ShifterCat

Twice in my youth (once in high school and once in college) I was in situations where I was asking someone out and I could tell they were calculating in their heads the risks of rejecting me, and both times I said, out loud, "you can say no, I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't prepared for either answer." And then they said no. This wasn't some spark of special wisdom I had - I knew to do it because feminist conversations among my age group brought it up regularly. This isn't happening nearly enough anymore.

More recently, I was really glad when we got to "rejection sensitive dysphoria" in my IOP program and it was one of those symptoms where the therapists really emphasized how it affects others. Because it does.

If you accidentally find out someone is queer, what do you do? 

You didn’t mean to snoop but you overheard a conversation that wasn’t meant for your ears, or they forgot to close a tab on a shared device, or a third person told you behind their back - no matter how it happened, you now know something they didn’t tell you. How do you act in this situation? 

This question was asked to me recently, and I think it both has a clear simple answer and a lot of nuance. 

If we break it down to its bare bones, the situation is really just „I know someone’s secret, what do I do“ - and the answer to that is a clear „Nothing“. You do nothing with secret information that you obtained by accident. It was never yours in the first place! You are definitely not entitled to share it with anyone else (that part is hopefully obvious) and I’d also argue you don’t tell the person. 

The reason for that is simple: They didn’t tell you that information themselves - so there’s no indication that they currently wish to talk to you about this. It’s safest to assume they don’t want you to know. That doesn’t necessarily translate to „they don’t trust you“ or anything like that. They may need more time. They may not feel ready to tell anyone yet. They may want to explore their feelings without other input for now. They might just not want to talk about it. Take no personal offense, but assume that it’s not up for conversation as of now. 

If you had a painful time in the closet yourself, it’s natural that you might feel a desire to „save“ others. But it’s generally best to not make any unfounded assumptions on why someone is in the closet. Real people aren’t fictional characters, we shouldn’t assign them dramatic backstories. Do not automatically assume they are struggling with self-acceptance or need to be „rescued“ in any way. There’s a big difference between „They are depressed and lonely and don’t have anyone to help them“ and „They just prefer to not share this with me“ - do not conclude the former from the latter. 

That’s the clear answer - and here’s the nuance: 

Safety comes first. The way you found out matters here. If (for example) you found out because a third person has forwarded you a private coming out message or shared intimate pictures they sent them, then disregard everything I said above. Do assume that this is a potential safety risk for them and tell them (in a gentle and private conversation). Outing someone behind their back can be dangerous, they deserve to be made aware that this is happening. 

On the complete opposite end of „the way you found out matters“: if your friend never told you she’s a lesbian but puts up a small lesbian pride flag pin on her backpack, you do not need to pretend you don’t see it. Still do not automatically assume anything (she could just be an ally!) but consider that some people never come out in words. It’s okay to go „Cool pin!“ and leave it up to her if she wants to take the chance to say something. 

Same goes if your coworker never said „I am gay“ but puts up a wedding picture of him and another man on his desk. Some relationships (especially more superficial ones, like coworkers) do not require a coming out in the sense of sitting you down and going „I need to tell you something“. Obviously still don’t go around introducing him as your gay coworker to every customer now (that’d be inappropriate and overstepping) but it’d be silly to treat it as a deep dark secret here. You can safely assume that it’d be fine to say „What a beautiful picture“ in a small-talky way. 

What if it’s not quite as obvious as a pride flag or wedding picture but you feel like someone keeps dropping hints to gauge your reaction? You feel like they left that tab open on purpose to see if you’d say anything, you feel like maybe they wanted you to overhear that private phone call because they don’t know how else to tell you… that can be a tricky situation because firstly, you could still be wrong and secondly, it’s easy to overshoot your reaction. You’ll want to assure them you’re a safe person without scaring them off. Suddenly going on and on about how being gay is okay may have the opposite effect you want. Do not forcibly steer the conversation towards homosexuality if it doesn’t go there naturally, do not go „Is there anything you want to tell me?“ as that may put them on the spot. The safest approach is usually light and gentle: consider what would’ve made you feel safer back when you were in the closet. It can be something as simple as putting your own pride flag pin on your backpack or casually mentioning you’ll go to Pride this year! 

In any situation, the key is that you can’t „unlock“ a coming out. You don’t go investigate and you don’t pry that door open  for them specifically - all you can do is gently signal that you’re a supportive, trustworthy person, so if anyone did want to come out, they wouldn’t have to do emotional acrobatics to figure out whether you’re safe first.

With all my love, 

However, it's almost 100 years old, and there are other treatments out there that work better. We aren't using 100 year old medicines for cancer, or pneumonia, or even arthritis, so why is the court MANDATING 100 year old treatments for addiction? (Why aren't there enough spaces in modern treatment facilities also?)

Over fifty years of data show a peak in PFAS (also known as "forever chemicals") content in seabird eggs in the 90s, followed by a decrease as regulations went into effect. The most recent findings show a 70% decrease of most common PFAS.

We are making genuine progress! Producers are dramatically altering how much they use PFAS and how much gets released in effluent, but also there's a lot better understanding of how to remove PFAS from the environment!

Sometimes I make posts to try

to bait haiku-bot

"“Just remember you’re not alone here.”

I never know what to say to that. I am actually alone in my head, and that’s where 90 plus percent of my problems are." (Network Effect ch13 64% through)

Peter Pan edited by Anne Hiebert Alton (2011)

(sorry to interrupt joke post but) this is true!

Children not clapping did happen too, (and some were even expected to have hissed, which was later written into the 1928 playscript and 1911 novel). But my all time favourite anecdote about it is from Pauline Chase (who played Peter)'s intro to Peter Pan's Post Bag 1909:

Children love to clap their hands at the play because then they feel that they are really part of it, and you can see them holding their hands poised ready to seize an opportunity. Their great chance is when I ask them to clap their hands if they believe in fairies, and so save Tink's life. But they are very wrathful if any one claps who has the reputation of being a cynic, and once there was quite an uproar in the front row of the dress circle because of a girl who clapped. Those about her pulled down her arms angrily. "How dare you clap," they cried, "when you know you don't believe in fairies!" There was one dreadfully hard-hearted little boy who came to the theatre not to clap. That was his object for coming, and he came round "behind" to tell me so in the middle of the play. His teeth were firm set. "I won't clap," he said doggedly; "I'm not going to clap." And when the time came he didn't clap; above the clapping of all the others I could hear him shouting from a box, "Peter, I'm not clapping."

"Because the decision rests entirely on the Montana Constitution, it is insulated from the U.S. Supreme Court. Under the principle of adequate and independent state grounds, the federal Supreme Court cannot review a state court's interpretation of its own constitution, so long as that constitution provides more protection than the federal one. [...] What this means in practice is that Montana's transgender residents now have a constitutional shield completely independent of the Supreme Court of the United State’s decisions."

their (live!) young gestate for. wait for it. eight to eighteen (??) YEARS. can have up to 10 at a time. good grief.

longest lifespan of any vertebrate, up to five hundred years

toxic flesh

has giant eyes but is usually blind because of a weird little crustacean that's evolved to live on and eat their eyes. this doesn't seem to bother them much.

lives in deep cold water and has the lowest swim speed and tail-beat frequency for its size across all fish species. just generally lives life in extreme slow motion

largest genome of any shark

eats everything including moose and polar bears