I have no idea what I'm doing.

I am terrified for my future. For some reason, some god forsaken reason, gun control is not something that is happening in the United States right now. Instead, in the wake of YET ANOTHER school shooting, there are people pushing for eductors to be issued guns. I don't want a gun. I don't want to feel like I need one. I want to feel safe in my profession. I want my future students to feel safe going to school. I want to nurture musicality and growth in an environment that doesn't need military grade protection. I am so proud of the survivors of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School for taking such a traumatic experience and using their pain and anger to push for change. They don't want thoughts and prayers, they want change. They want for this to never happen again. Like normal people. I did not sign up to be a soldier, I signed up to be a teacher.

I leave you with this real gif of me and Congress.

I am a future educator and I am heartbroken. The shooting in Florida really shook me, as I'm sure most people. I do not want to need a gun in my classroom, I don't like that that even seems to be an option in people's minds. We need to fix whatever it is that broke so badly in our society that school shootings are a norm.

When I heard the news of the shooting this morning, I felt the familiar sting behind my eyes and my throat got tight. Then I read that 17 people were killed and the tears started to fall. I can not imagine the pain of those families and the heartbreak in that community. In any community that a tragedy like this has occurred, of which there are far too many.

Tonight I read of the two Eagle Regimen members who were included in the students killed. Alex and Gina. Two high school freshman. A trombonist and a member of the gaurd. THEY WERE 14. I won't lie, I lost it. My roommate sobbed with me. My heart aches for these children, barely beginning in life, cut so short by needless and stupid violence.

Today, I cried. I cried for the loss of so many innocent lives. I cried for the state of our country. I cried for the parents that just lost a child. I cried for the families of the teachers that were lost. I cried for the entire band community, grieving two of our music family. I cried for every educator walking into a school today wondering if today is the day they'll need to protect the lives of their students. I cried in fear of my own future.

It's that wonderful time of the year again when I'm reminded that I am alone: Valentine's day. The day that rubs everyone's love in your face. While I would normally go about being my bitter self on this day of fake social media happiness, I decided on a different route this year. This morning, as I got ready for the day, I told myself that I'd spend the day finding reasons that it's good I'm single.

Often I find myself feeling down as I reminisce about the good times in past relationships, pity myself, or just simply wish there was a man in my life. I've heard the, "you need to be happy by yourself first," and the, "a man won't give you happiness," and I know that. I just don't think I've really ever believed it. Somewhere deep in my my mind I always equated happiness with the stereotypical, social norm, romantic love. Not only is that untrue, but it's not good for my self esteem or mental health either. I don't need a significant other to determine my happiness or self worth.

The first moment I flipped was when I thought back to a past boyfriend and a particularly fond memory of a laid back Saturday lunch date. At first I felt sad. A little that we didn't work out, but more so that we weren't a part of each other's lives anymore. Then I remembered all the things that he couldn't give me and that I couldn't give him in a partnership. If we would have stayed together, we both would have been unhappy. We may not be in each other's lives now, and that's okay. Healing takes time. Maybe not the most positive spin, but still oddly uplifting.

I also thought about how even on apps like tinder, I can't seem to find a date. As I swiped through I realized, I almost never swiped right. When someone does message me, I get bored easily. It's hard to get a date when you're a serial non-responder... and also you don't want to go out with a guy you can't keep a conversation with. My positive light on this was that I refuse to lower my bar. There are things that I want in a relationship, things I need to be happy and secure. I can't garentee that I'll get those things in a date from a flimsy hook up app. I deleted tinder. It was weirdly empowering.

I thought about how I'd rather be single than with someone that isn't who I'm meant to be with. I just need to be patient (which I'm horrible at) and enjoy this time figuring out myself. Mold myself into the best version of me, the me I want to be in the future: as a teacher, as a mom, as a human.

Lastly, I reflected on my 'aloness' over a cocktail and a few episodes of Bob's Burgers. Except I wasn't alone. I was with my roommates, two people that I love dearly. I remembered the text from my dad this morning wishing me a happy Valentine's day and telling me he loved me. I thought about the rest of my family, my pets, my friends. Maybe I don't have any romance this Valentine's day, but that's okay, I have an abundance of love.

Friends are supposed to build you up. Instead, many of my "friends" tend to make me feel like absolute shit. Don't invite me to group things, purposefully leave me out. For gods sake, even when I already KNOW about something they go out of their way to make sure that I feel uncomfortable being there so I just don't go. These are the people I used to think were my closest friends. Now I'm beginning to truly see how toxic it is. I'm angry and I'm hurt. I want to scream and yell and cuss them out for being shitty friends and mean people. I want to tear into them with a righteousness unparalleled in this world. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? My emotions have been FLAYED. Yet again.

But I won't do any of that.

I can't.

I, as a human, am extremely empathetic. Knowing I may hurt them, I cannot do any of this. So, I'll continue to be hurt. Sit on my bed, alone, writing sad blog posts while they all hang out. It's okay, I know I'm annoying. I'm strictly a "school friend." I'm not a hang out with on the weekend friend. I'm the embodiment of baggage. No one wants to be stuck with me.

Yesterday I found out that a close friend and ex boyfriend of mine had shared deeply personal and embarrassing information about me to our mutual friends. At first I felt angry, because I thought that it had happened after we had broken up, that he was being dumb. Then I was told it happened while we were still together. That one night, he thought it would be funny to tell other people something that had happened in an intimate moment between the two of us. I wasn't angry anymore. I was mortified and felt completely vulnerable. Not even when we were together did I matter, the trust I kept in him was baseless. I kept thinking about how we have been trying to be friends again, but it wasn't 'we' that was putting in the work, it was just me. That he kept saying he cared about my feelings, about me, but how he never proved it. I just kept mulling that he had hurt me again, that I had let him hurt me again. Then it hit me that he wasn't the only one there, making jokes. It was my entire friend group, hanging out together, without me, talking about me. Laughing at me. It broke my heart.