š identities ;; fem-presenting non-binary , demisexual , omniromantic , taken by my one and only @thetarotcollective (02/14/24)
š dni ;; don't interact if you post anything about self-harm. i'm currently in recovery. also just don't interact if you're not nice. i'm pretty accepting of all people though.
š stances ;; pro-choice , anti-fascist , anti-maga , anti-nazi , punk , radq neutral but i prefer not to interact
š extras ;; i have quite a few mental health problems and some undiagnosed disabilities which i'm in treatment for. my favorite color is pink!!! i love interacting with all sorts of communities so you'll probably see me around :3
if you want to be mutuals, feel free to interact!! i spend all, and i mean all, of my free time on tumblr, so i'm usually around when i'm not in class!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Okay this was literally made for those of you who love first kisses š do we want a little extra smutty bonus part four?? I'm so sad to see this series go, I don't want it to end!! Thank you all for the love I've received on it š
Pairing: poly!marauders x fem!reader
Synopsis: In the aftermath of Remus' attempt to kiss you, you face the boys one at a time and are forced to ask yourself if you're ready for things to be different...
Words: 9.7k
Warnings/Tags: a little angsty from the girly's anxiety, kissing!!! so much kissing!!!!, detailed makeout scenes but nothing graphic
Part one; part two
Requests are: āØopennnnnn!!āØ
Sirius
He found you on the wooden bridge.
It was early still, and there was an empty mug balanced precariously on the railing beside you. You were bundled in Remusā jumper from the evening before, nails digging into the fabric at the cuffs.
Heād been standing at the entrance to the bridge for almost ten minutes, trying to gear himself up to approach. It was rather annoying, really. Heād never been nervous to approach you before; but things between the four of you had changed so much recently.
It had all come tumbling out once youād run off the night before.
āI justābloody fucking hell, I wasnāt thinking.ā Remus was grabbing at his hair, the chocolate bar you two had shared still clutched in his fist with shavings of it getting left behind in his curls.
āThinking what, Moons? Fill us in here, please,ā James said, discarding his broom on the ground and bouncing on the balls of his feet.
Sirius knew James was thinking the same thing he was: that theyād never seen that look on your face beforeāwell and truly freaked out.
āI think weā¦I almost kissed her,ā Remus said after a pause. Guilt was written all over his face. āIāmā¦she was just there andāandā¦Iām so sorry. Iām so sorry.ā
The other two fell silent. Sirius really wasnāt sure what to say to that, and from the look on Jamesā face, he would say they were in the same boat. On the one hand, the trust between the three of them was as strong as it was because none of them went around pulling this kind of shit; but on the other hand, this wasnāt some random-almost-kiss-moment with just anyone. It was you. The light of their lives. The one theyād all been thinking about differently for weeks now, and probably before then but hadnāt realized. It may have been unspoken between the three of them, but that didnāt mean they werenāt all individually aware of it.
Sirius hadnāt been oblivious to the way his two boyfriends had been studying his newfound comfort with you, or to the way their hushed conversations fell to the wayside when he came within earshot. But he hadnāt been able to admit to them that his feelings towards you had changed yetāhe hadnāt even been able to admit it to himself. If he was honest, it scared him.
However, while James mirroring his own feelings towards you was a given, Remus was a bit of a surprise. One that made every following moment feel inevitable.
Sirius sat heavily on the coffee table, broom at his feet, and settled his connected palms in front of his mouthāthinking, but completely silent.
The other two exchanged a lookāRemusā heavy with guilt; Jamesā weighed with confliction.
James walked over to Remus, placed a hand on his back and affectionately rubbed a circle. āWeāll figure it outāletās just talk about it, yeah?ā
Sirius dropped his hands and looked up at his two partners, exposing the shine in his eyes. He bit his lip.
The expression of guilt on Remusā face doubled.
āIām not mad,ā Sirius said around the gravel in his throat. He didnāt feel quite so innocent himself all of a suddenāhis thoughts about you recently hadnāt exactly been completely pure.
āYouāre not?ā Remus slumped under Jamesā hand in relief.
Sirius shook his head and held a hand out for Remus to take and pulled him to sit in front of him on the couch. James sat beside him.
Sirius rubbed his thumb over Remusā knuckles, and grabbed Jamesā hand with his other, copying his actions. āI need to admit something.ā
On the bridge, Siriusā heart was beating hard with the weight of his admission on his mind because now it was real. It was real and it was shared by his other partnersāall that was left was to see if their chance with you hadnāt been completely blown apart by Remusā impatience.
Originally, theyād thought about talking to you all together, but when youād told James you were going for a walk with your coffee instead of eating breakfast with them, it was obvious enough that you were overwhelmed. So much so that cornering you was the last thing they wanted to doātheyād decided on Sirius to find you. Heād smooth things over, tell you what was really going on and gauge how you felt. If things went well, hopefully theyād be having a four-person conversation in a few hours from now. If notā¦well, frankly, Sirius couldnāt even consider that option. Heād been trying to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay last night while attempting to convince Remus that his own werenāt realāthat theyād never lose you. But truth be told, the ebony-haired boy wasnāt sure, and that scared him the most.
Sirius walked a little heavier as he neared so as not to startle you.
You didnāt look up as he approached, or as he leant on the banister, close enough that your elbows touched.
āYouāll catch a cold out here, you know,ā Sirius said, voice warm against the bite of the wind.
āIām fine,ā you said, but softened the unemotional response with a small smile at him before tugging Remusā jumper over your hands.
Sirius couldnāt deny that you looked exhausted. Beautiful, always beautiful, but exhausted. Even now, Sirius could see the cogs turning at top speed in your head.
āHow did you sleep?ā Sirius knew that it was a stupid question, but heād found himself floundering for the right thing to say. How the hell was he supposed to approach the topic that your three best friends were falling madly in love with you, hoped youād feel the same and that his idiot boyfriend hadnāt meant to literally scare you off?
You laughed quietly. āSmall talkās never been your strong suit, Siri.ā
Sirius quirked a smile. He turned to lean fully against the wooden sideboard and nudged the tip of his boot against your shoe.
āI guess itās no surprise that we need to talk about something then,ā Sirius said.
You swallowed. āNot really, no.ā
Sirius watched the sting of the wind burn your eyes. Heād guessed youād already figured things out for yourself for the most partāwith how well you knew them and how obvious Remus had just made things; it couldnāt have been hard. Figuring out where your mind was at, however, was a different story.
āHey,ā Sirius reached out to brush your cheek. You closed your eyes at the feeling, leaning into his palm as you turned to look at him. āWe donāt have to talk about this now if you donāt want to. āM not going anywhere.ā
Your eyes filled with a sudden shine that had Sirius rubbing his thumb back and forth across your cheek.
āEverythingās changing, Siri.ā
āYeah, I know.ā Boy, did he ever. Heād barely stopped thinking about it.Ā
āI just donāt understand how itās all happening at once.ā
āI wouldnāt say that. I know youāve noticed someā¦changes over the past couple weeks.ā Sirius resisted the smirk that tugged at his mouth when a faint blush rose to your cheeks.
āYou mean the hand-holding?ā You asked, voice dropping in shyness.
āThe hand-holding, the staring. Iām not exactly known for my subtlety.ā
You breathed a laugh. āSo these areā¦new feelings then?ā
Sirius held your gaze, letting the silence between you settle on the breeze. āUmā¦no. Itās just that Iāve only had the balls to stop ignoring it recently.ā
Your movements paused as you absorbed the informationāSirius could hear his pulse ringing in his ears. Had being vulnerable always been this bloody scary?
āHowā¦how long?ā You breathed.
Sirius sighed. āI donāt really know. I kind of just realized one day. I think Iāve just been too afraid of what it means to really acknowledge it.ā
āOh,ā you said breathlessly.
Sirius knew you hadnāt meant to seem so emotionlessly shell-shocked, really he did. But those years of starved affection in childhood had never left him, and as much as he wanted to give you a moment to absorb the information, self-protection had him dropping his hand from your cheek and looking down at his boots.
āDonāt do that,ā you said quietly, bringing his hand back to your face. āIām justā¦Iām surprised.ā
āI know,ā Sirius said quietly.
āSurprised doesnāt mean bad.ā
āNo?ā He hated the small crack in his voice, hated how terrified he felt. Like his entire friendship circle was dependent on the success of this conversation.
You held his gaze. āNo. Iām just scared. And I donāt understand how youāre not.ā
Sirius had to hold in what wouldāve been a fairly dry laugh and moved his hand to rub your back.
āIām just as terrified as I was when Prongs finally told me to cut the crap and admit I was mad for him and Moons. Nosey bugger.ā
Siriusā mouth tilted at achieving another small laugh from you.
āAnd now?ā You asked.
Sirius studied you. It was a wonder to him how he hadnāt seen it all these years. He supposed it hadnāt been as obvious to him because he lived with the other two idiots that captured his heart.
Sirius slowly took a step towards you, giving you a chance to move if you wanted, sliding his weight along the banister until your shoulder was pressed against his chest. You were now effectively trapped between Siriusā body and the column behind you.
You blinked up at himāeyes wide and vulnerable.
āThe only thing that scares me about any of this is losing you,ā Sirius said.
You shot him a look. āThatās never gonna happen, Siri.ā
Sirius could feel the thundering of his heart in his hand on your cheek; he wondered if you could feel it too. He also wondered if that declaration youād just made was true. His certainly was. The thought made him bite the inside of his lip.
You clocked his facial expression and turned to face him fully before nudging his arm so both of your hands could reside on his cheeks instead. āNever. You hear me?ā
Siriusā eyes stung and he nodded against your open palms.
āSwear on Snapeās greasy mop,ā you said with a smile which made Sirius smile in turn.
āAnd his great crooked nose.ā
āAnd all the nasty bugs that must get stuck up there,ā you finished together, laughing at the vow from first yearāsomething random James had said when he was swearing truth to a fact that was definitely made up. But the saying had stuck. Merlin knows why.
You dropped your arms from Siriusā face, but he caught them before they lowered past his shoulders, sliding his fingers up your palms until they were interlocking with yours. He tugged your hands so the small space between you closed up, and then you were right there, warm against Sirius in a way heād been imagining for weeks. He couldnāt run now. This was real. You were there, with himāand you werenāt pulling away.
Sirius eyes flicked down to your lips before he could stop himself. It made your breath stall. āIf you want to just pretend everything is still the sameā¦we can.ā
Sirius waited for you to pull back; to say you changed your mind. But you didnāt say anything. Didnāt move. Only stood there, looking up at him with dilated pupils that flicked between his eyes and lips in a similar manner to how heād done with you.
āBut if notā¦I know this isnāt exactly a secret, but I want to be more than just your best friend,ā Sirius said, trying to ignore the way his voice had an undertone of shakiness to it. āSo would Prongs and Moons.ā
You exhaled at the confession that had been hanging around the four of you, unspoken. You allowed for a few beats of silenceājust long enough that Sirius started to wonder if youād changed your mind.
āI want that, too,ā you finally admitted, voice just above a whisper.
Sirius felt the entirety of his body light up. āReally?
You exhaled a breathy laugh, as if you, too, were surprised by what youād said. āReally.ā
Sirius felt himself begin to tilt down into you, trying to contain the pull he felt now that he knew things werenāt one-sided. āCanā¦can I?ā
A full blush spread across your cheeks at the question, seeming to suddenly notice how close you were to him. āWhat about Rem and Jamie?ā
āWe talked about itā¦theyāre okay with it, if you are.ā
Your blush deepened. āYou talked about it?ā
Sirius couldnāt help the smirk that tugged at his lips this time. āWe might have.ā
You blew out another exhale and zeroed in on Siriusā mouthāafter a beat of your focus not letting up, Sirius found himself continuing his slope down into you.
āSiriā¦ā
Sirius stopped as soon as you breathed his name.
You looked up at him with wide, terrified eyes. āNo matter what happensā¦ā
Sirius didnāt need you to finish the sentence to know what you were asking him to promise you. Risking the three most important relationships you had was likely the scariest thing youād ever done. And if there was anything he was willing to promise you, it was that his presence in your life wouldnāt disappear. Not for anything.
Sirius pulled his hands from you, cupped both sides of your jaw and tilted his forehead onto yours. āNo matter what happens.ā
Sirius felt your fingers grip the fabric of his jumper and rest your hands against his abdomen. It made his insides turn to mush, having you here, like this, with him. Itās also what gave him the last gentle nudge to lower his mouth and slot it gently against yours.
Despite your initial gasp at the unfamiliar contact, you quickly softened against him. Sirius moved one arm to wrap completely around your waist so that he could pull you flush to him, hands shaking. You white-knuckled his sweater while he moved his mouth fluidly against yours.
Sirius didnāt rush things, didnāt push you to go faster; but after a few moments you managed to find comfort in all of the unfamiliarityāyour hands snaked their way up into his hair and your mouth started to part slightly. That made his other arm wrap around you as well. Kissing you was as addictive to him as kissing James and Remus for the first time.
When your nails scratched his scalp slightly, he sighedāinvoluntarily, mind youāinto your mouth. You had him completely undone.
Sirius stepped further into your space, turning you so that you were snug between him and the wooden railing. He pulled away slightly, checking your features for discomfort, but you only wanted more of him, eagerly tugging on his jumper while biting your bottom lip.
Sirius leaned back down against your mouth and breathed a giddy laugh before pressing your lips back together. He was feeling a dangerous level of happinessāhe was kissing you. You. His best friend, his anchor. And you were kissing him back.
He had no idea how long he kept you like that, but by the time he pulled away from you, your pupils were blown wide and your face was dusted pink. He could feel a similar burning on his own cheeks, and for a moment he could only stare at you.
Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it again multiple times, trying to think of how to convey everything whirling around inside of him.
āI donāt think I remember how to say things,ā Sirius admitted dumbly.
You laughed, which made his own breath of joy leak out as well. And once he started smiling, he couldnāt stop. Neither could you.
āI donāt know whatās going to kill me first, you or the idea that I have to share you,ā Sirius said, leaning in to press feather light kisses along your jaw.
āYouāre forgetting I have to share you, too. Absurd, really,ā you said, voice all breathy from his exploration. You subconsciously tilted your head to encourage him.
Sirius hummed. āI agree.ā
In peeking his eyes open to get a glimpse of you, he noticed the emptiness of the banister at your back. He straightened. āDidnāt you have a mug?ā
You turned against the same spot where your cup had once been. You looked over the banister and down into the dark gorge below you, hands sliding down Siriusā arms as your spine twisted.
āOops.ā
Sirius let another giddy laugh slip which had you turning back to him.
āI donāt think I really care,ā you admitted, already pulling him back to you.
āGood, because I definitely donāt.ā And with that, Sirius moulded his mouth back against yours, selfishly taking the time to map you out, relishing in all of your tiny sounds and sighs that heād been deprived of for far too long.
Remus
Remus was sure he was losing his mind.
Sirius had been gone for over two hours now, and considering James had spent the evening in bed with you last night, it was safe to say he was beginning to feel a little spun out. Especially considering he hadnāt had the chance to apologize for his ridiculous behaviour.
Heād been pacing around the heater in the center of the room for twenty minutes. Every time he heard someone approach the door heād stop; once they passed and he realized they werenāt Sirius or you, heād turn and start pacing in the other direction. He wasnāt sure he even wanted to know how things were goingāyou couldāve told Sirius that you wanted nothing to do with any of them for all Remus knew. The thought made him feel sick, though he couldnāt honestly say he would blame you.
āMoons, would you relax? Youāre making me feel on edge,ā James said from where he was lounged on his bed.
āPads has been gone for two hours,ā Remus crossed his arms anxiously and bit the inside of his cheek. āHow am I supposed to relax?ā
James groaned and pushed himself onto his elbows. āBy not imagining the worst-case scenario.ā
āEasy for you to say, you didnāt humiliate yourself in front of the girl weāre all in love with last night. You just got to sleep with her,ā Remus finished with a grumble, continuing his pacing.
āWould you stop saying it like that? She asked me to stay. I wasnāt going to leave her, babe. You wouldnāt have.ā
Remus supposed that was true. He would always stay if you asked. But the way heād left things with you last night had his teeth grinding and his joints twitchingāit also had his dramatic side shamelessly flaunting itself. Meaning he couldnāt admit to James that he was right. Even though he knew he was being ridiculous.
James was spared Remusā melodrama, however, when the doorknob to the dorm rattled and swung open to reveal a very dishevelled looking Sirius.
Remus whirled to look at him, James sat straight up like heād been shocked. Sirius looked at his two partners with the most lovesick grin on his face theyād ever seen.
āBloody hell, Pads,ā James laughed disbelievingly.
Sirius walked robotically over to James before flopping himself directly on top of him, using Jamesā lapfor a pillow. He blinked at Remus, his grin growing slightly at the look of utter shockon his boyfriends face.
āHow did it go?ā Remus asked anxiously.
āTurns out our feelings are not as one-sided as we thought,ā Sirius said.
āWait, really?ā James leaned forward to get a glimpse of Siriusā face where it was smushed against his leg, his own voice now full of excitement.
Remus felt the room tilt, that swoop flooding him at Siriusā words.
āSheās waiting in the common room,ā Sirius sighed dreamily to no one in particular.
James looked up at Remus, holding his gaze for a moment as they both tried to comprehend what this could mean. āWhy donāt you go?ā
āYou donāt want to come with me?ā Remus asked, already heading for the door, secretly ecstatic at some real alone time with you.
āWe may as well just take it in turns. Wouldnāt want to overwhelm her.ā James winked.
Remus rolled his eyes. āAlright, see you later.ā
āHer lips are so soft, Jamie.ā Remus heard Sirius say airily on his way out. It made his insides do all sorts of funny thingsāthe idea of his boyfriend kissing you.
At the base of the stairs to the common room, Remus found himself frozen on the last step. You had your back to him, folded up in the same corner of the couch as last night, still wrapped up in his jumper.
Remus was hit with another knee-bucking swoop that had him gripping the banister for extra support, eventually using it to forcibly push himself towards you.
āDove?ā He said quietly, standing at the opposite end of the couch to you.
You looked over at him, and Remus didnāt think heād ever seen you look more beautifulāyour hair tousled, lips stained a suspicious shade of pink. And in his bloody jumper for crying out loud.
He itched to be closer. The summers heād spent away from you were nothing in comparison to the way heād missed you the previous night, but it was exactly that which kept him cautiously at a distance. Despite the contrary proof, he was still mostly convinced you wouldnāt have forgiven him for being an absolute twat, and there was no way he was risking a reproduction of the mess heād made.
āHi,ā you said quietly, already turning towards him and criss-crossing your legs up on the couch.
Remus swallowed. āHi.ā
You studied each other for a moment; Remus was desperately trying to keep himself upright as nerves and that bloody swooping flooded his body the longer he held your gaze.
Eventually you held out a hand for him, and Remus needed no further invitation before he was closing the space between you. He sat heavily in front of you, already reaching for your waist to pull you against him. Your scent flooded his nose with it buried in your shoulder, and a full sigh of relief left him when your hands tucked themselves eagerly in his hair.
āIām so so sorry, dove,ā he whispered into your skin.
āItās okay,ā you whispered back almost immediately.
āNo itās not.ā
āRemāā
āItās not.ā Remus pulled back from you despite the way it made his instincts scream, releasing your waist to cup both of your cheeks. āI never shouldāve put you in that position. Any of you. I feel terrible.ā
āItās okay, Rem. It is,ā you said, rubbing his wrists with your thumbs. āI forgive you.ā
That made Remusā nostrils flare, his eyes stung. āYou do?ā
āOf course I do. You big dummy.ā
Remus laughed tearily, sniffing some as the panic that had accompanied him for the past day began to finally dissipate. āI am a bit of a dummy arenāt I?ā
You smiled softly at him, reaching up to stroke his cheek. āIām not exactly innocent either. I shouldnāt have run off like that.ā
āI understand why you did, though,ā Remus said quietly, playing with your hands in his lap, moving one to rub circles on your thigh. He simply couldnāt stop touching youātoo afraid that if he let you go, youād float away and never come back.
The silence stretched for a moment; Remus watched as you scanned the common room. Not nearly as crowded as usual, but still, not empty.
āDo you wanna find somewhere to talk?ā You eventually asked.
Remus quickly nodded.
With you tucked as close into his side as possible, your arms tight around Remusā middle, he pressed a few butterfly kisses to your hair before leading you out of the common room.
With most people outside enjoying the last of the mild weather before the temperature dipped, the halls were quieter than usual, save the odd cluster of study groups here and there.
The library on the other hand, was almost completely empty, leaving your favourite study corner free for you to tuck yourselves away in. The sunlight had broken through the morning drear and was now streaming generously through the windowsāthe loveseat Remus had pulled you into was in a perfect sun puddle, enabling him to stare at your lit up features.
Remus let his head roll against the back cushion so he could look at you through his eyelashes, rubbing your legs where they were draped over his lap. āI really am sorry.ā
You reached out to rub his cheek. āI know you are. And I forgive you. No more apologizing.ā
Remus reached up to grab your hand, promptly pressing sweet kisses into your knuckles.
āI am curious though,ā you started. āHave you everā¦wanted to do that before?ā
Remusā stomach dropped. āKiss you?ā
You hummed, turning your hand slightly so your fingers pushed through his.
Remus swallowed. āUhā¦a few times.ā
Your eyebrows rose. Remusā eyes flicked nervously away from you and he started to trace the lines in your knuckles instead.
āYesterdayā¦what made youā¦ā you trailed off and nervously bit at your lip.
Remus instinctively reached out to free it from your teeth before he realized what he was doing.
He cleared his throat. āWhat made me decide to actually try?ā
You nodded dumbly, your chin moving in his hand as he continued to thumb at your bottom lip. The shift had him releasing your face with a flush of heat across his own.
āUhā¦honestlyā¦it wasnāt something I exactlyā¦decided. You were justā¦there, and it felt so natural I almost didnāt realize I was doing it.ā
You blinked at him.
Remus felt a flutter of nervousness at your silence. āSorry if thatāsāā
āNo,ā you said with a quick shake of your head. āKeep going. I want to know.ā
You wanted to know. Merlinās tits.
Remus laughed nervously. āWellā¦I donāt know, dove. Iāve just always seen it as the four of us. Even when things changed between me, James and Sirius, you didnāt vanish or try to take up less spaceānot that we wouldāve let you.ā
You breathed a laugh.
āI think that might be why I didnāt really notice until I noticed, yāknow? You were there every step of the way, we just hadnāt admitted anything out loud. When I realized, it was so obvious that Iād always felt this way, I just- I didnāt know what to do about it. I didnāt know who to tell. So I swallowed it and hoped it would just go away but then last night it was just the two of us, and you were right there, and I think I forgot that I hadnāt told you that things had changed for me, andāā
Remus was cut off when he felt a soft palm lay across his cheek and turned his face up from where heād been rambling at your lap, to look you in the eyes. Your expression had completely softened, and he knew what you were asking from the way your thumb brushed the scar along his cheek.
Turns out our feelings are not as one-sided as we thought, Sirius had said.
That same impulse from the night before returned full-force, but so did the fear of watching you run from him.
You seemed to be able to read his thoughtsāyou always had been able toāand spared him of the fear of leaning in. You sat up slightly, hand still on his cheek before you started slowly closing the space one breath at a time. When you were as close as youād been the night before you paused, searching Remusā features for any sign that you should stop.
He could feel the energy with its own pulse fluttering between you.
āIs this okay?ā You whispered, your voice settling into a small echo throughout the stacks of books surrounding you.
Remus swallowed and nodded, unable to trust his voice.
āI donāt- I mean, we donāt have toā¦do anythingā¦if you donāt want,ā you said, suddenly not feeling as confident now you were less than a centimeter apart.
Remus only ran his hand along the arm that was still stretched out to his cheek and tugged so the limb draped over his shoulder as you leaned further in. His other hand found your waist and by the time you full folded into him, his lips had found yours.
Remus didnāt know what to expect from kissing youāthere was even a small fear that it wouldnāt live up to the build-up in his head, but he found himself thinking the same thing he thought when he kissed Sirius and James. That every variable could be different and kissing all of you would still feel like reconnecting to a part of himself that had he thought he would never find.
The soft sounds of your mouths moving together filled the immediate space around you both. Remus found himself reaching for the back of your neck to keep you from pulling awayāit had you leaning further into him, your hand sliding down his forearm, the other hooking around the back of his neck.
Remusā entire body flooded with warmthāhe could feel everything. The heat radiating off you, the distinct feeling of actuality that came with every brush of your skin against his. This wasnāt some dream induced by sleeping draughts or lycanthropy. This was real. You wanted him as much as he wanted you.
He softly looped his arm under your legs and fully lifted you into his lap, disconnecting your mouths when you clung to his shoulders as the jostling.
Youād sat in his lap a thousand times before, but the close proximityā¦the way his lips were buzzing and the fact that he swore he could taste Sirius on you had his nervousness mixing with something far less bashful.
Just when he was about to ask if you were okay with the new positioning, your hands found his hair and you re-closed the distance. Your lips parted for him, one of his hands travelled the length of your spine to cup the back of your neck. You sighed into him.
Remus couldnāt help it; he smiled into your mouth.
It prompted your own smile, until you were softly giggling against him while he pressed butterfly kisses over any surface he could find. He reached out to brush a hair behind your ear, and you leaned forward to rub your nose against his.
Remus found himself with nothing to say since heād convinced himself heād blown up your friendship. His mind had completely stilled; his joints and organs werenāt screaming from holding all that tension for so long. He could just wrap himself around you, close his eyes and let himself believe that everything was actually okay.
James
Theyād barely moved, James and Sirius. The only difference really being that they were sprawled out on the common room couch and not Jamesā bed, but their positioning had remained the same. James had stroked out Siriusā curls to frizz while he listened to Sirius ramble about how good of a kisser you were. James had listened like the good boyfriend he was.
Itās not that he didnāt want to hearāhe definitely didābut he would much rather experience it than have to imagine it through the eyes of his boyfriend. Especially as the other boyfriend was currently off probably doing the same thing with you.
āWhen do you think theyāll be back?ā James said into the stillness of the room.
Sirius soothingly rubbed his thumb on Jamesā hip and propped his chin on Jamesā stomach. āSoon.ā
āHow soon?ā
āJamie,ā Sirius said with a laugh.
āPads.ā
āTheyāll be back soon, baby. They will.ā Sirius dropped his mouth to kiss an exposed sliver of Jamesā stomach.
James let his hand wander back to Siriusā curls while he stared up at the ceiling.
āDo you think they kissed?ā He asked eventually and felt Siriusā mouth quirk at the mention.
āProbably.ā
āDo you think sheāll kiss me?ā
āMost likely.ā
James tried to let that be enough, really he did. But the fact that heād had to endure an entire day of knowing you were, or were most likely, kissing his boyfriendsāand that you would most likely be kissing himāhad his head spinning and his fingers twitching.
āYouāre overthinking,ā Sirius mumbled.
āIām not.ā
āYou are.ā
āIāmāā
James was cut off by the scraping of the portrait hole swinging open against the stone floor.
Sirius quickly propped himself up on his elbows when Remus stepped through with you in tow.
James also sat up on his elbows and had to resist the urge to wolf whistle at the view of you bothāyour lips puffier than Siriusā and Remusā, but the evidence of your eagerness was equally as visible in the pink staining of Remusā mouth. Not to mention the glaze that misted his eyes.
āAlright there, Moons?ā James teased.
Remus opened his mouth to answer but only uttered a flustered laugh before looking down at his shoes, then at you beside himāyour hand clung to his and you were hiding slightly behind his frame.
āHey beautiful,ā Sirius said to you dreamily, his head having dropped into a palm so he could gaze at you.
āHi,ā you answered shyly, cheeks darkening from being in the room with three men who were now more openly obsessed with you than before, two of which youād been kissing all day. Then your eyes flicked to James and held his stare.
James winked at you and relished in the warm feeling that came from your attempt to hide your flustered smile by pinching your lips together. Eventually your expression turned into a nervous biting of your lip while you nodded towards the portrait hole.
James couldnāt have gotten up faster, scrambling out from underneath Sirius who let him go willingly. In two seconds flat, James was barrelling towards you and then dipped so your stomach hit his shoulder.
You squealed in surprise as James stood up and started moving in the direction of the portrait hole. āJamie!ā
āSee you later, loves. Donāt wait up,ā James hopped up the stairs and onto the stairs, though gently enough so that you werenāt jostled too much. As soon as the Fat Lady closed behind you though, he set you down but couldnāt hide his playfulāand extremely excitedāgrin as he smoothed out your hair.
He waited for you to make some cheeky remark about being over-eager, but you only blinked up at him with an inability to hide your giddiness. James hooked an arm around your neck and started leading you in the direction of the one place he knew privacy was guaranteed: the quidditch pitch.
Conversation with you had always flowed naturally, no matter what plagued your daily lives. But as the silence stretched between you, James realized that he was beginning to feelā¦nervous. Nervous about what to say, what to do. Would you be too overwhelmed from everything to want this conversation with him? What if he said something that messed it up, orā
āYouāre quiet,ā you said softly, observing him as you entered the field.
James breathed a laugh and tucked you further into his side. āI think Iām a little bit nervous.ā
āJames Potter, nervous? I didnāt even know that was possible.ā
āOkay, cheeky.ā James pinched your side and saved the giggle he pulled from you to replay in his head later. It had his stomach unclenching somewhat.
A āschoolyard crushā is all heād ever named his feelings towards you asāhe felt foolish for using such a neutral term now. He was only about to reveal that heād been nuts for you forā¦your entire friendship. Godric.
When you reached the posts of the quidditch hoops, James flopped to the grass and leaned against one, pulling you down next to him.
You faced him with your legs stretched out in front of you, and your hands supporting your weight, soaking in the sunshine that was breaking through the clouds.
Jamesā adams-apple bobbed. His natural instinct was to reach out for you, but now that his nerves had completely taken over his body, he was sure a simple touch like that would ignite him.
āSo how was your day?ā James asked, cringing at the way it sounded on its way outānervous, too fast, terrified.
You laughed softly at the question. āSlightly out of the ordinary.ā
James quirked a lopsided smile at you. āBut itās beenā¦okay? Not too overwhelming?ā
You shook your head. āA little scary, sure, butā¦not bad scary. Iām very happy right now.ā
You proved it with another wide smile that broke out over your face, it had Jamesā own blossoming fullyāhis dimples popping on either side of his face.
āI can see that,ā James teased.
You rolled your eyes and nudged his knee with your own.
āFor what itās worth, I donāt think Iāve ever seen Pads that happy, either. And Moons looked like heād swallowed a whole bloody love potion when you both came in.ā
Your cheeks flushed and you brought your hands up to cover your face. āStop Jamie, or my heartās gonna explode.ā
āSee I donāt think I can when you smile like that,ā James flirted, reaching forward finally to bring your hands down from your face. You let him, allowing his thumb to softly trace your fingers.
You looked down at your joint hands thoughtfully.
āI didnāt know they felt that wayā¦Siri and Rem,ā you admitted.
James hummed.
āDid you?ā You asked him.
āYes and no. Iāve known about Moons for a little while. And we both noticed that Sirius was acting differently recently, but you know Pads. If he wants to hide something he will, so we were never sure. He only admitted it to us last night.ā
You nodded as you took in the information.
āAndā¦you?ā You asked, voice dropping to the volume of the breeze.
James felt his stomach flip.
āWhat about me?ā James said, stalling.
You bit at your lip, adjusting to sit cross-legged and took a deep breath.
āHow do you feel about me, Jamie?ā You asked, voice mostly breath as you fought your nerves from displaying on your face. James wanted to reach out and kiss each worry line until you forgot what worry was.
James looked nervously down at your hand in his, busying himself with tracing your knuckles. āIāve always felt differently about you.ā
Your lips parted. āWhat do you meanā¦always?ā
James scratched the back of his head; his palms were beginning to sweat.
āUhā¦well, my feelings for you have never beenā¦exactlyā¦quiteā¦platonic.ā
You paused.
āLike never,ā James concluded.
Your eyebrows shot up. āLikeā¦never never?ā
James nodded. āLike never never.ā
Your mouth parted, eyes darting around like you were scrambling for what to say. Jamesā heart was slamming up against his chest, part celebration at telling you what heād always wanted to tell you; part terror at telling you what heās always wanted to tell you.
āMerlinās tits, Jamie,ā you eventually whispered.
āI know.ā
āThatās huge.ā
āI know.ā
āSiri and Rem, do theyāā
āThey know, yeah.ā
āBut youā¦you never said anything,ā you said, voice falling even softer than it had beenāa tone of excitement there that wouldāve gone undetected by someone who perhaps didnāt know you as well.
āHonestly, I kind of assumed it was just a crush,ā James said with a shrug. āI thought Iād grow out of it.ā
āWhat changed your mind?ā
James hummed, slightly relaxing at the fact that you hadnāt run for the hillsāyet. āIt was more like realizing that it never was a simple crush and Iād really just been in denial for years, than one moment of falling head over heels for you. Turns out I always have been.ā
You gaped at him. āThis whole time?ā
James nodded, slightly amused at your expression. āI donāt know how you didnāt notice, angel. Iām really not very good at hiding it.ā
āYou just always seemedā¦like James. Like Jamie.ā You reached to press your finger to the tip of his nose, smiling when he crinkled it at you.
āYou never noticed Iāve been wrapped around your finger from day one?ā
āNo more than Siri and Rem.ā
James raised an eyebrow at you, waiting for you to realize exactly which people you were claiming to have a likening to.
āOh,ā you breathed.
Exhaling another laugh, James stroked a finger over your cheek. āMaking a little more sense now?ā
āI canāt believe you never told me.ā
āWell, having all three of my best friends reciprocate my feelings wasnāt really an outcome I expected. I didnāt think you felt the same.ā
āYeah, wellā¦you were wrong.ā
James looked at you then, stomach whirling at your admission. āYeah?ā
āYeah,ā you breathed.
āWell thank Merlin for that,ā James said leaning off of the goal post so he could flop back onto the grass, his usual ease creeping back in. He puffed out a full breath relief.
You giggled. āDid you really think Iād spend all day kissing your boyfriends if I didnāt feel the same way?ā
James sat back up against the goalpost and bit his lip. Somewhat hesitantly, he reached forward and lifted you onto his lap.
Your breath hitched, and Jamesā hands burned against the fabric of your jeansāeverything felt different now that it was all out in the open. You knew the reasons behind every blush, every stutter.
āYou know this isnāt a game to me, yeah? I wouldnāt be saying all of this unless I meant it,ā James said lowly and brushed a hair behind your ear.
āI know. Me too.ā Your hands bunched into his jumper and pressed against his chest.
āWhen Moony, Pads and I talked about the three of us getting together, we made this promise that if things ever went sideways, weād never let our friendship die. That we stay in each otherās lives, and yours, no matter what.ā
Your eyebrows rose. āYou talked about me?ā
James paused and moved to hook his finger under your chin. āYouāve been a part of our relationship since the beginning. When Moons and Pads asked me about my feelings for you that night we made things officialā¦I mean, theyāre not idiots. You really think they wouldāve gotten into a relationship with someone who was obviously mad for their other best friend if they didnāt feel the same way deep down?ā
Your lips had parted again, the bewildered expression settled back in your cheekbones.
The moment stretched.
Then your eyes dropped to his lips and stayed there for a few beats before flicking back up to his eyes.
āJamieā¦ā you whispered.
James felt his restraint slip through his fingers like sand. He dropped his hand to cradle your jaw and quickly moulded your lips together.
Those same fireworks that went off inside him wherever you were concerned lit up his body tenfold. You, soft and warm before him, returning his kisses with an equal amount of desire and needāJames was sure he could melt right into the pitch then and there.
His kisses were tantalizing. He wanted you to feel the intentionin themāand how bloody long heād been waiting for this to happen. He felt your jumper-clad fist curl in the front of his jumper; your shoe rustled the grass when your body leaned into him, searching him out.
Jamesā hand wandered to your back, leaving space for yours to roam into his hair. He let out an involuntary, and slightly surprised, groan when your other hand went up to join it buried within his roots and lightly pulled the strands.
You broke away. āSorryāā
āNo, donāt um,ā James cleared his throat, trying to get some sense of grounding from everything you were awakening in his body, ādonāt apologize. That wasnātā¦uhā¦ā
James felt himself lose focus looking at you in front of himābreath short, eyes hazy. He could only swallow, then lean back down to speak against your lips, ādo it again.ā
He felt your surprise in the way you momentarily froze in his hold, before your fingers slowly wormed back into the forest of curls. It was a shyer tug than the first, but James let his appreciation known with a sigh into your mouth before going in for another kiss.
Jamesā moved his hand to your lower back, letting his fingers trace achingly close to a sliver of skin that had exposed itself.
He broke off for a breath. āYou good?ā He panted slightly. Despite the screaming of his instincts and desire, he had no intention of pushing you further than you were comfortable with, eagerness and years of secret loving be damned.
You breathed a laugh against him. āPerfect.ā
Jamesā insides melted to goo and he ferociously recaptured your mouth, fingers dimpling into your hips. Heād been waiting so damn long for this he wasnāt sure he would ever be able to stop.
He took his time tracing you, his kisses equal parts stifling desire and timeless patience. He wasnāt in a rush, but that didnāt mean he didnāt feel that burning want for you pumping through him.
When Jamesā hand travelled up to your thigh, you let a small sigh fall from your mouth to his.
āGodsā¦donāt do that,ā Jamie whispered against your lips, fingers tightening their hold on you slightly.
āSorry,ā you whispered back, with a tilt to your voice that made James think you werenāt sorry at all.
āLiar.ā
Your giggle into Jamesā mouth indicated his instinct was correct, as did the fact that you let your small sounds fall from you a little louder now. And James, Merlin save him, couldnāt stop the way his body insistently responded to youāholding you tighter, breathing back every sigh that left you, preparing himself to never let you go.
You
Your entire body was buzzing. You could feel it everywhereātiny vibrations inside your skin as if your heart had been stuffed full of so much love, it bred tiny little heartbeats into every cell of your body.
Even in your nose, pressed against Jamesā neck as you clung to him while he towed you up the hill to the castle.
āDoinā alright back there, pretty?ā James said with a slight huff, rubbing his thumbs where his hands were wrapped around the bottoms of your thighs.
āNever better, handsome,ā you flirted.
āIf you keep sweet talking me like that, weāre never gonna get back to the common room.ā
āThat doesnāt really sound like a complaint.ā
James stopped at the entrance to the wooden bridge to look over his shoulder at you. āDonāt tempt me.ā
You swung your legs in his hold playfully, drawing a breathy laugh from him. You leaned in to press your lips sweetly to his, mulling over how that was a desire you could act on now in the breath afterwards.
James kept his eyes closed as if he was determined to soak up as much of the moment as he could. āOne more.ā
You laughed into his shoulder before leaning in to press one short kiss to his lips, followed by another lengthier one.
āBabygirl, youāre gonna be the death of me,ā James said with pink cheeks and an expression that made you think he didnāt quite mind.
James didnāt put you down for the entire walkārefused to, in fact. But you happily obliged with small, sweet kisses to the slope of his shoulder, slowly getting shyer the closer you got to the common room.
Knowing Sirius and Remus were waiting for you both to return had your stomach flipping over itself relentlessly. You knew the hardest part was over nowāthank Godric and all the witchesābut you had no idea what would happen next. Only that everything in your life was about to change.
āReady?ā James stopped in front of the Fat Lady and slowly dropped you to the ground, quickly bringing you into his side.
āYeah,ā you whispered nervously.
āWe got you,ā James whispered back, leaning down to press one firmer, but reassuring, kiss to your stained mouth. He gave the Fat Lady the password, and you held your breath as he descended into the low lighting of the common room.
The crowd had thickened since you were here lastāthe pre-dinner hunger beginning to make people restless and drawing them inside. Remus and Sirius were nowhere in sight, and James mumbled something to you about going to the dorm before beginning to tow you through the clusters of students.
It was only when you were in the hall that you realized the ringing in your ears wasnāt from student chatter but from incoming nerves.
James gave your hand one more reassuring squeeze when you arrived outside the dorm door before turning the handle and leading you inside.
Remus had his head in Siriusā lap and his legs stretched out across his boyfriendās bed. Somehow theyād gotten more beautiful since youād seen them just three hours ago. Ā
āWelcome back,ā Remus said lowly, eyes going directly to you. Sirius matched Remusā gaze, hand frozen in the lycanthropeās hair as you became the object of his focus. You tucked yourself more into Jamesā side out of shyness.
āWasnāt sure we were going to make it, honestly. This oneās a fiend,ā James teased and pinched your side.
You let out a squeak of surprise. āYouāre one to talk.ā
James pretended to consider your comment for a moment. āThat is true.āĀ
There was a breath of silenceāthe four of you not knowing what next turn was the right one to take. Then Remus held out his hand towards you.
You approached slowly, and only after a bit of a nudge from James. You didnāt know why you felt so nervous all of a suddenāhadnāt the hard part been admitting everything out loud?
Remus sat up as you got closer, making himself comfortable next to Sirius and pulling you into his lap when you were within reach.
You felt heat flush your face. Your senses completely lit upāRemusā warmth behind you, the heavy stares of Sirius and now James, too. So much had changed in just two days. If someone had told you last week that youād soon be confessing unknown feelings to your best friends and spending an entire day kissing them, you probably wouldāve laughed. Yet, here you were, and it felt as natural as before.
āHow was your day, dove?ā Remus said gently into your ear.
How was your day, he asks, as if he hadnāt completely flipped your life overnight.
You looked directly at James as you repeated the same answer youād given him, āfairly out of the ordinary.ā You decided it was worth it as soon as your ears were met with the silver trumpet sounds of Sirius and Remus laughing.
āWas it okay though?ā Sirius asked, ever the unsure receptor of love.
You reached out and hooked your finger around his, prompting him to grab eagerly onto your hand.
āIt was perfect.ā You squeezed Siriusā hand before he raised it to press his mouth against. Your stomach flippedāthe wildest thing about all of this was that besides the kissing, nothing had really changed. Sitting on Remusā lap wasnāt new, Sirius kissing your hand wasnāt new, James looking at you like you were made of gold wasnāt new. But now everything was out in the open. It all had a meaning to it. The way your feelings had revealed themselves the last twenty-four hours was intensely addicting, but intense all the same.
Remus shifted and slid you into the small space between him and Sirius, both of them finding ways to keep both hands on you at all times.
James walked casually over and sat on the edge of the bed, placing his elbow on his knee, and his chin in his palm, joining in on the ogling.
You felt like you were in a spotlight in front of a million people with all eyes on you.
The four of you allowed the silence to stretch beyond a normal lengthāyou, specifically, had gotten intrinsically caught up in the way Siriusā fingers were moving in and out of your own. Like he was quietly memorizing every fold and crease in each one.
So new, and yet, exactly the same.
āWhat now?ā You asked quietly after a moment.
Remus rubbed your knee comfortingly, and you naturally leaned further into his side.
āWellā¦ā Remus started, āwhat do you want to do now?ā
You blushed as the immediate thought of ākeep kissing youā came to your mind. You caught Sirius tilting his head at you before you barrelled forward.Ā
āI just mean⦠we canāt exactly go back to before, can we?ā
āBloody hell, no,ā James shook his head so harshly you worried heād sprain something. āNo buggering way Iām going back to before. Absolutely not.ā
You laughed shyly, nudging him with the tip of your foot.
āI second that,ā Sirius quickly agreed.
Remus hummed, āme too.ā
Your blush darkened and you zeroed in on Siriusā hand, unable to meet any of their gazes.
āWhat do you want to do, doll?ā Sirius asked, reaching over with his spare hand to brush a finger over your cheek.
You glanced up at him, and then over at the other two.
āI donāt want to go back to before either,ā you finally admitted.
āSo does that meanā¦ā your eyes flicked up to James who had a dangerously hopeful look on his face, āwe can call youā¦our girlfriend?ā
You were sure that blush was permanent now. Girlfriend.
You smiled down at your lap. āI suppose it does.ā
āAnd thatās what you want?ā Remus asked, lowering his voice slightly in the way that only Remus doesāas if heās creating a momentary bubble, just for you and him.
You looked up at him and felt the certainty that had been humming beneath your skin all day, finally settle down deep inside you.
You nodded. āMore than anything.ā
Remusā face settled into something soft and fond; he dropped his forehead to yours, prompting you to close your eyes and take a deep breath, letting the moment settle.
āIāve never been so glad to have made such an idiot of myself before,ā he whispered softly into the space between you.
You couldnāt help but laugh airily.
You felt the rumble of Siriusā dramatic cough behind you. āMoons if you donāt mindā¦Iād like to kiss my girlfriend, please.ā
Reluctantly, Remus straightened, but youād found yourself frozen in place.
How many hours had it been since you kissed Sirius? What if youād forgotten how to? What if he changed his mind and decided you were a terrible kisserā
You had no more time to let your mind spin a hole into the ground, as Sirius reached over with a single finger to rotate your chin towards his awaiting lips. He quickly captured them, and the same mind-numbing bliss you remembered from this morning washed over you.
The way he had a hand splayed out on your thigh had you thinking he was reluctant to let go, but too soon, he was backing away from you, eyes a shade gooey-er than before.
James let out a low whistle.
Your natural reaction to it was to hide in Remusā shoulder, as you so often would when you needed a moment from the world, but Remus swiftly redirected your destination with a firm hand to the back of your neck.
He pulled you up to him, and if it hadnāt been for his hand keeping you attached to him, you mightāve fallen over. Kissing the boys in the space of a day had almost imploded your system, let alone a few minutes.
You couldnāt help the breath that escaped you when Remusāgreedily, mind youāparted your lips with his tongue.
āCareful, love. Moons tends to enjoy making us putty in his hands,ā James said, rubbing your ankle affectionately.
The words turned your bones to mush, and Remusāunenthusiasticallyāfreed you, his gaze heavy on your mouth.
āMy turn,ā James said, swooping in with his legs crossed. He squeezed right between Remus and Sirius pulling your legs over his hips until you were in his lap. He wasted no time reconnecting your mouthsāas if it had been him who hadnāt kissed you since the morning, not Sirius.
James kissed you feverishly, capturing your lips in quick, cracker-fire bursts. He had you gasping in seconds before he wandered down the expanse of your jaw and neck.
You tilted your head subconsciously, panting.
āProngs,ā you heard Remus say over the fog that had clouded your senses and felt James peek out from your hair. āWe have time.ā
A chill ran up your spine at that.
James gave you one more searing kiss with a farewell bite to your lower lip. You fought every instinct not to whimper.
Sirius was quick to envelop you under his arm when you returned to your original spot with shaky hands, your legs in Jamesā lap. āBet youād rather do that than work on those dumb essays, huh?ā
You nudged Sirius with your elbow. āIām not sure Slughorn will accept that I was too busy kissing my boyfriends to give a shit about Golpalottās Third Law as a viable excuse.ā
āAh, you wonāt need an excuse,ā James squeezed your shin, the effect of hearing you say boyfriends adamant. āAināt no way you get anything less than an A on the next one or olā Slughornāll be hearing from me. No one messes with my girlfriend.ā
James puffed his chest out until he got a laugh from you.
āWell maybe I wanna stand up to Slughorn for her, sheās my girlfriend, too,ā Sirius tucked you further into his side.
James rolled his eyes. āMaybe if you hadnāt constantly distracted her when she was writing the last one we wouldnāt have to in the first place.ā
āMe?ā Sirius guffawed. āWho was it that was constantly asking for her opinions on Quidditch strategies?ā
āWell at least I wasnā"
You glanced over at Remus who was already looking at you, features the softest youād ever seen them, before he rolled his eyes.
You knew this was exactly how things were meant to be, with those who loved you most. And though everything was new and different, you also knew that really, nothing had actually changed at all.
the hardest class in the English department at my university, Literature Theory, the class I've sat through and struggled to comprehend and understand, the class I got a 75 on the midterm, and I'm ending off with a 90!!
I was soooo not confident because I've been struggling to comprehend the material since the midterm, but I locked in and pulled it together and got an 87 on my final!! I'm so proud of myself for that!! AND on my last paper I got a 100 which I've never ever gotten a 100 on a paper before so that blew my mind.
me: i don't have tomodachi life yet but so far i have 4 islands planned! one for real people, one for our systems, one for fictional characters, one for my OCs-
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
content warnings: struggles with religion and religious abuse
deconstructing my core values and views on the world has been challenging. i was raised by my grandparents, devout Christians who from day 1 instilled the belief in me and my siblings that it's always God first. that he is so loving and kind and all of these amazing things. reading about Jesus, I was fascinated by the compassion, acceptance, and overwhelming love I saw in the bible. but i never read it right apparently.
through my time in the church, i was verbally abused, harassed, the idea beat into my head over and over that no one can bare the weight of my sins other than God, and that i should never have friends who weren't religious because they'd go to hell. from the time i was young, that sat with me, scarred me and pushed me away from potential friendships and relationships. when i was discovering i was queer, the youth pastor told me off and the next day at church i had people coming up to me telling me they were praying for me. at 12 years old.
these fears have bled into my adulthood. through my relationship with my incredible partner, i have not been able to talk in detail about growing old together. not only did i never see myself making it that far, but he isn't religious, and over and over again all i could hear during these discussions is that they're going to hell, they're going to leave me, and im the afterlife, i will be alone while they burn in hell forever.
despite my love of the CANON Jesus, Christianity has done nothing but hurt me. i have believed out of fear, an overwhelming, existential dread looming over my head. i contemplate my death and my fear of losing them at least once a day if not more. i don't want to believe in a religion that gives me panic attacks when i try to talk about my future with the person i love. if they can't go to heaven, i don't want any part of it, regardless if i'm afraid or not.
not only has my relationship harmed me, but my familial relationships. i'm wounded because i have no idea if the people who raised me, who i love more than anything, will come to my wedding because we are queer. since they found this out, i have been the black sheep of the family, religion pushed onto me so hard, more than anyone else, and it has damaged us. they cannot merely be loving and accepting of me because i'm their granddaughter, the person they raised. "christianity," or their warper perception of it anyways, has tainted the idea of pure, unaffected love and acceptance. and it will probably always be like that.
anyways, i've been very interested in witchcraft/paganism/wiccan so if you have any tips to getting started i'd love to hear them <3
my brain comes up with the most random crossovers ever. so you want to hyperfixate on both attack on titan and the marauders? BAM. fully developing an au with the same ideas but different plot structure and details to make it its own thing. and holy shit. it's a lot to plan, but it's sooooo funnnn. i'm having a great time :)
cw ;; angry opinions that are actually just facts.
conservatives PISS ME OFF. "we need to separate bathrooms by biological sex! what if a man lies and says hes a transwoman to get into the bathroom and expose himself."
Okay. Fucking idiot. FIRST OF ALL. Public indecency/exposure and assault are already crimes. Deciding what biological sex can use what bathroom does not change that. If a man, or ANYONE for that matter, goes into ANY bathroom and exposes themself in any way, thats already a crime.
SECOND. what prevents them from lying? If transmen have to use the women's bathroom and they look like men, why can't a cis man go into a bathroom and say he's a transman? What then? Are you going to make a law against lying? How will that work out for ya?
THIRD. This will impact the fuck out of anyone that doesn't look "feminine" or "masculine" enough. This will be traumatizing to a lot of people, regardless if they're trans or not! It will disproportionately effect POC, especially black and indigenous women.
FOURTHHHH. What about people that don't have typical chromosomes? What about intersex people? People with naturally high levels of estrogen/testosterone while identifying as their SAAB? What about people with hormone imbalances? For example, people with PCOS grow a lot more hair, and some like me, it's in unconventional places like on their chin/would-be beard area.
And fifth. There is (although limited amounts of) research that finds NO CORRELATION between the rise of violence in bathrooms and gender-inclusive policies. Not only that, but other research suggests that people who are trans (ESPECIALLY YOUTH) are more likely to be victims of assault! Well isn't that crazy!
Thats the thing, they don't even give a fuck! They just want control, they want power, they want to turn the American people towards a different enemy so they can get away with all their fucked up shit. They're choosing a target. It's white supremacy. It's fascism. It's fucking disgusting and so many people are falling for the propaganda it's insane.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
to be seen without performing. to be heard without screaming. to be missed without disappearing. to be enough without proving it. to be held without falling apart. to be understood without explaining. to be wanted without conditions. to be. to be.
validating people's emotions and feelings is very important, and I think most of us understand that. however, it's equally as important to be able to analyze your thoughts, recognize your feelings on whatever situation are not, in fact, valid, but you have them regardless. your feelings won't change whether they're "valid" or not.
you're allowed to feel things that don't make sense, aren't logical, have no grounding. you'll have feelings on everything your brain wants to. but recognizing that they're unfounded after thinking about them critically and holding yourself accountable while making personal space for said feelings is necessary. only searching for validity in every feeling can actually be really toxic and that's how people fall into a pattern of enabling themselves and others.
that being said, thinking critically about your feelings is hard as fuck. you can psychoanalyze yourself and try to get to the root of your feelings, and yeah, understanding why you feel things can be helpful to stop them at the source, but being able to deal with feelings head on is a much more imminent skill when dealing with mental health issues. we can try and prevent the feelings at the root, but being able to work through them in the moment is arguably a harder and more valuable skill to have because you're not always going to be able to find the root, find the cause, so treating them and calming the severity is extremely important.
(sorry this is lowkey everywhere not very eloquent today)
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
There is not enough kindness and understanding in the world and WE NEEEEEED IT NOW MORE THAN EVER!!!
Please be kind to people! Embrace them, teach them and learn from them, have thoughtful conversations, validate people's experiences, and DON'T BE A FUCKING BIGOT!!
(The best of this post and its reblogs, but with links that work)
Here is a website where you can scroll down to all the different levels of the oceanĀ
Here is a website where you can see the future of the universe
Here is a website where you can press aĀ āmake everything okayā button, over and over, until things really are okay
Here is a website that you can read if you feel like a burden
Here is a website where you can look at strobe illusions (TW strobe/flashing)
Here is a website where you can cut stuff up (TW blood/sh)
Here and here are websites where you can play with sand
Here is a website where you can draw with macaroni and other fun foods
Here is a website where you can paint someoneās nails
Here is a website where you can grow a garden with emojis
Here is a website with hundreds of videos of people hugging you (rightfully dubbedĀ āthe nicest place on the internetā because it really is, yāall, it made me cry)
Here is a website that will take you to other useless websites
Here is a website where you can make a tiny cat play bongo drums (and other instruments!)
Here is a website to help give you gentle reminders <3
Here is a website where you can grow a tiny farm
Here is a website where you can take a bunch of scientific personality tests
Here is a website of calm rain noise
Take a breath. Itās going to be okay, I promise.