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Things haven't really gotten better. I'm still dealing with physical consequences and will be for a bit.

But I also talked a lot to the friends I do have. I also heard from some older friends I'm happy to get back in touch with. I still feel alone but I have much more evidence that I'm not to reference back to. I'm thankful for that.

After an attempt, often people feel grateful for surviving. I'm not there yet. Things will probably get much worse emotionally before they get better. But I'm still here for now and I'm trying to enjoy it as best I can.

The other day I took a spur of the moment trip out of town to the big mall to look for Chiikawa merch. Idk what happened but after the 10th I got really focused on them. I think it's the simplicity. I desperately want a plushie of Chiikawa to hold soon. Comic con is coming up so maybe there? I have a lot to do before then bc... I kinda thought I wouldn't make it there lmao.

Maybe someday I'll be far enough away from this that I'll feel better. I hope that, but right now I'm in the middle of it and feel like I'm drowning. Wondering why I'm not enough, not good enough, not worth enough, burying myself in ways that aren't helpful to anyone.

Two things I have been thinking about;

I opened up more specifically to a good friend of mine about the attempt and was told "A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved. A joy shared is a joy doubled." I've had trouble believing this lately because voicing myself has so often gone wrong, but I do believe them when they say so.

And also the classic tumblr image:

I attempted suicide on April 10th. Physically I'm fine; my body is fine, I have a nurse nearby, I just feel kind of garbage-y at the moment obviously.

Emotionally, less so. I'm not a danger to myself and the appropriate people IRL are aware of such so that they can make sure that stays the way; I also spoke to my closest friends about it and am beyond lucky to have some amazing people in my life who are checking in with me and keeping me busy. I am not yet at the 'I'm glad I survived' state though.

I probably won't be posting writing for a while, of course. My headspace hasn't been great for it but I'm happy to chat if anyone wants to.

Mostly, the purpose of this post, if anyone has any good news or words of support to share, I'd love to hear it.