ivel

we had a small house party a few weeks ago and she introduced me to an old friend of hers she hadn't seen in years. we had many things in common so she invited me to a gay tv show (not saying which one idk privacy i guess lol) themed event last night, as I was the only one there who had watched it. then this girl invited everyone else who was at the party too, I think she didn't want to make anyone feel left out.

I honestly really wanted to go, the idea seemed fun and also anything that has gay stuff in it gets me running lmao I'm THIRSTY for euphoria. so I IMMEDIATELY said yes!!! but...I didn't want my friend to come at all. first of all, she hasn't seen the show, second, she isn't the kind of person that goes to nightclubs, she usually just can't wait to leave basically, and most importantly, we've already talked about her slight hidden homophobia/transphobia. I really didn't want her to invade that space, it would have made me terribly uncomfortable.

so I had to be selfish. I had to make sure she didn't come. I know, it's bad, but I want to meet new people as myself, and if she's around me, thinking of me as someone I'm not, talking about me like I'm someone else, I can't enjoy anything. it might be a me problem, but this specific themed night just wasn't for her. also I just want to experience stuff by myself???? she was involved from the start just because she's a mutual friend. I might have just gone anyways or with someone else if this girl didn't invite me.

so I tried to play it out the best way I could. in the two weeks we had to prepare, she didn't ask me if I was going, she didn't say she wanted to go. she basically just forgot about it completely, and I just thought she let it go. but I still wanted to tell her that I was going, just to be clear. so I did...6 hours before the event. yes it's late but she still had all the time to come if she wanted to! she replied hours later saying 'I would have come too if I'd known'. turns out she actually knew because the girl that invited us did ask her if she wanted to come, but she said no. she didn't tell her I was going too but still.

I had a lot of fun! but I'm afraid I might have been too rude...I don't think I should have had to resort to this tbh. I think she should have just refrained from coming since she didn't know anything about the show and just let me go by myself. I kinda like hanging out with her sometimes but if it's something she doesn't know anything about why should I bring her with me? I want to do things on my own too. but at the same time this was her friend I was hanging out with...

I've been thinking that a lot of my worries about coming out are related to one friend in particular that I have. I must have talked about her already, how she wants me to be girly and 'mischaracterizes' me all the time. she's not phobic but...you know. one of those people that love gays only when they go to the club, that support lgbtq+ rights but 'trans people in bathrooms are a complicated matter', and so on. her boyfriend is also a massive asshole that uses slurs and she doesn't say anything.

first of all, I've stopped hanging out with her boyfriend's friends. she used to plan stuff with them all the time and it made me so uncomfortable as trans people were always a hot topic for them, showing their blatant homophobia/transphobia. now I'm avoiding her boyfriend too as much as I can.

I'm so sorry, really. she's a very nice girl, but I think nice isn't enough anymore. I feel uncomfortable most of the times I'm with her. she just wouldn't look at me the same if she knew I were trans. our relationship wouldn't work anymore because gender roles are very strict for her, and I don't think she would want to be such close friends with someone that isn't a girl. even less with a nonbinary masc person. and especially less with a transmasc person. any way I put it, it won't work. the only way for us to be friends is to have a girl-girl relationship, because that's what friendships look like to her: talking about make up, trying each others' clothes, saying how much boys suck. just once she suggested we went shopping in the male section and my heart grew so big...but then we shopped for her boyfriend, so nevermind. her friendships are only with girls and only revolve around girlish things. there's nothing wrong with that, but it's not the place for me. and the worst part is she doesn't even notice it.

actually, it feels like she doesn't want to notice it.

hell I've done everything. I don't wear skirts anymore, I don't wear crop tops and such anymore, I don't wear high heels, make up, she even saw my tape!!!!! I only wear boys' clothes, I don't shave my body hair anymore, get the hint for fuck's sake. not that I'm trans but at least that I'm not into your girl stuff.

but what a let down would it be for her to find out I'm not a girl? I think this is what trans guilt feels like. I've never experienced it, as I feel like I've always been pretty masc and 'neutral', even as a kid. my mum would not be that surprised if I told her I don't feel comfortable thinking of myself as a girl, because SHE SEES ME. my friend doesn't see me. she idealised me completely and everytime we're together I feel stuck in the box she made for me. I wish I could just change my pronouns on my social media without fearing a weird text message like 'hey, what are those things in your profile? why didn't you say anything to me? I'm your best friend!'...just for nothing to change later. just for her to see me as a quirky girl and keep treating me as...that.