Working on it

So they come back and show me a beautiful xray of an intact leg... and the foot on the very corner of it, where the dog's identifying information was covering the toes.

I was able to call the lab and get a copy without any text on it (dog had one(1) broken toe) but for a moment all i could think about as i squinted at the letters trying to spot a fracture through them was Mike Wazowzki yelling about being on the cover of a magazine

No, you don't want that otter. No, that is not a pet. No, that up close encounter where you can pay to cuddle with an otter is probably not ethical. No, I'm pretty sure that channel with a guy and his pet otters is not a legitimate "animal rescue", stop recommending it to me.

Yes, the otter is cute. Please admire them either from a distance, or behind a barrier at an accredited facility. Thank you.

If you want a pet, you want a domesticated species. If you want a domesticated mustelid (the family otters belongs to), we have one: it's called a "ferret"

All of the issues of supporting less ethical encounters and driving the illegal pet trade aside (other people already covered them, yay), have you seen those teeth? The ones that rip through fish like butter?

North American River Otter (The Des Moines Register)

Asian Small-Clawed Otter (Knockhatch Adventure Park)

Do you want wet slippery stinky chaos gremlins with those teeth anywhere near your soft fleshy parts? No. No you do not.

People get bitten by wild otters and it is a big enough deal to make the media when it happens! There’s a bunch of examples of serious bites at this link. They mostly avoid people but when they feel threatened they can fuck you up.

Seriously. There is a reason that people who work with otters, professionally in credible zoos and aquariums are the least likely people you will see reaching in to sneak a skritch. They only contact their otters in heavily trained situations using very thoroughly positively reinforced tactile cues.

Your brain is an incredibly energy-intensive organ. It makes up approximately 2% of your total body mass, but at rest it's using 22% of your total energy intake. The only thing that uses the same percentage of energy is all of your skeletal muscle (which is about 40% of your total body mass), with the liver (about 2.6% of your total mass) close behind at 21% (Aragon et al, 2017).

And that's how much energy it's using at rest.

That's the baseline.

So if you're doing lots of intellectual labour, your brain - which already has disproportionately huge energy demand - is going to use even more energy to keep up with the work. That's why you feel so wiped/drained/like you're out of spell slots after high intellectual demand - because your brain is an organ, and you've just done a lot of high-energy work with a high-energy organ.

…which means it’s time for an annual reminder not to kidnap baby birds. Fact: most species of birds have almost no sense of smell. Someone probably told you that if you touch a baby bird, the mother will smell you on it and reject her baby. THAT IS NOT THE CASE. If you’ve found a baby bird and you touched it, all is not lost, you can still return it to mom and dad!

Pictured: a young Mourning Dove, after being rescued from the tender mercies of my dog, circa spring 2005. It’s a fledgling! Note how it has most of its feathers, but still looks a bit awkward and scruffy, and, being unable to properly fly, can be caught by an elderly husky or a child. 

Help, I found a baby bird on the ground, what do I do???

Hatchlings/Nestlings: IF it is naked or covered in fluffy down and/or pinfeathers and cannot flutter successfully, it’s a hatchling or nestling, and has fallen from its nest prematurely. Look for the nest- if you find it and can reach it, return baby and then leave and let the parents return. If you can’t find the nest, or if you find it in pieces on the ground, use a small box/yogurt container lined with dried grass and attach as close as possible to where you found the bird or where you think the nest was. If it’s cold, warm it in your hands for a few minutes before putting it back. RETURN BABY!!!! 

Fledglings: If you spot a young bird covered with feathers (may have a few patches of fluff) on the ground, it’s a fledgling (bird tween) who is currently working on flying 101 homework, which is normal and fine. Hanging out on the ground is part of the learning to fly process! If it looks like it’s in immediate danger (i.e. of being run over, stepped on, or eaten by a cat or dog), the best thing you can do for it is to gently scoop it up and place it in the low branches of a nearby tree or shrub, and then LEAVE. The parents are likely nearby watching, and will return once the coast is clear. If it flutter-hops away from you and you can’t catch it, then don’t worry! It just successfully avoided a predator (you), and therefore can probably continue to do so. LEAVE BABY ALONE!!!

DO NOT: Try to feed it, bring it into your house or car, or take it to your local domestic animal vet or shelter. 

I got scared and started listing colors and objects

You should not let your dog free-roam. You should not force your dog to accept touch. You should very heavily supervise interactions with children, and with certain dogs, these interactions may never be safe. You must learn to read canine body language. And if a veterinary professional recommends a muzzle or sedatives for vet visits, take these recommendations seriously.

“But I care about my dog more than people” this is in your dog’s best interest. If they maim or kill a person, especially a child, they will be euthanized. You do not want lose them in that traumatic way, ending their life and ruining your own (and those of others) in the process. You do not want to be responsible for the loss of a human life.

Every dog, no matter how sweet, should be muzzle-trained in case they ever need to wear one. Pain and fear can make them act out of character. And if your dog has aggressive tendencies, especially with humans, seek out professional help and take measures to protect both your dog and people.

Signed,

If your pet has a surgery, and is sent home with a "cone of shame"... LEAVE THE FUCKING CONE ON.

We did not put that cone on to torment your pet. We put that cone on so that your pet's insides stay inside. Yes, I know they're running into things and look very very sad. I am not being heartless when I say "I don't care. The cone stays on." I'm trying to keep your pet safe.

We've had 5 different clients take the cone off "for just a minute" in the last 2 weeks. One incision we were able to restaple. One we knocked out to resuture, which the owner had to pay for. Two we are currently managing as open wounds because the owners took the cone off a second time.... and one had to go to emergency to have her guts put back into her body after they were dragging on the bottom of the crate ("but it seemed uncomfortable to sleep in...")

In the VERY VERY RARE occasion that you need to temporarily take the cone off for the pet to eat or drink properly you must be actively staring at your pet the whole time the cone is off. Not just in the same room. Not on your phone. Not cooking. Not "turned around for a moment". Actively staring like you're a little kid who just found the most fascinating bug to ever cross your path.