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Every person needs to take one day away. A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future. Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence. Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for. Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I don’t worry about getting a job… I’ll figure that part out… I do worry if I’ll be able to make new friends this summer and after when I move. As I’ll no longer be in university… and be in a new city.
I mean I’ll be able to hangout somewhat often with my other friends around the bay… but like… how do I make friends in Santa Cruz once I move here???
I’m not exactly a social butterfly… more like an asthmatic moth.
Sidney Watkins felt that on her best days, she was adequate. She would rarely feel comfortable in her own skin, her own body.
Sure, she was beautiful; she knew what was attractive about herself: her glowing, dark-skinned, heart-shaped lips and dazzling smile. She had curves that were sensual enough to crave and caress, but at times, too much, she would recoil at the feeling.
She felt that she was slim but not slim enough.
She was suck she stomach in, and a bubbling anger would surface when she would breathe out, seeing the difference.
A huge difference in her eyes.
An inch felt like a heap of weight, and yet it was enough to make her feel lesser than.
And then there was her fucking dysmenorrhea: the medical term for painful menstrual periods or severe period cramps...
It would make her stomach drop at the thought of her next period. Even at a young age, it made her fearful of the pain, the lack of appetite and even her bed rotting until she got through those rough couple of days.
It was all internal, which meant she couldn't see or control it.
Not really.
So it drove her to always take one extra painkiller, binge on snacks and food that would make her feel like a pig the next day, as well as wish that she would pass out from the extreme pain that neither a heating pad or electric panic could solve.
Years of hating her body didn't stop.
Because in her junior year at college, she would discover at the emergency room, with the help of her adoring boyfriend and friends, that she had been misdiagnosed.
And what she really had was Endometriosis.
Where uterine tissue growing outside her uterus.
Great.
Sure, it felt like validation, but it was just another issue.
Another problem.
Another condition.
And with that, she had chosen the combined pill as her pain management. She was grateful because years of agony morphed into partial recovery.
But that fucking pill was making her put on weight; she was sure of it.
Sidney grew up feeling chubby in places she despised and were routinely called out by her uncle who never knew how to watch his tongue.
And so she worked on her weight; she went to the gym three times a week between her classes and seeing her friends.
She would feel guilty for indulging in snacks and food.
She stuck to her meals, breakfast lunch and dinner and would supress the urge to throw up whenever she felt like she ate too much.
Because she never wanted to cross that line.
She never wanted to feel lower than she already did.
Because she felt deep down, she’d never stop.
A one-time thing was only a gateway into something much more dangerous, and her mind was plenty dangerous in the best of times.
And what was worse, she felt that Logan knew.
At times, Trinity would make comments, “You deserve to treat yourself. Have another slice of pizza.” It was encouraging, and she meant well. But at other times it felt like taunts.
But never as bad as whenever Logan would stare at her, noticing the way she would wrap her arms around her stomach, and squeeze like she wanted to burst.
He caught how Sidney would never eat much in a group setting unless she felt like it was a standard portion or was on her period — the cause of most of her anguish, and yet the only time she felt somewhat safe in her desires.
He naturally would notice when she would change her hair parting even if it’s an inch to the left, or when she her body scrub was slightly stronger. She would joke that it’s because his big eyes make the rest of his senses stronger.
But he knew better.
So when she didn't dare take a bit out of the apple pie that Tucker made, he couldn't stop himself.
"What's going on?"
Logan's question made her look up from her phone, seeing him standing at the foot of her bed, with his hand son his sides and concern tugging at his face.
"Huh?"
"You're not eating."
She tensed, then dragged her gaze to her empty wrappers next to her.
"I'm was literally just eating," She quietly replied.
"That's snacking."
"It's the same thing." She reasoned, swallowing the dread in her throat, wanting to look back at her phone, but his unwavering stare made it all bubble up and toss her phone to the side. "What?"
"I thought we said no secrets." Logan carefully stepped around the bed and sat on the side.
His worry made her shift to sit up, tuck her feet, and push the wrappers away.
"Yeah, yeah, and there are no secrets."
Sidney tried very hard to convince him, but her tone wavered and her eyes glossed over.
Logan's lips curved downward.
He frowned, not because she was lying, but because he should've been the one she felt safe enough to come to if she needed to talk.
"Listen, I'm here okay."
His tone was so soft it made her chest rise and fall and expression crumble.
"Don't. Don't do this, okay? I'm fine."
"I just noticed some things."
"Well, stop," She snapped, but he sadly smiled.
"You can't tell me that. You just can't. I'm your boyfriend, and I love you, and I know when something is up, more than usual. And you can trust me, you can trust me with anything. This is not me starting an argument; I just thought we could talk. But if you don't want to, then I'll drop it."
She rapidly nodded, "Okay."
"For now."
Logan kissed her forehead, making her heart clench.
He was so kind.
So tender.
She didn't deserve it.
She knew she didn't.
Sidney shuffled further back, avoiding locking eyes with him, choosing the comfort of her pillows to his toned arms.
Logan waited patiently, when her mouth opened and closed a few times.
Finally, she quietly asked, “I’ve put weight, haven’t I?”
Logan's face dropped. “What? No.”
“I knew when I started taking the pill it was a possibility." Sidney had read over the side effects multiple times. The words flashed through her eyes every day, at the same time she took the pill and washed it down, harshly gulping the water. "Weight gain over pain was my compromise, and I think I’ve put on weight. I must’ve.”
Logan quickly denied, “You look as healthy as you did before. Just as great as you did before.”
“But I don’t, though." She muttered, still looking away from him and fumbling with her hands. "I can see it. My stomach isn’t as flat as it was before.”
“I don't get why you’d think that.”
“It’s there." Sidney desperately needed him to understand, but she caught his head shaking in her teary peripheral vision. "I see it when I look sideways or when I’m lying down. You must feel it when you’re holding or hugging me.”
“No. I don’t," Logan whispered, reaching out to her, but she hastily shuffled back, tugging at the ache in his chest.
Sidney tentatively peeked at him when she said accusingly, “You said no more secrets and that involves being honest.”
“I also said to trust me, that you can trust me, and I’m telling you you haven’t put on weight. And even if you did —“ Logan winced when her lip trembled. “I wouldn’t care because you’d still look beautiful.”
She rolled her eyes so hard that they hurt. “I’m not concerned with looking beautiful; I need to remain thin.”
Regret washed over her like a wave, and she scrambled forward, hoping he would take it to heart.
“I mean slim. Not thin. I meant slim," she urged, searching his face for an understanding, but Logan looked troubled.
Logan's stomach churned, and his heart felt as if dropped like a pendulum.
Never could he imagine that his girlfriend, his gorgeous and smart girlfriend, could be feeling so rotten, and it was all festering like a disease that could be concealed with a smile or laughter.
It made him feel shit because he never noticed it before.
“Come here.” The pleading edge to Logan's voice made her choke back a sob.
Sidney sniffled, “I didn’t mean it.”
“Come here.”
Slowly she crawled, then slid into his lap, breaking down at his tight embrace.
“I need you to know that what you’re seeing in the mirror is amazing even if you’re not seeing it right now.” He said carefully, as if it wasn't;t breaking his heart. "All those perfect imperfections are what make you, you. But if this is how you feel, then we'll just work on it," the words almost didn't come out of his mouth; they were like tar on his tongue. "I’m here for you. We’re on the same team." He kissed the side of her head. "Even if you don’t wanna talk, I’m not gonna let you beat yourself down. I won’t. You can ramble, and you can rant, but I won’t sit by and watch you deteriorate.” Tears rimmed his eyes when she cried, “I’m here, baby. Always.”
Sidney clung to him.
“This is just a work in progress.” Logan gritted out against her head. "Just a work in progress."
a/n:
I've made little hints to sidney's BDD. I didn't wanna make it too obvious, because she would conceal it well enough that others wouldn't notice, but Logan does. I’ll keep exploring it more in different one-shots.
also any requests you guys have make sure it's about the stories I write.
