Accept No Substitutes

this caption is so deceptive, this video is so much more than that

There's no better case for socialism than the world's first trillionaire being a massive loser who cosplays as his mom and baby online and lies about being good at video games in an attempt to give his life meaning.

I don’t know what we did to deserve Mr. Rogers but I’m so glad we had him. 

imagine there is one semi-redeemed dalek who works at the space dmv. they hired it because it makes lines go quicker. someone forgets their papers and instead of arguing about it, they hear a dalek start yelling PAPERWORK. PAPERWORK. and they apologize profusely and leave.

"average dalek doesn't kill anyone in its lifetime" actually statistical error. dalek todd, who works at the space dmv and has actually saved lives by providing spaceship driver's licenses, is an outlier and should not be counted

space dmv gets denied proper funding for equipment the fifth year in a row and dalek todd unleashes all his hatred onto updating all their computers with superior dalek tech so that they can process requests faster. everyone loves dalek todd. he's a joy to have in the workplace. sometimes he'll tell you that you would make a better dalek then [insert species here] and he would convert you in a heartbeat, but we think that's just his way of being friendly. if balance your coffee on top of his head when he gets mad, it heats up.

dalek todd was not involved in the time war because and i quote "THE DALEK EMPIRE DID NOT REGISTER ITS WAR SHIPS PROPERLY. SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT TIME LORDS BUT THEIR PAPERWORK IS IN ORDER. I WILL HAVE TO FINE EMPEROR DAVROS TEN BILLION SPACE DOLLARS."

Unfortunately there was that time when Dalek Todd's supervisor (a semi-redeemed Cyberman) got into a heated "discussion" with him over who was better at converting other species and they both had to attend sensitivity counseling

Please memorize some "i desperately need out of this conversation because I cannot behave like a human any more" scripts. Please. I can even supply some. Let me get on my computer but, my god, there are formulaic ways to say 'i have no ppl juice rn and you speaking to me any more will cause me to conjure vivid, beautiful images of me THROTTLING YOU" without being a giant douchebag and it worries me that you don't know this

This is incredibly useful, op, thank you!

What I’ve noticed is that people who have “good social skills” and move easily in groups tend to be really good at just bailing or saying no to things as needed and the rest of us are trapped on the sofa, life flashing before our eyes, trying to come up with the right SAT vocabulary to perfectly explain why we get to go home now and no one can be sad. Anyway these are good scripts in normal human english.

"Okay, well, I'mma let you go" is the ultimate Southern (and I think mid-western?) way to leave almost any conversation. You can put part of any of the above scripts between "well" and "I'mma" if you like, and you're out the door or off the phone.

well look who it is. my old friend. the conses of my quences.

do not 10k me stop that

*clicks reblog* your old friend, the conses of your quences, sends their regards

If you’re pining you need to stop and pick a different tree. You know, spruce it up a little

I’m still proud of this post. It’s evergreen

If staff reformed the ban system to stop banning trans women and used the resulting good will to re-introduce pornography, this site would become a juggernaut. It would swallow Twitter whole.

I know we’re all like lawless nonconformists but you really can’t be texting and driving. that’s one of the ones you’ve gotta listen to for real

Not even at stoplights!!! I know it’s so so tempting to just glance at your phone when you’re stopped, but there’s actually something called “distraction hangover” where even once you put your phone down, your brain is still processing the interaction and isn’t fully paying attention to the road for up to 30 seconds afterwards. So it’s still really dangerous even if you’re stopped when you look at your phone. If you need to check something on your phone, pull over.

this especially applies to people with adhd. you know that symptom you may have heard of called “difficulty transitioning between tasks”? you don’t want piloting a ton or two of potential death to be the task you can’t mentally switch back to.

Interesting! I hadn't heard of the "distraction hangover" before, turns out because it's pretty recent research!