans fem love interest, and Victorian goth 1800's setting in TSBIT.

They take heavy and gory topics and handle them in a way that'll leave you thinking about them for days to weeks when you finish the book. I loved them, was absolutely in love.

Not to mention the absolutely beautiful cover art, especially on the YA novels, I'm not personally a dust cover person because of sensory issues, but I had to cut the cover art out to hang on my wall.

~4:45 AM

Me: Mother. Lin Manuel Miranda is the guy singing the Magic School Bus theme song.

Mother: *awake because of my dad's alarm* What?

Me: Look it up if you don't believe me!

Mother: *looked it up* That's amazing

Me: He's everywhere!!

Father: *sleeping through his last 20 minutes of alarms* Alright child let your mother go back to sleep.

Mother: They arent keeping me awake any more than your alarms.

*as I'm leaving*

Mother: Have you slept?

Me: Nope!

Mother: Lovely.

They've been married for 16 years btw

My mom's put up with his ONE AND A HALF HOURS of alarms for 16 years

Fandom: Varian and the 7 Kingdoms

Full fic on Ao3: here

Prompt: Unhealthy coping mechanisms

Hugo yawned as he watched the moon rise above the kingdom. The ornately painted grandfather clock in their lab, courtesy of Rapunzel, was broken, courtesy of Olivia and Ruddiger getting in there to play, but he had to guess it was nearing 10 PM. "Okay Goggles, I'm gonna turn in for the night, Liv's shut down for the night so that means it's time for us to do the same."

He picked up the small robot and Ruddiger followed at his feet when Hugo walked towards it to leave. The raccoon had taken a strong liking to him since him and Varian got together, and more recently engaged.

Said blue eyed alchemist had yet to respond to him so he spoke again, "Var, come on, it's late, we should go to bed."

Varian was still focused on the little piece of circuitry he was tinkering with, so Hugo tapped his shoulder and, for a third time said "Varian, put that down, it's time for bed."

The ravenette flinched and dropped whatever that thing was, and it broke into pieces of metal and wires and little gears and springs. "FUCK, HUGO!"

The blonde flinched a bit at Varian yelling at him but quickly regained his composure, "Sorry, but it's getting late, come on, it's time for bed."

"I'll be there later, I still have things to do and because of you startling me I have to fix that now." Irritation laced his tone.

Hugo clenched his jaw, Varian was starting to worry him, but after being yelled at and put on edge it was covered in a layer of frustration. "You've said that every night for the last week, yet every morning I find you in here, asleep on the table, in your clothes and I know you haven't been coming back to our room."

"Oh, I didn't know you were my dad now. I'm an adult, I can handle myself." Varian laughed. It was a bitter laugh though, not like his normal laugh.

"I never said you couldn't, but you're exhausting yourself, I'm worried."

"Please you're no better than me."

"At least I'm putting effort into changing my habits! You had so much progress and it's like it's all out the window!"

"Why is it such a big deal!? You eat like 2 times a day and I'm not on your ass about it!"

"I haven't even seen you eat today! And you're always on me about it! I'm just worried about you!"

"Gods will you just lay off!? You're stricter about my habits than the guards were when I was in prison! I'm a grown adult Hugo! I can manage myself! You are such a controlling hypocrite sometimes! I just-"

Varian was cut off by a hand connecting with his cheek.

Hugo's hand was still raised but it slowly lowered as his arm started to tremble.

He didn't say a word, just clenched his jaw and turned around to leave, Ruddiger following with him.

Varian sat back down and stared for a moment.

Did that really just happen?