Void Me, Tar Daddy

when your stomach is really mad at you and you're not sure which one of your fourteen unhealthy lifestyle choices is causing it

somehow my app bugged and cut the last nine words off so I thought op was a cow or something

Hooked up with a British guy once and he said "awh that's propah" while I ate his ass

using "what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament" to mean "yeah i made an embarrassing reference but you understood it which is also embarrassing" is very funny to me

my favorite part is that absolutely nobody says this except here. so if you use it in public, it's a dead giveaway that you spent the last ten years on tumblr. but then again, they recognized it, which means they were at the devil's sacrament

you came back wrong and i am racked with guilt because i cannot bear to see you like this and i should have let you rest. i loved you so much that i defied death itself but i do not think either of us are happy

this is what microwaving leftover pizza feels like

stop it i was trying to be gothic

executive dysfunction is literally like. ive had a random dollar on my floor for two weeks and i dont know when ill fit it in my schedule to pick it up. people dont realize this

picked up the doler👍

VERY funny to me to imagine that at some point before the double dragon hossberg fight Lucanis or Teia tells Rook about Viago's punny poison names and so afterward Rook is like "so what did you call the ballista bolt poison?" And with a completely straight face Viago says something like Dragon You Down or some shit and Rook has to visibly choke back laughter. Lucanis is like "oh no. oh no why would I pick that one" and Viago is just pleasantly surprised that someone else enjoys his puns and thus always has a soft spot for rook and rook alone

Ive said this before but swear the biggest skill to learn as an adult is how to resist high-pressure sales tactics. You do NOT have to answer questions with anything other than "Sorry I'm not interested." No matter how nice they are or no matter how many follow up questions they ask or even how agitated they get when you stand your ground. Just keep saying I'm not interested. Don't answer their questions. Don't give them an opening to try to push back on your reasons. Be a fucking brick wall of I'm not interested.

How hard do you think Illario was biting his tongue not to call out Lucanis talking shit during that coffee date? Just trying his damnedest not to quip some shit like "and how would you know" with him talking about kisses goodbye. You can't tell me that man didn't clock Lucanis being into Rook immediately from that line alone. Ain't no way his cousin has actually intentionally talked like that a day in his fucking life.