My Moon, My Man

i have a strangely heartfelt gay temptation island au on my mind .....

okay so walk with me in a world where gay temptation island is real and shane has an asshole boyfriend he goes on the show with because his bf is shameessly looking for 50k+ instagram followers and is like baaaabe cmon itll be funnnnnn youre no fun babe :( youre such a boring buzzkill babe ugh. and he takes it as a challenge like well i can be FUN. lets go HAVE FUN . ON TV . (literally hes so miserable about this btw whyyyyy did he take the bait whyyyyyy) anyways so on gay temptation island ilya is one of the sexy singles and he sees shane and the jaws theme song starts playing in his head. he wanted to be one of the singles cuz him and svetlana watch the show and make fun of the flimsy couples and he signed up like please yes god i would love to ruin relationships on tv for fun get me in thereeeee!!!! shane is ilyas first pick on the island and of course they get really extremely horny about it really quickly but ilya finds himself charmed by shane far too easily :( and the more he hears about shanes boyfriend the more hes like. that guy has the best of them all and doesnt even act like it. culminating in a very intimate make out session that almost leads to sex until shane is like . i cant fuck up what i have just because you think you like me and they argue a bit cuz ilya is like. i DO like you i like you more than i want to admit! and shane just gets so angry cuz you dont even know me, ilya, he knows me and hes willing to put up with all of it. and ilya is so sad cuz he knows shane really thinks that.

I feel like Ilya would definitely get some “ball and chain” type of comments regarding Shane and at one point he ends up in a group of guys who start ragging on him when he's thinking about heading out early, calling him whipped, joking about Shane having him on a tight leash, and Ilya ends up just saying, genuinely confused, “do you guys not like your wives?” There’s complete silence for a second before Ilya continues, “maybe you should give them the chance to find someone who actually enjoys spending time with them." And then he goes home to his husband, who also happens to be his favourite person in the world.

i don’t believe teenage girls learn about gay fanfiction i think they each individually create the idea in their head first

the thing about ilya is that he is so funny and beautiful.... and he is so sad.....

It’s like no one even wants to talk about Shane and Ilya getting drunk together for the first time at the cottage over small table with candles lit and Shane asking earnestly “is this how dates actually go? They’re nice”. And Ilya has to Die about it and Kiss him about it a lot because Shane means it- he’s been on dates but none that felt like this like Ilya was all over him and too far away at the same time and there was all this want tangled up under the table between them and the knowledge that they are going to fuck after this and he gets to watch Ilya laugh across the table and flirt with him and Shane gets to watch Ilya watch his mouth when he sips at his beer and feel the air thicken when he puts his feet between Ilya’s, like his pulse ticking up up when Ilya takes his hand briefly and opens his palm and traces his fingers over the lines of Shane’s palms as he’s explaining a play, using Shane’s hand as paper just as an excuse to touch

also the weed and losing line rocks because it targets ilya's specific self destructive beliefs about himself that he is both lazy and a loser and that shane will one day see these things and realize that he can do better and leave ilya, so when shane pulls those two things in the fight it validates ilya's worst fears. and then shane leaves.

‘i wonder how jacob is going to adapt the boxing day fight… i really hope he takes all the toxicity out and especially the part where ilya backs shane into the wall :(’ okay well i actually love that ilya’s been bottling up all his anger and resentment and fear and communicating in passive aggressive eyerolls for months and blows up out of nowhere during a nice boxing day afternoon and then shane responds by saying the nastiest most hurtful most breathtakingly clueless thing he can think of like a cornered animal and then ilya pulls his usual emotional cutoff and tells him to get the fuck out of his house because he’s done with the fight he started now and then shane refuses to leave and keeps repeating the same question over and over again and then ilya straight up has a cptsd rage blackout and realizes in a very visceral and horrifying way how deeply maladaptive his coping mechanisms are because by refusing to acknowledge that he has any needs at all in order not to hurt shane he is now HURTING SHANE <3 like i know it makes both of them cry and have to take a very hard look at how they’ve been acting as partners and people but it makes me happy to get all that catharsis so :)

99% of fanfiction is absolute dogshit bathwater and that’s beautiful, I love that, I love that the barrier for entry is nonexistent, I love that anyone can do it, I love all the badly written porn, I love that it’s just creation for creation’s sake, I love it. Except when it’s something I’m into. When it’s something I’m into, then I’m gonna need everyone to step it up.

it's summer which means i am constantly asking myself questions such as "who is on my hockey team" and "is that a good idea"