i don’t think that ilya thinks he’s reckless. he thinks he has it all under control. driving over the speed limit is fine when he does it because he never goes THAT fast (idiot fast and ilya fast are two different speeds) and he’s a very good driver with excellent reflexes. he can keep a secret forever. he can fuck his coach’s son. he can fuck his arch rival. he knows exactly how much alcohol/intimacy/gambling/etc he can handle. he knows when to cut himself off. he knows how to calm his father down. alexei says “$20k by tomorrow morning” when ilya is 18 and alone in a strange country and he finds a way to make that happen. ilya is good at trouble. in ilya’s mind being reckless means getting into more trouble than you can handle, reckless people wade out of their depth and then let panic get the better of them. ilya thinks his brother is very reckless, for example. but he sees himself as very capable because he doesn’t freak out. he’s able to let the fear and adrenaline wash over him and still land on his feet. he’s not reckless he’s an experienced Situation Handler and a lot of scary things are objectively funny in hindsight. anyway this mentality carries him allllll the way through his twenties until he’s telling shane the funny story of the time he got followed home a few years ago in boston and ended up taking the guy’s knife (he still has it! haha. crazy) and shane’s eyes get suspiciously glassy and he says “he had a knife?” in a voice that means they are absolutely having an argument over this

i love you ilya rozanov herding shane like cattle. i love you ilya rozanov circling shane like prey. i love you ilya rozanov backing him into walls and on top of counters and carrying him to the bed and guiding him to his knees and yanking him around by the chin and getting right in his face and shoving him onto the bed and straddling him and holding him down by the wrists. go where i tell you. hands where i put them. eyes on me.

fuuuck I could use a mysterious benefactor right now