So my room is almost 100 percent finished. By American standards I’m living in a dump.   People would wonder how one can live the way I am.  But here, I’m living well.   Our place isn’t big.  It is a main room with a bedroom that’s probably 14 feet by 6.5 feet.  I was sharing a bed with the eldest son in the room and everyone else was sleeping on the ground outside.  Bless their hearts, but kuya and Ate know I need more privacy for homework and just as a person.  They sold the bed to pay for construction materials and Kuya’s brother set up a plywood dividing wall, in the bedroom creating two bedrooms and then made me a door, as well as an almost complete dresser built into the wall. That is what the 100 percent is waiting on, the finishing of the dresser.  I sleep on puzzle piece mats, about a center meter or so thick.  The kind you might find at a preschool.  So basically, I sleep on the floor. I have two pillows which is twice what everyone else in the family has.  But I now have a 6.f by 6 foot room to myself. I have an electric fan, and two bins with my clothes, books, various odds and ends, my various technology and other miscellaneous things.  It’s home now. I have a home here.  A handful of days ago I was awoken by a cockroach crawling on me.  Not a great way to wake up, let me tell you. Albeit it wasn’t the first time this has happened.  Before I only worried about roaches that were flying, since well on the ground they did’nt bother since I was sleeping on a raised bed.  But now since I sleep on the ground all roaches bother me haha. 

How do I explain how tough it is to live like this? I can’t really. I look at my family here and I have it great. I look outside and I have it amazing.  Don’t get me wrong, I would kill for a hot shower, a toilet seat, air-condition, consistently running water, to not have to smell animal feces when I go outside.  But really, my life isn’t bad here. It’s different. But it’s not bad. It’s well not exactly but pretty much opposite of my life in California.  Who would’ve imagine a kid who grew up in Danville living in such a situation amongst the urban poor of the Philippines.  I wrote a while ago about how God speaks to me.  Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m changing enough, mostly because I don’t hear God’s voice loudly telling me what to do. Like I haven’t been transformed enough by being here.  But I know God has brought me here for a reason.  And although I’m still amidst that unfolding, I am blessed to be here.  God has shown me great love. Sacrifice.  What it means to be family.  What it means to be in community.  We’ve comes o far in America, but yet we lose community. Real community.  But that is how God created us. He intended us to be in fellowship.  It wasn’t the Tuesday night fellowship, it was daily fellowship.  And that is present here. And it’s beautiful. 

Sometimes in home group or in church there is a time to share blessings, or to give thanks to the Lord.  Sometimes Kuya mentions me. I don’t know what to say. I really have no clue. I sit there, trying not to draw attention to myself, looking away from Kuya.  Because I’m not sure I’ve really done anything.  In reality. They have been a blessing to me. 

My spiritual disciplines haven’t been all that great. Maybe it’s because will all that’s going on when I do get time to myself all I want to do is veg out.  I mean I know there is no real excuse.  And they are excuses mind you.  But it still stands.  But where I am seeing god is in my relationships.  I’m seeing him bless my relationships here.  And I’m so thankful.  I’m finally really making connections here in my community.  Growing closer to my family.  And of course I’ve always had my expat friends.

More than that I feel…well ok.  Let me preface.  Putting side the stress and overwhelming nature of a busy schedule I feel at peace here.  I’m not always happy. I mean miss pickup basketball in the parks, or bouldering, or random road trips or for that matter just a tasty burger, BUT I’m at peace. 

I’m not sure I have what it talks thought to really change this community. I have ideas, but I’ve always been more of a thinker than an initiator.  I have the vision but not the go-do-it attitude.

But I will say this God is moving in LRC.  Slowly. Or rather it feels to slow to me. But have never been known for my gift of patience.  The mentoring program I started in CCY which is really a discipline program, or rather Discipleship Light program I started is finally taking over. Well I the official take off was a month and a half ago. Or something like that. But things are finally truly rolling. Everyone has met with their mentors.  But now it’s about guidance.  The problem is many of the mentors want to be guided on how to guide others.  But really I want to challenge them to create new things on their own, challenge themselves, to grow and stretch themselves. The goal is for me to be able to extricate myself and for this to keep moving on its own. I think it’s about time to start shifting responsibilities, and challenge others to lead some meetings.

But there are encouraging signs. Luke is really taking to this, asking how he can improve things, how he can challenge his mentees. He’s made it his own.  And it’s been beautiful. Others that I thought would be as effective are slower on the uptake but that’s ok, in God’s time right? And Josh is really excited as well.  He’s really dedicated to seeing this through.  Jun Jun while there are difficulties with a mentee of his, he has the heart to make sure things work out, and has the opportunity to really grow and himself and grow his mentee.  It’s beautiful really. Watching brothers and sisters foster other brothers and sisters. I don’t know why but God really just makes things clear to me. I’ve been asked a few times what to do when it comes to a mentee, and God has given me the wisdom to respond.  God is so good.  I’m hoping this program can last.  But it needs a fire from within. And that’s difficult when some of the mentors feel the task is quite difficult. But that’s part of this, to stretch the mentors themselves. But to also, empower, enable and encourage them.  Filipino culture is so malnourished by colonialism, it’s left them weak and incapable in a number of ways. Leadership is of those ways. But the Filipino spirits is so strong. So very strong. And I know they can overcome it, it will just take time. But in some ways time is my enemy.  But maybe I’m letting my fears for this program bother me, instead of giving it all up into God’s hands.

I know God will do with it as He wills. But I think there can be many blessing from this.  But I’m not sure I’m doing enough.  Maybe I am? I don’t know. I really don’t.  give me a sign God? Haha.  But seriously, I’m blessed to be among these brothers and sisters who care about others and that are looking to serve.  That’s, all I can ask for. <3

Almost a new year.  Man.   It’s like, I haven’t really grown up.  I know in the back of my head I’m just racking up debt that means I will have to probably sell myself out to ‘the man’ at some inevitable point in my future.  But as for now, I still live the carefree life of a student, yet in a country where everything is cheaper.  It’s the holidays so I treated myself to a thai massage yesterday for 6 bucks.  Especially now during my Christmas break where classes at ATS and APU stop I feel it more than ever.

I feel like I’m not growing up.  I’m stuck in this state of…hmmm…I don’t even know.  A lot of people here well among the youth thing I’m just a jokster. And it’s true I can be pretty silly. Many don’t know I have a serious, deep and thoughtful side.  But for me it’s hard to show that side when language barriers prevent me from fully expressing myself in a manner I’d prefer.  It’s when I’m around the youth, and my inner child is running around free that I feel a bit at odds within myself.  I can’t tell if I need to grow out of it, or if that’s just who I am.

Hmph, none of these thoughts are really organized are they? On that note…continuing on…it’s weird to think I’m one quarter of the way there. But to what? I know to getting a masters degree, but beyond that?  I’m not really sure. I’m not sure what my actual calling is. I just…I’m along for the ride? Or so it seems at this point. Which might not be the most reassuring to admit.

Ok. So the Lakers won a second time in a row. There IS a God! ;)  but seriously.  The lakers are more stressful to me than school and my family. I know that’s probably a sign I have bad organized priorities, but it still remains. That being said I’m starting to breathe a little easier now.

Also the kids are so obnoxious and it gets on my nerves more each day.  Pao pao is complaining that he wants Kuya to buy him a new guitar.  He’s twelve, I think he’s old enough to understand that kuya is suspended from work for one month.  That means no money is coming in.  what a self centered brat. I was twelve and I was never like that.  Twelve is old enough to be aware of some of the bigger picture, but all he cares about is himself, and he takes no notice of those around him. It angrifies me to no end.

Last but not least. I had my best and favorite basketball experience yet tonight.  Why? Because there was ball movement.  I played with Luke who knows what it means to play as a team.  I like everyone at the church, but certain players don’t know how to move the ball. The ball stops with them.  Because they are good they always get the ball, and it’s the same play every time, drive and shoot, sometimes they pass out if they are overwhelmed. It’s boring and repetitive.  Tonight I was not with such players, so we moved the ball a lot.  We used the post, and the key a lot.

his is just getting sad. It’s getting to be too long between entries. I really need to be better about this.

Tonight was an experience. Tonight I accompanied the youth around to a a handful of churchmembers’ houses as they went caroling. It was fun, it was energetic. I tend to lose myself among the big crowd of youth. It’s something to do with the fact that I cherish intimate relationships. More than that though there is a very immature streak in the youth here. More than that when in groups their humor becomes a bit more biting. I’m not sure why. I think ti’s because I’m not one of them, but I’m part of their lives. I can’t really explain it yet. One on one they can be endearing and even kind hearted. Though there remains some who are kind always, Julorie, labelie, Pinky, Luke, Josh and a few others. But before we left, they practice. I looked over the song list. And it hit me. How beautiful, how simply beautiful Christmas songs can be:

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O hear the angels' voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

The image of falling to one’s knees, humbled and awed by the birth of Christ. Angels declaring the birth of our savior, and all we can do is be filled with joy, so overcome that we lie slack upon the ground. How beautiful is that news? That birth? How beautiful is it that our savior is born? And if we knew that he was our savior, we could naught else but fall to our knees. But you know what the beautiful part is? His grace. His birth brought us to our knees, and His grace has brought us to our feet.

I sometimes think that some things happen because God has a great sense of humor.  More than that, because he knows which of us has a sense of humor as well.  When cultural mishaps happen I can’t help but laugh, if you don’t laugh you just get angry.

Today was another morning of rushing around.  I woke up late to a text from Pastor Dong saying there was MMP worship this morning.  So I woke up just after 8:30 and ate a quick almusal/breakfast and then rushed to the jeepney stop

So I flag one down and get in.  I quickly realize this jeepney had just come out of jeepney rehab.  Though the floor was still scuffed and there was but little paint remaining, the rest of the jeepney was newly painted.  The seats were new and the plastic cover over them equally as new.  There was even a padded area for you to lean your had back against which I have never seen in a jeepney before.  I thought to myself: this is nice. I could get used to this.  Here’s hoping that I ride this jeepney again on this route.  This is a good jeepney to be riding on a long jeepney ride. 

About a third of the way there and it’s me and one other guy in the back…and then the other guy gets off at the stoplight.  The driver turns to me and hands me back my fare.  He wants to go on a smoke break with his friends.  Sigh.  Really? Haha. 

Thankfully there was another Project 2 3 right next to us at the stoplight. So I hop in.  About another third of the way the jeepney takes a right turn. Uhhh…

My usual route is straight.  This is not good.  Right when I notice this a guy says ‘para’ and the jeepney stops and he gets off.  But before I have the presence of mind to get off the jeepney myself it takes off again.

So one thing here is that people have this weird aversion to walking.  Third world right, so that’s highly unexpected.  Someone will yell ‘para,’ get off the jeepney and 15 feet later someone else will yell ‘para.’  And everytime I think…uhhh, you couldn’t possibly just get off 15 feet earlier? Haha

So this kind of bugs me, or rather it makes me laugh as it’s cultural paradigm of sorts.  But I’m not like that.  I’ll walk.  So in what is probably an arrogant desire to not be like that I decide, nope I’m going to ride at least 200 feet before I yell ‘para.’ Haha. I know, I can’t believe I’m that stubborn.  So anyways, I get off and walk in the other direction 185 feet more than I needed to.  I take a right turn to get back on Kamias.  But I don’t usually watch the street so I’m not sure if Kamias is the right street.  But I figure maybe if I walk I will find where I want to go.

Long story short it was the right road.  I got to MMP a few minutes later hot and sweaty but safe and sound.  To me I feel like this morning was just because of my own hubris and because God has a sense of humor.  I mean already two jeepney stories to tell.  But God knows me well enough that while He’s laughing so am I.

Instead of normal class we had a culture class today which was good.  But one thing of note that stood out to me is that people will get in fights here because they think you are arrogant or snooty.  Confidence here can come off as arrogance.  Whereas American men are trained to be confident as we are told that women find confidence HIGHLY attractive, here it is a bad thing. 

Also people who look up, or make eye contact or don’t smile enough may come off snooty.  Or rather it doesn’t show humility.  Funny because I was totally called out yesterday.  Ate Ann walked by me yesterday and was like, “Brandon you look so serious!’

I hadn’t even noticed. But when I do give it some thought, I realize my ‘thinking’ face is totally serious and not all that friendly. Haha.  And I tend to think a lot when I’m walking by myself.  Oops!

Two things of note from today…

I now have appointments to start my interviews with MMP pastors next week, two of them in fact, one with Ate Flor and the other with Pastor Sunny.  I’m exited and very nervous.  This being my first big venture of this kind I’m quite intimidated and I feel like I’m not up for the task…

Ok.  Today just makes me laugh.  Like there was good and there was bad.  But at the end of the day it’s just too much work to be unhappy. 

So I get up early and had breakfast. And instead of going to KS I used the internet from the privacy of my own room.  Score!  Actually when given the option I think I want to go to KS anyways, to build relationships with the teachers and to get away from the house. 

Anyways I left early and went to SM North Edsa mall to study and to perhaps purchase a ukuelele.  So random fact.  I once impulse bought a ukulele online at 3am.  Yet somehow I had the presence of mind to actually research the different types.  So despite my ‘educated’ purchase I still maintain it was an impulse buy.  Something in me wanted to try using some of spare time to ACTUALLY learn to play not to pretend at playing as I did in the States; though my free time is never as substantial as I imagine it to be. 

After buying a uke and tuner for about 34 bucks USD I head to Teriyaki Boy for lunch and to study my Tagalog. 

Anyways, after class Trent invited me to see Transformers 3 with him and three of his friends.  I gave Harrie a holler and we all headed to Trinoma after class.  We quickly head over and bought tickets for the 7:50 showing and then head back to Trent’s place to drop off our bags and grab sweatshirts.  The theaters here notoriously freezing and all have reserved seating. 

So we hurry back and grab some Taco Bell and bring it into the theater.  The FIRST Mexican food while over here and boy was it delicious!  So we watch the movie…

And for the first time I actually enjoyed a Transformers movie.  Despite the over made up girl, which made her look like a tramp, the movie was highly entertaining and likeable.  The girl had a good character and even Shia Lebouf wasn’t bad.  The fact that I said his name shows how much I didn’t hate the movie!  Haha.  Lebouf in French means ‘the beef’ and shia in isiZulu means ‘to hit’  so…usally I just refer to him as ‘hit the beef.’  Despite the nature of Michael Bay to disregard things like plot as if they are yesterdays’ garbage, this movie definitely left me feeling happy…

…until I got down the escalator on the way out.  My wallet was no longer in my pocket.  Not like it matters but it was either lost or stolen.  But the nature of this place is that even if it was just lost, it wouldn’t be returned to the theater  staff.  After looking around the theater to no avail I went back to Trent’s place to use his internet to get in touch with my dad so I could cancel my credit cards.  Check and check.

As inconvenient as it was to lose my wallet, I’m not all that bothered. It happens.  And technology makes replacing things rather easy these days.  And something like this is bound to happen.  Better sooner than later right?

So when things like this happen I’m not sure whether it’s God saying, ‘Brandon I want you to learn blah blah blah,’ or me telling myself, ‘I should probably learn something from this, otherwise then I just got screwed for nothing.’  Either way it occurred to me maybe this was a good thing. 

While I haven’t been fiscally irresponsible here, I also haven’t been fiscally responsible.  I haven’t been spending lavishly or wildly.  But I have been going out with friends which adds up.  I have to remember why I’m here. To learn from and be with the urban poor.  Maybe part of that is realizing the restrictions that the urban poor live with. 

Maybe the loss of my wallet is a reminder that just because I’m not irresponsible it doesn’t mean I’m responsible.  I find that Americans tend to believe that if we aren’t one thing, we are another.  So since I’m not irresponsible than I MUST be responsible.  But life isn’t that simple,  most things have grey areas and sliding scales.  I need to be responsible with my money here; on a personal level, as a steward of God’s blessings, and a missionary among the poor.

More than that, why is it that we only focus on being responsible after we find ourselves living wildly irresponsibly.  Should we not focus on being responsible at all times, not just as a response to finding ourselves in a bad or sinful place? 

It IS a work in progress...but still this was quite a spectacular failure.  At the time I thought of it I had all this words in my head...but when it came to write it all done they all seemed to escape me :(

A- Ako, ate, ATS

B-Barangay, babae, botocan, bicol

C-City hall,

D-diyos

E-EDSA

F-Fairview

G-Guapo

H- His name 

I

J- jeepney

K- king Solomon,

L- Luzon, LRC

M- manila, Mindanao, mayon volcano, MMP

N- natulog,

O

P- peso, po

Q- quezon city

R- Rizal

S- Servant Partners, salamat

T

U

V- visayas

W

X

Y

Today was highly satisfactory.  Not that it was anything special.  But it was a good day.  I thought I was going to fall asleep during church.  But I somehow managed to stay mostly awake.  I was afraid I would have to convince someone that I was ‘praying’ the entire service.  Haha.  After church I was invited to have lunch with Pastor Jun and company.

And then after lunch I went to SM North Edsa with Kuya Raffy to get my usb internet dongle checked out.  It works finally! Not that it’s fast or even completely consistent.  But it is something.  I still might try buying a smart usb thought that’s another 2000 pesos.  The thought of faster internet is enticing…specially if and when I need to do research.

I decided to head over to KS to read one of the theology books I had brought with me.  Let me just tell you, Moltmann is an easier read than Barth.  Thank God.  I opened Barth and I think I had a nosebleed.  They say that here. A Lot.  It refers to when Filipinos are trying to speak or understand English.  The fact that it is so difficult or confusing goes to their head and gives them a ‘nosebleed.’  Anyways, instead of actually getting any reading done I had a short chat with Pastor Bong.  He gave me a Tagalog bible so that I could start learning and comparing it to the English bible.  And then I had a short theological chat with Alex and Ronald.

Dinner was manok inasal, or grilled chicken.  There was also chicken intestines.  That one is growing on me.  I’ve yet to commit as much to Balot at this point.

I feel more at home here I think.  Maybe that’s it.  As I’ve been here a month and people have come to accept me as part of their community I feel at peace here.  Not that things are perfect. Oh no.  The language barrier still exists and prevents any deep relationships from forming at this point.  But I’m hopeful that as I continue my language studies things will get better in that area.

During lunch I was asked about America.  Somehow politics came up.  And that is one area I can rant about for a long while.  I can say this with much certainty.  Jesus Christ today would not be a republican.  He wouldn’t be a liberal either.  But definitely not a republic.  But I want to see how other urban poor view American politics.  Specifically how other urban poor Christians view the ‘christians’ of America, politically speaking that is.  Something I want to spend some time exploring here.

Francis Chan would often speak at APU chapel.  But the only thing I really remember him saying is this:  most people don’t want to know God’s plan for their lives.  Because if they do that means they have to give things up, to make changes and sacrifices.  What have I given up?  What changes am I making?  What have I sacrificed?  Am I sacrificing?

I think it’s not enough to give one part of my life to God.  I do that.  We do that.  The western world does that.  We make bargains, we make compromises.  We tell ourselves it’s ok if we just do this,  we’ll be fine if we give some of our lives to God.  But that’s not enough.  How do I give everything to Him?  I gave Him these two years of my life.  But it’s not enough to say that I’ve done everything I could for Him.  Because I haven’t. 

I know.  I’ve committed to a year of singleness. My family is far away. My closest friends are just as far.  I sweat all the time.  My face always feels greasy here.  I share a bed with a 12 year old that rolls and kicks in his sleep.  I am getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.  I’m living in something that is just above a slum. 

But it’s not enough.  I’ve continued to hold in reserve my heart. Truly.  I don’t know how to give it to Him.  All of it.  I’ve spent so many years keeping it protected. So much so that when in relationships I didn’t know how to reciprocate love let alone accept love.    

I walk from KS to our house.  Passing through two alley ways  and one courtyard.  In that courtyard clothes hang to dry, low enough to graze your face as you pass by.  The cement ground is cracked and in pieces.  Water flows in these cracks, pooling in low lying areas.  As you pass through there is always someone washing clothes.  Cats fill the alley and courtyard looking for any scrap of food to appease what I imagine is endless hunger.  You can see the sewer beneath you in some places as the sewer follows the alleyways and walkways.  Cemented ‘grates’ cover parts of the sewer, but many of those grates have fallen apart with time, so as you cross over them precariously you can see water flowing beneath you.  A smell that is too much to really accurately portray in words fills the area.  No area smells exactly like another.  Ten steps further and the combination of smells changes.  But imagine the acrid smell of pee, dog poop, mildew and cigarette smoke fight with the smell of fresh laundry.   By American regards a slum of the worst proportions.  But Tatalon is better than a squatter settlement.  Somehow all this is normal to me now. 

But how in a place like this can I learn to fully give my life to God?  I don’t know.

I am oft filled with hope that is rivaled by a sense of despair.  There is much here that I imagine only to worsen with time.  But I believe God can do great things here.  But I came here to be a do-er.  Instead I find myself a learner.  Being a learner is harder than I thought.   The more I learn about this place the more hopeless I become.  The more I learn about the people the more hope I have for a future where God is in control of Tatalon.