Another Learning Experience

No matter how many times I check, and recheck, and remeasure and re check, I will get it wrong. fabric, wood, foam it doesn't really matter the material, if I have to cut it, I will have measured it wrong. I try to get it to be too big, because it's eaiser to trim something than splice some in, but please imagine how much wood I was cutting and trimming.

And I was doing this by myself, because I do mean the entire family. Medical problems and depression all around.

I was good, I'd asked for help, explained exactly the help I needed, and asked the best person in the house for it.

and of course she said yes. but my mother is very distractable, so she tends to move from task to task as she sees them. She is also has a problem with games like solitaire, or other simple puzzles. She will just loose a day, listening to commentary and playing solitaire.

I'd woken her up, said what I wanted to get done today, reminded her that she said she'd help, and went out to work on what I could, until my teleheath appointment came which is exactly as fun as it sounds. (how's it going? Weil my hands no longer shake so hard I cry, and I'm not unduly anxious, but I'm eating about one and a half meals a day because I'm just not usually hungry, and I'm exhausted all the time, but that's the CFIDS, I don't think a cpap will help me sleep better.)

anyhow, that ended out and I stopped crying, just in time to hear movement downstairs. ''AH!" I thought, my mother is moving, let's do it.

no. My sister had PT (see this year has SUCKED.)

So. I cried a little (I was kneeling in front of the door sobbing and shaking on my knees, where I had gone as they left.)

And went back to work. If I wasn't going to get help, t still needed to be done. I worked hard all afternoon, until mother came home with Kat after PT and a brief shopping trip. 'Didn't you want help with that?' uh yes, but you are exhausted from driving and shopping and the groceries need to get put away. I can't ask you to do it now.

So she starts doing that, and it takes a while. I don't know why it takes so long. Then she sits down and makes a sandwich to eat.

meanwhile, I am again alone ankle deep in poison ivy, saw dust, and metal dust.

I decide that I clearly have done something wrong, because no one actually helps me, ever. I'm just not important enough. I'm forgettable. I don't deserve it, or I would get it (See re: that psychologist appointment. I'm trying okay)

So I try to keep working, and I'm crying and then, I can almost hear my father's voice (He has been dead for over Twenty years now and I... okay, I'm gonna need a minute) So I practicly hear his voice and can plainly picture his smile and tostled mad scientist hair. What says of course is

'There's no crying in wood shop!' Like Tom Hanks in a League of their own. And then I got the image just as strong of him pulling me into a hug and holding me until I stopped crying.

well I can't hallucinate that hard, so I kept trying to smile at the sillnens and not cry, and then mother comes out and 'Didn't you want help?'

yes but it hasn't come.

So then she helps me with the last couple cuts. It surprises no one that when she measures, the numbers come out right, but it I say 'oh I think it's a little shorter' than that to boards are wrong. Again not allowed to measure stuff.

We finally stop because my power tools batteries need to be charged.

and then it started raining.