the world’s soggiest spreadsheet

they hate me because i'm silly and so intense at the same time

Your heart is not true enough to enter the gates of Margaritaville

Perfect shoes for when you need to shit in the club

me:*fills a water gun with printer ink* me:i dont even need a wii u to have fun

if you bought a 16ml cartridge of ink at $18, and a 2500ml nerf super soaker barrage at $15.99, it would cost about $2,828.49 to fill it with ink once

Guy eating pussy but he's got one of those Bluetooth earpieces on and on the other end is a lesbian instructing him how to do it.

Happy Moon Landing Eve! Remember to leave out milk and cookies for Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong, and don’t let Michael Collins convince you to prank NASA!

If Tumblr is still here next July 19th, I fully expect this post to obliterate my activity feed.

ublock origin is not enough i need advertisers to feel physical pain

With No-ublock, you can flood advertisers’ sites with their own ads.

Oh it doesn’t, I’m just lying for attention. Wish it was true, though!

fucking the everything bagel for everything

everything? including war?

fucking the war bagel for war

kinda bullshit the English language doesn't have a discrete word for an unlit campfire. you light a campfire, but what is it before you light it? also a campfire, I guess. I need to invent a word that can be intuitively understood as "the arrangement of wood that is intended to become a campfire"

well "an arrangement of wood that is intended to become a campfire" sounds like it's just a bundle of sticks and I think there is a collective word for that maybe

Genuinely evil and dark-sided to put the periods between the letters in "milf" and "dilf." Like what is M.I.L.F. that is a supervillain organization composed entirely of cougars. Whoa that's a great idea actually post canceled hold on

Trace amounts of Monica in my life

A statistically insignificant level of Monica in my life

My life manufactured in a facility that also processes Monica

Burger queen divorced him