invictus

i’m actually just missing my son real bad and it’s making everything else Worse Than It Needs To Be

cute kids in public bring me joy and break my heart in equal measure

had to snag a little dude by his sweater so he could not run away from his mom at a sports venue cuz mom was over it and moving slow but there were a lot of concrete steps and metal railings and he was very wee

and i’ve been the checked out parent who’s tired and over it. it’s just that now i’m the grieving parent who would do anything to hold my baby again and do nothing but watch him and stay close to him and follow him around all day every day

“no work more here” will always haunt me

baby bean i wish i could have

internal moments like this make me want to fight my mom and all her siblings and my grandparents including my grandpa who died before i was born

what do you mEAN you’re all the main reasons i’m fucking like this

you took a perfectly normal weirdo and gave them anxiety and depression and taught them self-loathing and hypercriticalness and mocked them for having feelings and needs

and now they’re an adult who second guesses everything they do in public and every good feeling comes with the impending Sense Of The Other Shoe Dropping and every social interaction where i want to make a good impression makes me ready to throw myself into traffic

can’t even fucking. take a hint to go to dinner. that i had been Previously Invited To Attend. because i got so goddamn anxious that i was overstepping or being weird and overbearing that i had to fucking bail and spent the whole drive home berating myself for it. and i know i don’t have to feel that way. and Yet.

i was gonna smoke weed about it and i can’t even make myself get up to do that