out cryptid hunting with the boys

“Where do you see yourself in five years” is kind of an odd question for a job interview now that I think about it. Like idk. Having a job? You could give one to me right now.

people should be allowed to have low ambition, and also be able to feed a family on the salary of a cashier at a convenience store.

“can you explain this gap in your employment?” why sure! I was not employed at that time.

my foolproof rule for befriending straight boys is that they simply have to be more muppet than they are man. it has not failed me yet

ᓚᘏᗢ 𖤣𖥧 <- cat sniffing flowers

the postal service names their shit exactly like how a 16 y.o. names angsty fanfic

Explain.

the thing that really cheeses my cake about flies getting in my house is they clearly don't want to be there anyway. like at least the ants trying to steal cereal from my pantry had a goal and a plan. you are just here because you're too stupid to use a window twice

btw its time to get your flu shot for the year if you havent yet. theres also a new covid vaccine rolling out in the US but because RFK wants people dead, insurance coverage/eligibility is very slim, you may need to be prepared for a bill or to see your doctor about it. but still dont let the season go without getting your vaccines if possible ok thanks

perish the thought, dude. *playfully pushes you by the shoulder* haha, like, cease these peculiarities. *becomes extremely violent and starts hitting you with heavy fists without provocation* disabuse that fucking notion

you have a disgusting storytelling addiction

It’s true. It goes back a long way, too. It all started when…

love when cats hear that you've woken up even just a little bit and they're like hiiiiiii oh my god oh my god!!!!! i wrote some poems in the night let me recite them for you. this one is called: screaming and knocking your water bottle off your nightstand

to catch a bus you have to think like a bus

its always been surprisingly effective to look at someone being an asshole online and respond with "this is an obvious troll/ragebait" . because if youre right then youve just called them out accurately and you can move on with your life. and if youre wrong then you still kinda win because nothing gets someones goat quite like than having their argument dismissed. like sorry dude you sound so cartoonishly evil that i have assumed youre simply faking it to get a reaction. i dont believe you believe this. no normal person thinks this way. bye.