My Phd Purgatory

ooof, it’s been some time, hasn’t it? In between working and polishing off my ethics resubmission, I haven’t had much chance to fart let alone anything else.

there’s been some knock backs too, small things, minor even, but they just add unnecessary stress to our lives and my plate is so full, I don’t deal with them in the best way. Today, for instance I went to the gym - yes I know very healthy hooray me 👏 but upon starting my workout, I smashed my phone screen. I was quoted £75 in the end, to replace it and it took most of the afternoon finding a shop that didn’t want to rip me off. But my plans for that day had gone, I couldn’t have waited because I was getting splinters of glass in my fingers and tbh, I didn’t want that near my face.

And it’s little things like that, being a working class student I feel it. The money and time are precious - I could have really done without it. I’m not insured either, because over the last 10 years, I’ve had to replace 2 phone screens at a total cost of about £175. My bank would’ve charged £12 for protection that’s included in my account, which is £1,440 in insurance (minus the excess), so I know I’m making an economical choice - I just could’ve done without it!

another weird thing that I’m learning to juggle now I’m part time, is teaching experience. The way higher education is in the uk at the moment, there is no budget to pay students to teach on a module. Okay annoying but fine, so I have to get work elsewhere- I think that’s obvious? Now I’m being asked to teach on days I’m working and I have to say no and they respond to me like I’m the problem? And I can’t explain enough that working enables me to study but it doesn’t seem to sink in.

The good news: I am ready for my supervisory meeting on Thursday! I have literally a dozen questions, so I hope they're ready for me. I also have completed actions set by the ethics board for study 2. Whoo-hoo go me. Currently enjoying some water out of my Tumbler (hydrated queen) before updating my Tumblr...

The not so good news: I have a second screen that i bought to help me through my Undergraduate is dying after 4 years of loyal service. I was hoping for another 8 years (underconsumption queen here) but when their time is up, their time is up. Now, I am aware this is very much a privileged problem to have "oh no, I had two screens to work on, now I'm down to one, how awful is this world??" especially when some students cannot afford a laptop - I get it, but I do find a second screen useful, particularly when using programs like SPSS. Does anyone use just one screen and find it okay?

My health is in the toilet, and having chronic conditions doesn't help with productivity. So, over the next couple weeks I'm going to join a gym, 30 years old is creeping near and I refuse to enter my 30's in a worse state that I entered my 20's and I have a couple years to do that...

I'm also trying new things this year, going to see Nosferatu was something I wouldn't have done if it not for my boyfriend wanting to see it... Turns out spooky movies are not my forte and I shall not be repeating the experience but that's okay, we're learning about ourselves...

I'm also going abroad in a few months time, first time on a plane and first time on a theme park. Again, not something I would instinctively pick for myself, but we're experiencing life and I may even enjoy it 🤷

The past few days have been nice, I went to the cinema (twice!) and went back to work today - wasn’t as hard as I was expecting, I cant lie to you. I like my job, I work within communities and I see a multitude of people from all faiths, backgrounds, you name it, we’ve seen it. I love that - it gives richness to my days, different stories, different people I’ve never met (and probably won’t) it makes me feel good.

Can you guess I’m a psychologist?! 😂

Big news on the job front, I applied for guest lecturing at my university! U.K. universities are having a tough time of it recently, (I wont get into the political aspect, because we call need an escape, but the sector is struggling at the mo), so hiring freezes are common, along side staff flooding into industry away from academia.

So, this job can be one of two things, regular paid work or unpaid CPD sessions for my CV. The former would be great (obvs) and the latter is okay too - they both have their pitfalls. My concern with paid work is that I would have to give up my job within the communities I love and with the CPD teaching, my CV would look great but it isn’t paid work... I don’t know, the application only went in today - Maybe I’m overthinking it slightly??

I haven’t worked on my thesis these past few days and I'm glad of that, time away refreshes the eyes and the brain and allows me to see issues in a new way, plus ideas come to me when I’m milling about doing something else, and something else I have done! I have written an article for a Psychological Magazine, I don’t know who it’ll be published (or even if it will) but I’m excited to see how this turns out.

I sent a copy to my supervisor who offered to read it through and comment on a draft for me, I’m really appreciative of that and he knows me well, he knows I’ll read it, re-read it a further three times, think it’s all shit and delete it. So, he’ll give constructive points to bring the best out in any work I do, be that thesis or non-directly thesis related.

If I was giving advice on PhD programs, I couldn’t, well because I’ve only been to one institution… However, I would say find the right supervisor. Not the Best, or the most prestigious or the smartest, or whatever, find the right one for you. A supervisor who will understand how you work, and how to get the best out of you.

Hopefully that’s not too much of a mad ramble haha! I have no cute studyblr photo of my desk, so enjoy a picture of the moon I took whilst on my way home tonight. Fun Fact: most would call it ‘the North Star’ firstly, we were facing south west and, secondly it’s not a star - its Saturn.

Maybe it's the time of year, that hazy period between Christmas and New Year and although I don't celebrate (I'd much rather wait til the Equinox) the time of the year does have an effect; I have no idea what day, month or even year it is.

So, in the spirit of wintering and taking it slow, I went for a walk and sat down to work on the 9 bullet points the Ethics Committee had sent back to me before I could start study 2. Before now I was reading them but nothing was registering, to avoid the information overload I broke each bullet point into small, doable tasks. If they take 30 seconds to complete, great. if they take an hour, that's fine.

Maybe it's my upbringing and early adulthood, but long words and complicated sentence structure confuse the living hell out of me. I was raised to speak as you find and write what you mean, my early days working were around tradesmen who wanted to know exactly what was happening (how much it would cost), nothing else.

As a result, my work is always concise and in plain english, which aligns itself to making the sciences more accessible to the layperson, which feels morally right too, so I've never felt the need to develop my english language skills.

However, I am pleased to say complication of the ethics letter has been broken down to be easily understandable by myself and I now have 6 of the 9 bullet points either solved or marked to raise at my next meeting with my supervisors - which is still over a week away!

Now, I sit with my flowers I brought on my walk and drink some tea, before tackling the magazine article I want to write. Apparently it's important to network and get your name out there... it's a bit of mystery to me, but your mind is like a parachute - it only works when it's open.

Onwards I must press, have a wonderful New Year. Have some rest, eat some food and get yourself ready for 2025 ❤️

Wasn’t sure if i wanted to post on this blog every day, I have a tendency to do that: start something, make the pressure on myself utterly unbearable and stop. Weight loss trends, hobbies (oh, The hobbies! 🤦), the list is endless.

When I feel like this, y‘know so pressured by myself I want to scream “F*ck this, F*ck you and F*ck Everything!” I’m reminded of what my lecturer said, 2 weeks into my undergraduate,

”if you don’t feel like doing something, try again tomorrow”

Now, I know it seems a little like teaching someone to suck eggs but it kinda blew my little mind, particularly for a lecturer to be saying this - I was expecting a drill about deadlines and study session.

Afterwards he explained, if you didn't feel like it, you’d do a shit job and you’d have to either re-do it or hand in something that was sub-par and no-one wanted that, lecturers or students. Plus, if you force yourself to do things, they become a chore and you resent the thing you are supposed to enjoy, and it makes sense. (psychologists eh? So bloody clever)

So, today has been that kind of day, I woke up, sat at my desk for five minutes- looked at my ethics feedback and knew it wasn’t going in, so I wrote a list to consolidate the information from the ethics committee, went out for a walk and had a nap.

Do I less stressed? Not particularly, I have a certain number of things I need to do and I want them done.

Will it wait til tomorrow? Yes, actually it will. By doing that little bit today has made tomorrow easier.

This is just a gentle reminder to be kind to yourself - we all want our degrees, we all want to the best for ourselves but you can’t be your best if you’re stressed and burnt out. ❤️

You know I'm writing this instead of working on something important, so I won't try and excuse myself.

I suppose I had better catch you up on my first 2 months in purgatory, I started in October 2024, at a U.K. institution - so far I have had a paper published, lodged a complaint, cried and submitted my ethics for another study. So, fairly typical.

(I will explain those events in more detail over the coming posts - it's not like I have anything else to do 👀)

So, what can I tell you? I'm 27, currently working in the public sector with my local authority to support my studies, and am trying to juggle that with being a broke student, having a partner and trying to make my academic impact.

From many of the PhD accounts on places like instagram or Twitter (yes, I still call it that). These accounts try to romanticize a research degree, they're often full time students who can devote all day every day to their studies - don't get me wrong I'm pleased for them, if not slightly envious but I want to demonstrate what it is like for a working class student who wants to do well but has to work, who has a long distance partner, who sometimes has to just work overtime for 2 weeks just to make ends meet. It's not wrong either way, "it is what it is" and some of us have more baggage than others.