Less Than Three

***Update/correction***

ok. i just talked to my Kuya. the guy was an employee who was upset about how he was treated by Ate Loida. the guy came in and started attacking Ate Loida with a machete. Nat told a lot of other people run into rooms and lock the doors. One of the other ladies yelled to Nat to use the chair. Nat used the chair to try to protect Ate Loida who had already been slashed dozens of times. In using the chair and trying to defend himself he was cut across the back of his head a few times. At one point he grabbed the machete across the blade to try to stop the man, and he the man pulled the blade slicing open Nat's hand. One of the barangay officials called the police and they shot the man three times. The man is in custody but alive. Nat is ok and out of surgery. At Noemi's mom is still frail and shaken. Ate Loida was dead on arrival.

----------------------------------------

Yeah it's been month hasn't it?  Reasons a plenty yet excuses nonetheless.  

A run down of the last few months, a hellish semester.  Not that any one thing made it bad, it's just you have 3 classes at ATS, 3 online classes, language school 3 times a week, 2 internships, ministry, and try fitting in a social life, family time, and personal time..and you soon realize there just isn't enough time in a day.  

Last month I spent 12 days in Thailand.  It was because of my tourist visa which requires me to leave before a year is up, to which I can ultimately return and start the process all over again for another year.  But I also decided to use that time as a time of relaxation and rejuvenation.  And it worked.

To some degree.

I'm not sure what it is really.  But since I've been back things have been different.  Is it just post vacation slump?  It's been two and a half weeks already.  Maybe it is, it was like this when I got home from Semester at Sea, and that was going home to Danville.  Imagine coming back to an urban poor lifestyle?  The contrast is obviously much greater.  

Maybe part of it is that it finally put one of my greatest concerns in the spotlight. I have a passion for travelling, and let's be honest urban poor ministry isn't really a lifestyle that lets you explore new places around the world.  It's always been a struggle mentally to reconcile one of my greatest passions, and my current calling. They are so at odds with each other and in many ways they were finally held up next to each in comparison.   And to be honest Thailand/travel was pretty shiny and Philippines/ministry was a bit lackluster.  

I'm not really sure what it is.  I love the people, I love what I'm learning and doing. But I seem to have lost a happiness in regards to really enjoying the Philippines itself as a place.  

No this isn't some big crisis for me.  It's been a long running issue that has finally been put in the spotlight.

In other news I am swamped with homework this month.  Playing catch up everyday it seems.  But I know I can do it, ADHD, distractions and whatnot aside.

In regards to ministry, there have been a few bumps in the road.  Josh and I question the commitment of the mentors, rather we challenged them.  There are a number of behaviors that are common in Filipino culture that I think hold the Philippines back and it's what I began to see in the Mentors.  Not being on time, being permissive but not keeping others accountable, not showing dedication and commitment.

I've wanted to address these things for some time now, but I didn't want to cross a cultural line. I didn't want to be too confrontational.  But Josh assured me it would be ok, and more than that, they are leaders, they need to be learning and to be challenged.  

I think the biggest challenge is to teach them to keep each other accountable.  That's something I will have to keep working on with them.

So my room is almost 100 percent finished. By American standards I’m living in a dump.   People would wonder how one can live the way I am.  But here, I’m living well.   Our place isn’t big.  It is a main room with a bedroom that’s probably 14 feet by 6.5 feet.  I was sharing a bed with the eldest son in the room and everyone else was sleeping on the ground outside.  Bless their hearts, but kuya and Ate know I need more privacy for homework and just as a person.  They sold the bed to pay for construction materials and Kuya’s brother set up a plywood dividing wall, in the bedroom creating two bedrooms and then made me a door, as well as an almost complete dresser built into the wall. That is what the 100 percent is waiting on, the finishing of the dresser.  I sleep on puzzle piece mats, about a center meter or so thick.  The kind you might find at a preschool.  So basically, I sleep on the floor. I have two pillows which is twice what everyone else in the family has.  But I now have a 6.f by 6 foot room to myself. I have an electric fan, and two bins with my clothes, books, various odds and ends, my various technology and other miscellaneous things.  It’s home now. I have a home here.  A handful of days ago I was awoken by a cockroach crawling on me.  Not a great way to wake up, let me tell you. Albeit it wasn’t the first time this has happened.  Before I only worried about roaches that were flying, since well on the ground they did’nt bother since I was sleeping on a raised bed.  But now since I sleep on the ground all roaches bother me haha. 

How do I explain how tough it is to live like this? I can’t really. I look at my family here and I have it great. I look outside and I have it amazing.  Don’t get me wrong, I would kill for a hot shower, a toilet seat, air-condition, consistently running water, to not have to smell animal feces when I go outside.  But really, my life isn’t bad here. It’s different. But it’s not bad. It’s well not exactly but pretty much opposite of my life in California.  Who would’ve imagine a kid who grew up in Danville living in such a situation amongst the urban poor of the Philippines.  I wrote a while ago about how God speaks to me.  Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m changing enough, mostly because I don’t hear God’s voice loudly telling me what to do. Like I haven’t been transformed enough by being here.  But I know God has brought me here for a reason.  And although I’m still amidst that unfolding, I am blessed to be here.  God has shown me great love. Sacrifice.  What it means to be family.  What it means to be in community.  We’ve comes o far in America, but yet we lose community. Real community.  But that is how God created us. He intended us to be in fellowship.  It wasn’t the Tuesday night fellowship, it was daily fellowship.  And that is present here. And it’s beautiful. 

Sometimes in home group or in church there is a time to share blessings, or to give thanks to the Lord.  Sometimes Kuya mentions me. I don’t know what to say. I really have no clue. I sit there, trying not to draw attention to myself, looking away from Kuya.  Because I’m not sure I’ve really done anything.  In reality. They have been a blessing to me. 

My spiritual disciplines haven’t been all that great. Maybe it’s because will all that’s going on when I do get time to myself all I want to do is veg out.  I mean I know there is no real excuse.  And they are excuses mind you.  But it still stands.  But where I am seeing god is in my relationships.  I’m seeing him bless my relationships here.  And I’m so thankful.  I’m finally really making connections here in my community.  Growing closer to my family.  And of course I’ve always had my expat friends.

More than that I feel…well ok.  Let me preface.  Putting side the stress and overwhelming nature of a busy schedule I feel at peace here.  I’m not always happy. I mean miss pickup basketball in the parks, or bouldering, or random road trips or for that matter just a tasty burger, BUT I’m at peace. 

I’m not sure I have what it talks thought to really change this community. I have ideas, but I’ve always been more of a thinker than an initiator.  I have the vision but not the go-do-it attitude.

But I will say this God is moving in LRC.  Slowly. Or rather it feels to slow to me. But have never been known for my gift of patience.  The mentoring program I started in CCY which is really a discipline program, or rather Discipleship Light program I started is finally taking over. Well I the official take off was a month and a half ago. Or something like that. But things are finally truly rolling. Everyone has met with their mentors.  But now it’s about guidance.  The problem is many of the mentors want to be guided on how to guide others.  But really I want to challenge them to create new things on their own, challenge themselves, to grow and stretch themselves. The goal is for me to be able to extricate myself and for this to keep moving on its own. I think it’s about time to start shifting responsibilities, and challenge others to lead some meetings.

But there are encouraging signs. Luke is really taking to this, asking how he can improve things, how he can challenge his mentees. He’s made it his own.  And it’s been beautiful. Others that I thought would be as effective are slower on the uptake but that’s ok, in God’s time right? And Josh is really excited as well.  He’s really dedicated to seeing this through.  Jun Jun while there are difficulties with a mentee of his, he has the heart to make sure things work out, and has the opportunity to really grow and himself and grow his mentee.  It’s beautiful really. Watching brothers and sisters foster other brothers and sisters. I don’t know why but God really just makes things clear to me. I’ve been asked a few times what to do when it comes to a mentee, and God has given me the wisdom to respond.  God is so good.  I’m hoping this program can last.  But it needs a fire from within. And that’s difficult when some of the mentors feel the task is quite difficult. But that’s part of this, to stretch the mentors themselves. But to also, empower, enable and encourage them.  Filipino culture is so malnourished by colonialism, it’s left them weak and incapable in a number of ways. Leadership is of those ways. But the Filipino spirits is so strong. So very strong. And I know they can overcome it, it will just take time. But in some ways time is my enemy.  But maybe I’m letting my fears for this program bother me, instead of giving it all up into God’s hands.

I know God will do with it as He wills. But I think there can be many blessing from this.  But I’m not sure I’m doing enough.  Maybe I am? I don’t know. I really don’t.  give me a sign God? Haha.  But seriously, I’m blessed to be among these brothers and sisters who care about others and that are looking to serve.  That’s, all I can ask for. <3

Ok, so new years is over.  And I really should’ve gotten to this sooner. Anyways new years was everything it was cracked up to be. Whereas Christmas underwhelming, New Years was quite the opposite.  Even before midnight there were fireworks going off everywhere. Mind you these weren’t the type that make big flashy explosions high into the air. Don’t get me wrong, there were those, but they are also quite expensive.  But everywhere you turned there was a firecracker going off.  For a few hours all you could hear was the popping sounds of explosions, and even the flashes of light outlining the rooftops. 

It was glorious. And a bit dangerous to say the least.  I toured the neighborhood again with Kuya, who really understands what it means to show a guest around.  He never forgets that I want to learn and experience.  That being said we toured the neighborhood to see what this day was all about.  I had actually be talking to Liezl, a cute girl who is part of CCY on facebook and she mentioned that she was going to be doing videoke later that night at Shay’s house.  So I was invited along.  After my tour, and some food at about 1am in the morning. I met Liezl at church and grabbed Luke along the way. I was at Shay’s until 3:30am laughing, talking and singing karaoke. And yes, even I sang. I sang three songs as duets with Luke.  Because, well, let’s be honest, I can’t carry a tune if my life depended on it.  But at least I can pull of a fun duet.  It was fun. I felt at home, I felt like I was part of the group, and it felt magical because of that. 

The next day I went to church, though I left early to meet with Marian, someone my dad knows.  She brought over a package from my parents and so I met with her and her family for lunch in Chinatown.  It was my first time there and it was lovely.  Despite every Chinatown looking different, there is this feel in the atmosphere that ties them all together. When you’re there, you know you’re in a Chinatown. I can’t really explain it, but it felt familiar to some degree. I actually got there early not wanting to get lost or to be late, which gave me ample time to stroll around.  I heard drums which drew me whither.  I sat for ten minutes just listening.  I felt at peace.  It was rhythmic drumming that goes with a Chinese lion dance. And I knew it’s sounds, and for that reason I just felt at home.

It was a great lunch, with fun people.  Actually it’s been 7 months since I had Chinese food, and I actually realized I missed it a little. Who would’ve thought I would miss such a thing? Not i. that’s for sure.

Sadly and alarmingly so, I heard there was a funeral in our area.  Someone was shot in the head, a mother actually.  She was shot by a sumpak, a homemade gun on new year’s, because new years can get riotous and out of hand considering all the drinking going on.  That, really reminds me how dangerous life among the poor can be. More than that it reminds me I can never let my guard down. But then again, I’ve learned that lesson only a month or two ago.

Almost a new year.  Man.   It’s like, I haven’t really grown up.  I know in the back of my head I’m just racking up debt that means I will have to probably sell myself out to ‘the man’ at some inevitable point in my future.  But as for now, I still live the carefree life of a student, yet in a country where everything is cheaper.  It’s the holidays so I treated myself to a thai massage yesterday for 6 bucks.  Especially now during my Christmas break where classes at ATS and APU stop I feel it more than ever.

I feel like I’m not growing up.  I’m stuck in this state of…hmmm…I don’t even know.  A lot of people here well among the youth thing I’m just a jokster. And it’s true I can be pretty silly. Many don’t know I have a serious, deep and thoughtful side.  But for me it’s hard to show that side when language barriers prevent me from fully expressing myself in a manner I’d prefer.  It’s when I’m around the youth, and my inner child is running around free that I feel a bit at odds within myself.  I can’t tell if I need to grow out of it, or if that’s just who I am.

Hmph, none of these thoughts are really organized are they? On that note…continuing on…it’s weird to think I’m one quarter of the way there. But to what? I know to getting a masters degree, but beyond that?  I’m not really sure. I’m not sure what my actual calling is. I just…I’m along for the ride? Or so it seems at this point. Which might not be the most reassuring to admit.

Ok. So the Lakers won a second time in a row. There IS a God! ;)  but seriously.  The lakers are more stressful to me than school and my family. I know that’s probably a sign I have bad organized priorities, but it still remains. That being said I’m starting to breathe a little easier now.

Also the kids are so obnoxious and it gets on my nerves more each day.  Pao pao is complaining that he wants Kuya to buy him a new guitar.  He’s twelve, I think he’s old enough to understand that kuya is suspended from work for one month.  That means no money is coming in.  what a self centered brat. I was twelve and I was never like that.  Twelve is old enough to be aware of some of the bigger picture, but all he cares about is himself, and he takes no notice of those around him. It angrifies me to no end.

Last but not least. I had my best and favorite basketball experience yet tonight.  Why? Because there was ball movement.  I played with Luke who knows what it means to play as a team.  I like everyone at the church, but certain players don’t know how to move the ball. The ball stops with them.  Because they are good they always get the ball, and it’s the same play every time, drive and shoot, sometimes they pass out if they are overwhelmed. It’s boring and repetitive.  Tonight I was not with such players, so we moved the ball a lot.  We used the post, and the key a lot.

So. It’s Christmas eve. After all the talk of Christmas here, I’m a bit underwhelmed. For many, as I walk around the community, it looks as if it’s a normal night. Whilere there are more people drinking, Christmas lights out,f or many it just looks like an average night. Not to say there aren’t special things going on for Christmas. There are carolers almost every ten minutes…singing the same song as the last group of carolers.  There are a number of parties going on, but as a whole it’s a bit understated.  But apparently the big thing is Noche Buena.  There is a midnight meal to celebrate Christmas.

I cooked something that was supposed to be like carbonara. It ended up a failure in my book. It will suffice for the family I suppose. I was using a non non-stick pan, all metal cooking implements and a stove that had high and low, no real medium. At first I added too much salt, so then I kep diluting it.  But Kuya made too much pasta so basically there wasn’t enough sauce. So then I made more sauce, but I didn’t make a strong enough roux and it was ultra watery.  It kind of evened out in the end. But it wasn’t great. I used milk instead of cream. And I didn’t have all the ingredients I would’ve liked.  Sadly I’m not sure they’ll like it. They won’t complain, but it may not be to their exact liking. Sigh. I have no excuses. Next time I just need to be more careful.  But seriously I’m pretty disappointed in myself.

This is also my first Christmas away from my family. This is the first time I really miss things back home.  Christmas is probably the only holiday where my family has traditions I actually enjoy. That being said the lack of said traditions ae making themselves apparent. 

May god bring great new things in this new year. What, I’m not sure.  I know that there is a long raod ahead of me. And despite my desires and wants it may not turn out as I’d choose it to be.  But I know god will be using me as I know he’s already begun a beautiful ork within me.  But at times I just feel so irrelevant, so unsuccessful, so out of touch.  I feel weak at times. 

I don’t appear that way, but I feel that way.  It’s the same old issue, I’m half missionary half student, but you can’t be half of either. 

So I preached for the first time two nights ago.

  Ok. Scratch that. It’s been four days now. Oops.

  My message was fine. Since it was the last CCY worship night of the year, there was an expectation of a Christmas message. So I delivered. But I didn’t want to give the whole, remember the reason for the season, let’s retell the nativity.  Instead I emphasized what was important was not the birth itself but what it meant. It meant that our savior had come. It meant we were to be freed from the bondage of sin.  my theme was breaking the bondage of sin.  and then I brought up not abusing God’s grace.  This is exactly new ground I was breaking. But I want to emphasize that we need to remember we are now free, and we should live in that grace and freedom, shedding sin and remembering that the his sacrifice should be remembered just as much as his birth.

But Filipino crowds are different than American crowds. I’ve already observed in church that people are ok with talking while the pastor is talking. So imagine what it’s like with youth.  Combine that with the fact there is a language barrier, since I spoke in English and read some of my message in tagalog. It wasn’t the smoothest thing I’ve ever done.  It was hard to manage the crowd. I was happy enough with my message. But I felt it was a disappointing experience for me. I want more. I want better. Not in a selfish way. I just, I know things could’ve gone better and I want to hopefully get through to people, not for my sake but for the Lord’s. 

his is just getting sad. It’s getting to be too long between entries. I really need to be better about this.

Tonight was an experience. Tonight I accompanied the youth around to a a handful of churchmembers’ houses as they went caroling. It was fun, it was energetic. I tend to lose myself among the big crowd of youth. It’s something to do with the fact that I cherish intimate relationships. More than that though there is a very immature streak in the youth here. More than that when in groups their humor becomes a bit more biting. I’m not sure why. I think ti’s because I’m not one of them, but I’m part of their lives. I can’t really explain it yet. One on one they can be endearing and even kind hearted. Though there remains some who are kind always, Julorie, labelie, Pinky, Luke, Josh and a few others. But before we left, they practice. I looked over the song list. And it hit me. How beautiful, how simply beautiful Christmas songs can be:

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O hear the angels' voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

The image of falling to one’s knees, humbled and awed by the birth of Christ. Angels declaring the birth of our savior, and all we can do is be filled with joy, so overcome that we lie slack upon the ground. How beautiful is that news? That birth? How beautiful is it that our savior is born? And if we knew that he was our savior, we could naught else but fall to our knees. But you know what the beautiful part is? His grace. His birth brought us to our knees, and His grace has brought us to our feet.