counting flowers on the wall

First thing’s first – John Cena. He fulfills the role of the dumb blond, triggerhappy, US military man. He is a minor antagonist, and got so traumatized over “Blitzwing” blowing up his training camp/base that he is against Autobots and Decepticons. I actually didn’t catch his character’s name at all until I paused the credits. (His name is “Agent Burns.”) But it didn’t affect how I viewed him, he could’ve remained nameless or just go by John Cena. I have mixed opinions about his ending too. Could’ve gone either way – accepts that Bumblebee and the Autobots are good, and no longer harbors resentment towards them (what happens), or he could’ve gotten blasted/liquefied like those other guys. (Would’ve given me a little bit of a chuckle, all Quintesson-style and whatnot.)  

To me, this movie was clearly conceived as a Bayverse prequel. But it appears that sometime during its production, it became its own standalone movie that was intended as a soft reboot for the live action movie franchise. As a result, our heroine Charlie, was basically how I wished Mikaela Banes was written – random gutsy mechanic girl who ends up teaming up with Autobots. That first Michael Bay movie should’ve had Mikaela as the protag and not boring ass Sam. Charlie was likeable and didn’t get on my nerves at all. 

Her family annoyed me though. But that’s okay, because if I was in her same situation, I’d go hide in the garage or at that junkyard, instead of being at home too. It seemed like her mom preferred her brother, while her dad liked her more. I don’t blame the stepdad for any of this, shit happens and Charlie’s baggage/lack of closure is unrelated to him falling in love with a widow and becoming her new husband. But, he was incredibly tone-deaf. Even before Charlie revealed that her dad died suddenly of natural causes (the specific illness is stated), it was obvious that this girl was still in mourning and all her “grumpiness,” was related to this. Telling her to “smile more,” is just asking for a punch to the face.

Then, there’s the generic popular/mean girl bullies. All these assholes are always cringey to me because these types of bullies peak as high school seniors and then shrivel into obscurity, because they lose their popular status as soon as they enter the workforce which has its own harsher pecking order.  But…since this is a movie, we cannot waste our time slowly watching them lose their purpose in life. That’s why Charlie and her friend, Memo, roping in Bumblebee to prank the mean blonde girl was funny because it was fully deserved. Bumblebee took it too far and wrecked her car. But…this girl has a dad, so she’d get a new car eventually. ;3

Then, there is Memo (this is a nickname for “Guillermo,” so I assumed he’s Latino.) A neighbor boy who also worked at the pier/amusement park where Charlie worked, but at another stand. He was trying to work up the courage to ask her out. But it felt like he was trying to figure out how to go about it, since he probably figured she was upset about something and the last thing he wanted to do was accidentally offend her. And when he did make the attempt to ask her out, it was when Charlie was in her garage with Bumblebee. He too ended up getting roped into helping Bumblebee. Luckily, he didn’t get in the way or do anything stupid to put himself in danger. 

Of course, Bumblebee (I'll call him "Bee" for most of this review) himself. 

I know that this is a nuclear take, but this movie should’ve been better if the main Cybertronian protagonist would’ve been someone else. The one who kept coming to mind is Wreck-Gar. (AN: If you don’t know who he is, get the hell outta here. I jest.) In G1, Wreck-Gar was a transformer from the planet, Junkion. He was a motorcycle made from scrapyard parts and he spoke with the radio saying his words. I despise the whole “mute Bumblebee” aspect that they keep forcing onto him. But then, the Bayverse prequel aspects keep showing, so they had to explain how he lost his voice and can’t get it back. It happened in the beginning thanks to “Blitzwing.”

The creators of this movie can’t lie to me; this is Starscream. Y’all wanted Bumblebee vs. Starscream. But since Bee kills him off quickly in the beginning, this would absolutely not sit well with the most hardcore fans. Even though Starscream is the most memorable/iconic of the Decepticons, just like Bbee is one of the most iconic Autobots, who is extremely recognizable. That’s why he got renamed as Blitzwing and marketed as such.

The main villains of this movie are a pair of triple-changers named Shatter (red) and Dropkick (blue). These are new characters introduced for the movie. They have come to Earth in search of Bee, so they can torture him for information about Optimus Prime (the Autobot Leader), and help Megatron (the Decepticon leader) win the war. They apparently land in a rural part of Texas, and take the form of some random guy’s prized muscle car. RIP to that guy tho, since they blasted him and he got liquefied. His only crimes were going through a breakup and loving his car more than the woman he was breaking up with. Of these triple-changers, it seemed like Shatter was the leader and Dropkick was her assistant.

Shatter was smart in trying to negotiate with the US Army, and the US Army was dumb for sending both John Cena and the mad scientist, Dr. Powell, to confront Shatter and Dropkick, as the main speakers/diplomats. John Cena wants revenge, so he’s like the last person who’d approach this situation with neutral civility. And Dr. Powell is just a mad scientist, who let himself get carried away. Honestly, John Cena saying that they shouldn’t trust “Decepticons,” was the most intelligent, and logical thing stated here. But nobody listened because they’re all prideful and arrogant, plus it would’ve complicated this story some more.

The part that bugged me the most, which is why I give it a 8/10 rating, is that the plot suddenly intensified, after Bee tried to follow Charlie’s family dog into the house. I guess I can excuse this with Bee’s memory “failing,” so his brain module damage made him do this dumb thing. Ironically, this was the most relatable scene in the whole movie for me. I always feel like I’m going to completely wreck someone’s house if I accidentally bump into something. Bee then got electrocuted and because of this, Shatter and Dropkick found that he was staying near San Francisco and decided to hunt him down.

Then, he was being chased and it ended almost like a dream sequence where Charlie was in bed, unharmed as if she had a nightmare. But John Cena was right there, talking to her parents. I thought this was stupid because shouldn’t he have interrogated Charlie instead, now that she was up? She was the one hanging out most with Bee and could give him the most information, even if she was reluctant and was right about John Cena’s allies trying to do weird experiments on Bee. They would’ve but the good thing was that Bee was always a fugitive.

Unfortunately, he was taken to a base where Shatter and Dropkick were torturing him. Bee couldn’t speak even if he wanted to because “Blitzwing,” ripped out his vocalizer (or whatever the part was called in this movie.) Even if he did confess, he’d end up getting killed off like Cliffjumper, so it wasn’t worth it either. What my analytical ass found weird, yet too convenient about the base scene was that there were only 3 bad guys there – Shatter, Dropkick, and Dr. Powell.

 Speaking of Dr. Powell, I liked how Shatter and Dropkick, but mostly Shatter, called him, “Human Powell.” They even called him “Friend Powell,” right towards the end. But, they got too carried away in saying that they’re going to turn on the humans, that Dr. Powell tried to warn John Cena, via phone call/walkie-talkie, that the US or whatever screwed up in making an alliance with them. Of course, Dr. Powell got liquefied. (But then, Dr. Powell had argued earlier that the Russians would be friends with the Decepticons. And if that would’ve happened, the Russians would’ve been the ones who’d have gotten liquefied.)

Anyway, the final battle was just Bee and Charlie, and John Cena too, trying to stop Shatter and Dropkick from using a big antenna to send a message to the other Decepticons that Optimus Prime and the other Autobots were all going to reunite on Earth. Obviously, they succeeded, and John Cena finally learned the error of his ways when he saw that Bee wasn’t trying to kill him. 

But due to plot reasons or whatever, Bee couldn’t be with Charlie anymore. At this point, Bee scans a new alt-mode and turns into a[n old] yellow Chevy Camaro. It made it seem like Bee could only assume the shape of another car as long as it’s yellow or yellowish (in the case of the beginning, where he was trying to escape John Cena, right before "Blitzwing" showed up.) Bee did get reunited with Optimus, who was in his cubical 18-wheeler form driving down the Golden Gate Bridge with him. So this was a happy ending that also implied the beginning of Bayverse, because in those movies Bee was an old Camaro who upgraded to a modern one.