my human vaporizing machine continues to mistify people

Contemplating crimes….

there is nothing lemon squeezy about any of this

everyone make sure you leave out the milk and cookies and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife and knife tonight 🥰

me, last week: my favorite holiday is coming up :3c mom: ? easter? st patrick's day? me: no no, it's not a holiday as in 'you get time off work' me: me: unless you and your coworkers all do something really funny

we are in the midst of a friday ass thursday. keep your wits about you.

being online is so scary aren't you guys worried about the world wide spider

It took 36 years for someone to make this joke and by god it was worth the wait

I love that a lion with an eagle's head and wings is such a well-known mythical beast but apparently the English language can only agree on a grand total of 3 out of 7 letters in its name.

here’s your sign to do something spontaneous

*combusts*

that’s one way to do it

Yelling “we got company” right before being attacked by a horde of enemies probably feels good as fuck for an action protagonist

my hips don't lie but they will exaggerate details, misrepresent the facts, and on occasion deceive via omission of crucial information