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Im enjoying the longevity of tumblrs recontextualization style of humor. a seemingly innocuous post followed by like "posts that a gnome would make" or like "are you a phone"

daddy has regretfully informed kitten that we need a dual income household to survive

"ingredients you can pronounce" i can pronounce anything

lets have phone sex over walkie talkies

“bend over” “bend what? over”

I hate this place

aw what the hell change my leitmotif to a minor key im not driving

It’s so unfair i don’t get to see where evolution will go in 50 million years

crab

Council of Nicea, 325 C.E.

"that's right, your majesty! You are in dire need of a new freezer... Do not concern yourself with the large cardboard container in which it shall be delivered! Just let your lowly advisor take care of that..."

Highly unlikely to be of use but I want a card I can carry in my wallet that says “If I Die First In A Traumatic Survival Scenario I Want You To Know I’m Okay With You Cannibalizing Me, It’s Fine, Don’t Be Weird And Guilty About it”. And then on the back there could be like. A list of recipes n shit

To be clear, I don’t WANT to be cannibalized. It’s not my personal preference. It’s just that if I beef it out in the open somewhere and some poor starving fuck has to have a crisis of ethics over using the protein or dying in a hole, I’d want to some way to let them know my dead ass is rooting for them

New Hot Take: I Think An Organ Donor Card Counts In A Pinch, Actually

When you're unsuccessfully looking for something and start gradually increasing your It Could Be There range. Like yeah sure maybe the rice cooker pot is in the freezer, idk

Dude my coworker left a scrumptious cookie unattended