Friendshaped

#this is very good #its giving early 2010's tumblr audio shitpost #congratulations as per @nattousan's tags

geologist theme song

Everyone envies me for my shrimp lighter

It’s called ‘being able to see the corpse’

So if I put you in an L-shaped swimming pool, and you knew there was a corpse around the corner, you'd be fine?

loving the implication that I'm a little animal and you're a scientist putting me into various bodies of water to test my corpse:water ratio tolerance

One time an open water swim race I was in was cancelled because there was a corpse in the water (cyclist hit by a rogue wave) and people got mad that it was cancelled and then other people got mad at them for being disrespectful to the dead cyclist, to their family and to the coast guard that was too busy looking for the body to watch us swim. So now the swim has an official corpse policy. Because at least a dozen or so people vocally and angrily expressed the willingness to swim among at least one corpse.

dead tired today so I grabbed a coffee from the gas station & the guy greeted me by trying to say “is that everything “ but fumbled and said “e ga thebythin” and me trying to say “yeah” or “yup” just went “YIP!” in response. No survivors

awww the like button turns into a rainbow when you press it! that's so cute...hey staff what's with all the trans women you keep nuking?

i think we should be ridiculing them more for this. you don't get to try and go all "queer website" when your staff likes to go on nuking sprees targeting the trans fem users

Official Post of Massachusetts

had a dream last night that my alarm was connected to twitter and everytime i hit snooze it publicly tweeted it with a disparaging little message along the lines of “filthy horrible boy has slapped the screen again, and slumbers on” so that your followers could shame you and i was deeply, DEEPLY humiliated but that did not stop me from hitting snooze upwards of 14 times

OH MY GOD?????????

today at work i rung up a customer and the total was 12.30 and i said “12:30, reminds me of a clock :)” and they kind of smiled at me with confusion and i was like “like the time on a clock, just reminds me of it… 12:30” and they said “i have no idea what you’re talking about…” with an expression of supreme pity and gentleness. after that was finished i turned to my coworker next to me and said “i just bombed so hard with this clock comment” and then realized the customer hadn’t moved and was still standing right next to me. if my fate continues down this path, the customer will probably read this tumblr post as well

that “fbi agent watching me through my webcam” meme was a really weird way for all of us to cope with living in a horrifying capitalist surveillance state 

they should allow you to report posts for being gauche or passé

Talking to friends with inept parents is crazy. No wonder they’re like this if their parents kept fumbling

“I’m having trouble adapting to my adult responsibilities” well no wonder, nobody raised you 😭😭😭

Hot tip for future parents: you actually have to guide your kid to adulthood. Feeding them and waiting for them to grow up is not enough since they are not house plants. A little more thought and care is required.