#letsbehappi

Genuinely, I am worried that maybe the world is ending. Or that we have over used everything and we are grinding to a halt. Surely there are just too many people ? Or maybe too many in certain age groups making that demographic bloated ?

We aren’t progressing. Roads and building are left to disintegrate. Those in need are left to struggle and those who shout the loudest take all the spoils. There is trash EVERYWHERE and none of us are responsible for it. I’m surprised the Earth hasn’t fallen through space from the weight of it all. We use and discard and then do it again. The companies that make all this indestructible plastic crap have no intention of balancing the eco scales.

I can’t see how it gets better, can’t picture how we can manage a full 180 in time to save the planet. I can’t see how anyone who could help is doing anything aside from trying to make money.

We are set up to fail. We have to work all the hours we can to keep the lights on, so it’s easier to buy the pre packed food wrapped in plastic as we are too tired to make the same meal from scratch. The retailers know this. They aren’t going to stop selling a sure thing even if it’s not good for the environment.

So again, it seems an impossible loop to escape. We all want to have fun, happy lives but how, when we are trapped on a relentless treadmill just to survive.

So what does actually matter to people ? I have no fucking clue. They are so wrapped up in image and social media and they next new thing. Getting paid so they can get drunk. Not that I blame them, work is incredibly depressing. Something else that has never changed no matter how many positive posters get put up in the office. Creating a permanent feeling in us that we just aren’t good enough…… so we turn to whatever quick fix makes us feel better in the moment…… and the cycle starts again.

It’s not my fault she has left everything to the last minute.

It’s not for me to sort out any of these issues.

I am not responsible for her.

I am not responsible for her happiness.

If her fiancé doesn’t show up that’s not my fault.

If she doesn’t get to go on honeymoon that’s not my fault.

I tried my best to support and offer good advice and practical help. I was there when others weren’t. I’ve put what I want on hold for 18months to help her plan this wedding.

I have done enough. More than enough. I have done so much I now resent her and the wedding. I am so involved that I have no excitement left for the day. I am dreading it all, dreading problems as I will be looked to for a fix. But that’s not my responsibility! I didn’t choose this expensive and impractical wedding. I didn’t choose to marry a man who loves gaming more than anything else. I didn’t push to have my wedding during a pandemic.

I am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness but my own. I will show up and do what I have to do, and then I will walk away. I should not feel guilty for putting myself first. It’s ok for me to put myself, my life, my relationship first.

She is not my priority. She should not be my priority. I am not responsible for her or her happiness. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER OR HER HAPPINESS.

I owe it to myself to calm down and stop stressing. I need to look after myself. She isn’t thinking about what I need so why am I thinking about what she needs? Why have I been putting her first? Because I am maid of honour? Because I know her other friends are unreliable? Or because I have an innate desire to help and save people. Because I can’t leave well enough alone. Because I like to meddle in other peoples business.

My work laptop showed up today so next week I need to do actual work, which is stressing me out. After a year of not working, I am out of practise and resent the chains of working hours. Also I still need to do everything I was doing before, all the housework and so forth, whilst doing a full time job and not being too tired to be a good girlfriend.

So I suppose the stress is self imposed from all my expectations and the pressure I put on myself. None of these rules actually exist. There are no deadlines or finish lines. It will all turn out ok in the end.

Which I wish my heartbroken friend could believe, instead of wanting to harm herself. I can support but only she can save herself, you have to save yourself. You have to choose yourself, again and again, over and over.

So I shall try and choose to be calm and not beat myself up. It’s ok if it’s not perfect. I will be ok. The sky is not falling, it’s just a passing cloud.

I want to scream. It’s not ok. This pandemic snowflake world is not ok. This lacklustre government is not ok. Losing my job was not ok. Not being able to see my mom is not ok.

Is this a shared nightmare? When the fuck are we going to wake up? Where is the end?? Can anyone see any light?