My Vanilla Pop - projects and obsessions

Today, 10/20/2020 the Nigerian government sent the military to kill unarmed innocent civilians, a bloody massacre.

believes my packages are the “a football”

always fucking seething with rage

treat my driveway like a PVP combat zone

do not understand how rain works

UPS drivers:

better unionized

nice to my dogs

their 90’s uniforms with the khaki shorts and button-up reminded me of Steve Irwin so I just assumed they all benevolently wrestled crocodiles, which definitely shaped my sexuality

understand how rain works and make a small degree of effort to not place my packages where they will get soaked before I even get to the door

i love scientists

I have had the tremendous good fortune to know several mycologists, all of whom I would trust with my life and to help me hide a body should the occasion arise but not with a Ham Sandwich. A Short List of the bullshit I’ve seen the Mycologists do:

Went out on a late-summer mushrooming expidition with some as part of a class in scientific illustration to collect samples. The scandanavians are notorious about keeping thier family mushrooming grounds a secret but in order to go up with the mycologists, we all had to be blindflded for the better part of an hour in the car as we got close, and put our hands on a copy of All The Rain Promises And More because they didn’t think the Bible was “Serious Enough” and swear to keep any educated guesses we had about where we were a secret.  

I thought this was perhaps over-doing it a little, until Valerie (not her real name) waved me over to a patch of rather boring looking white mushrooms and told me, Quote:   “Now, when I was a young woman*, this was a more serious issue but should you ever find someone worthy of a slow, painful death, all you need is a sliver of these.  The first symptom is stomach cramps and by then it’s too late.  The toxin interferes with the body’s ability to translate DNA into protiens, and once it sets in, it’s irreversible.  He’ll be dead no more than five days later of liver failure.” “That’s fascinating Valerie. I will keep it in mind.” “You’re a smart G- No.  What’s the word. Thing that comes out at night**.  Anyway, I’m sure you can find your way back here.”

*for context, Valerie is old enough that when she was born, women couldn’t vote.  Sometimes, fools have the hubris to ask her what she thinks of the Good Old Days and she tells them that it’s so good that divorce and women’s rights has become a thing, instead of ‘having to beat a man to death and blame it on the poor mule” to get out of a bad marriage.

**Valerie also seems to have confused Nonbinary People with Nocturnal Animals, but she’s not wrong.

She was also entirely correct that I figured out where the mushrooming grounds are despite the blindfold but the book oath still holds.

Anyway, back to the Bullshit .

Valerie was 97 at the time of this expidition and still hoofing it p and down the side of a mountain to identify specimens.

The trouble with being out in the CO Mountains in late summer, and ESPECIALLY in a part of the mountains that has an awful lot of high-calorie tasty things like Chanterelles and Boltetes and Morels and Puffballs is that there are other things that enjoy all these lovely fungi as well

like Black Bears.

Hyperphagic and hyper-territorial Black Bears because it’s fucking october and they are trying to get fat AND laid.

Sure enough, we’d been up there a few hours when I hear a sort of shuffling from uphill and see a rather large bear ambling purposefully in our direction.  

He can undoubtedly smell us.  

He does not care.

There are Boletes to be had

“Uh.  Valerie.” I Interrupt her lecture on how to determine the likely age and spread of the underground fungal body of Boletes so you can tell if a patch will be there next year or not. “There’s a Bear.” She looks up to where I am pointing less than 100 feet away and shugs. “Well it’s his house first. So long as he stays over there it’s fine.” “Valerie I don’t think he’s staying there.” I say, considering if I can sprint back to the van while carrying her or if I’m going to have to file a death report with the police.

“What are you pointing at?” asks the Department Head.  She is not only Finnish, but has an actual doctorate in Mycology, and much, much more unhinged than Valerie is. 

“B e A R !” I say, trying to keep my voice down while conveying the appropriate sense of urgency about the fact that a 300lb and likely half-mad with hunger carnivore is headed towards his favorite mushroom patch and we are in the way.

My Department Head striaghtens up to her full 6′4″ and I swear, bristles her hair like a fucking Myazaki cartoon.

She makes a loud, harsh barking noise at it that I now recognize as the Finnish Profanity “PERKELE!” and slaps a ponderosa to show she means business.

The Bear

Stands

Up.

This is very definitely a Boar Black Bear and I’m doing a quick headcount so emergency services can bring up an appropriate number of body bags.

“Oh.” Says my Department Head. 

“It’s only a little one.”

It is at this point that I remember that she is from the North parts of Finland and she has a Polar Bear Skull in her office.

As I am realizing this, she storms directly towards the bear, continuing to curse it in Finnish, picks up a stick in one hand and a rock in the other and throws the latter in a rather elegant curveball that only misses the bear as he realizes the Mycologists are back and ducks, before hightailing it up the mountain.

“He’s only a little love, there was no need for that.” Pouts Valerie.

“He would have made a good rug.” Says my Department Head.

the debate on the ethics of hunting bears on foot with rocks continues until a third Mycologist, Ralph, Discovers an Elk Skull with Mushrooms blooming out of the bone.

“Ooooh!  Ossiphages!  This is a lovely find!”  Says Valerie, and we gather around to coo over the delicate gray caps growing along the elk’s rotted browridge.

the madness is contagious, apparently.

“Do you think your conciousness is transferred to that which consumes you after death?” Ralph asks.  

“I hope so.”  he continues like he has not just said something absurd and nightmarish. “Its so horribly noisy being an animal.  I’d live to be an ossiphage fungus.”

We all nod in agreement.   Something moves in a bush and several of us pick up rocks in case the bear has decided to make a career change into carpeting.

At one point Valerie takes a bite out of Boletus.

“Hm.  Good Specimen.  Needs some salt and butter.”  She nodded aprovingly. “Weren’t you just telling me we have to do a cut test to see if they’re poisonous or not?” I ask, as she had in fact, juct finished telling me that.

Valerie swallows, THEN looks down at the bite she’s taken out of it.

“Well it didn’t turn purple so I guess i get to live today.” She smiles, serenely.

The crux of his argument is that humans are self-referential feedback loops. We take in information from the world and incorporate it into how we react the next time we receive information. A whole section of Strange Loop is dedicated to Hofstadter’s concern with the memory of his late wife, Carol. She died suddenly and he was left wondering what parts of her, if any, can “survive” in his memory. And he eventually concluded that every human is a combination and response to all the other humans they’ve ever interacted with:

Oh heckin yes I do My amazon wishlist is literally like six pages long… ALL BOOKS

WARNING: This Is Going To Be Extremely Long!

First though I want to note that while I 100% understand your feelings about the Wicca stuff (being a very NOT Wiccan Witch), not all books that are Wicca leaning are bad! I’ve gotten loads of useful information from books that tended to be a little new agey. That’s where being objective comes in! With ANY book, you should take it with a grain of salt, and some with a whole shaker. But it’s up to you to pay attention to misinformation and conflation, and to know how to do research to prove or disprove that something in a book you read is true or not. Does that make sense?? 

Anywho, a couple of books that are still kind of “Wicca-y” but great:

Grimoire of the Green Witch

The Goodly Spellbook (This one is an INCREDIBLY AWESOME REFERENCE)

The Modern Guide To Witchcraft (Written By Skye Alexander who seems to mass produce books, so need some good fact checking here)

The Modern Witchcraft SpellBook (Written By Skye Alexander who seems to mass produce books, so need some good fact checking here)

The Witches Broom (LOTS OF SALT but good basic history)

The Witches Athame (LOTS OF SALT but good basic history)

The Witches Mirror (LOTS OF SALT but good basic history)

Cottage Witchery (This author is pretty good about keeping away but there’s still some slips)

Practical Protection Magick (This author is pretty good about keeping away but there’s still some slips)

The Big Book of Practical Spells (Written by Judika Illes, who did the Encyclopedia of 5,000 Spells; it’s a good book, but there’s too much Cultural appropriation for my taste. Tread Lightly, and bring that shaker I was talking about)

Those are all books from my personal collection that I would recommend! Now as for the Non-Wicca Books, Let’s dive in! Not all of these have I read or owned, and they are in no particular order. You’ll notice most of them relate to “Traditional Witchcraft” or West Country, because that is where my practice is focused. 

The Tradition of Household Spirits: Ancestral Lore and Practices 

The High Magic of Talismans and Amulets: Tradition and Craft

Cornish Charms and Cures

To Fly by Night: An anthology of Hedgewitchery

Treading the Mill: Practical Craft Working in Modern Traditional Witchcraft

Popular Magic: Cunning-folk in English History

The Black Arts: A Concise History of Witchcraft, Demonology, Astrology, and Other Mystical Practices Throughout the Ages

Grimorium Verum

The Devil’s Dozen: Thirteen Craft Rites of the Old One

The Witching Herbs: 13 Essential Plants and Herbs for Your Magical Garden

Defences Against the Witches’ Craft - Anti-cursing Charms from English Folk Magick, Traditional Witchcraft and the Grimoire Traditions

Nummits and Crummits: Devonshire Customs, Characteristics, and Folk-lore

Encyclopedia of Folk Medicine: Old World and New World Traditions

The Art of Black Mirror Scrying

Enchantment: The Witches’ Art of Manipulation by Gesture, Gaze and Glamour

CHILDREN OF CAIN: A Study of Modern Traditional Witchcraft.

The Pillars of Tubal Cain

Witch’s Workbook

The Left Hand: The Cabal Grimoire of Walking in Darkness

Profane Seals: A Compendium of Vile Sigil Magick - Volume I

Eye of the Oracle: The Cabal Grimoire of Psychic Magick

The Book of Smokeless Fire

Azoetia: A Grimoire of the Sabbatic Craft

Between the Living & the Dead: A Perspective on Witches & Seers in the Early Modern Age

The Night Battles: Witchcraft and Agrarian Cults in the Sixteenth and Seventeenth Centuries

The Horn of Evenwood: A Grimoire of Sorcerous Operations, Charms, and Devices of Witchery

The Cunning Man’s Handbook: The Practice of English Folk Magic, 1550-1900

Ecstasies: Deciphering the Witches’ Sabbath

The Book of Oberon: A Sourcebook of Elizabethan Magic

The Grimoire of Arthur Gauntlet (PB)

Witchcraft: A Handbook of Magic Spells and Potions

Cecil Williamsons Book of Witchcraft: A Grimoire of the Museum of Witchcraft

Under the Witching Tree: A Folk Grimoire of Tree Lore and Practicum

Veneficium: Magic, Witchcraft and the Poison Path

Witchcraft For Tomorrow

Pharmako Gnosis: Plant Teachers and the Poison Path

The Witches’ Ointment: The Secret History of Psychedelic Magic

The Visions of Isobel Gowdie

The Taper That Lights The Way: Robert Cochrane’s Letters Revealed) 

The Call of The Horned Piper

A Deed Without a Name

Heritage Witchcraft (This one is kind of useless unless you’re taking his Classes)

Letters from the Devil’s Forest: An Anthology of Writings on Traditional Witchcraft, Spiritual Ecology and Provenance Traditionalism

The Devil’s Plantation: East Anglian Lore, Witchcraft & Folk-Magic

Liber Nox: A Traditional Witch’s Gramarye

Thirteen Pathways of Occult Herbalism

Traditional Witches’ Formulary and Potion-making Guide: Recipes for Magical Oils, Powders and Other Potions

The Black Toad

Traditional Witchcraft: A Cornish Book of Ways

PHEW!

That was a lot! Okay anon I hope this gives you a good starting place! 

PRAYER TO PAN

I pray to you almighty Pan God, whose form, is beast & man Oh father of the ancient way You’ve called to me, & I obey Come, with cloven hooves approaching Till, I feel your presence near then join me in this circle To be honored & revered.

IO PAN!

Chthonic satyr lord of Spring Old guardian of forest groves Friend to Dionysus The one who roams the mountains Seducer of shepherds & nymphs The god of witches Keeper of flocks Companion to all that is wild COME!

IO PAN!

He who haunts the woodlands Feral god of all of Nature Roaring one Reveler of pleasure Erotic god of rampant lust One who plays the tune of old The deity of dance Hedonistic wild hunter COME!

IO PAN!

My god, the gifted prophet! My lord, the Strong Protector! My father, the Fierce Avenger! Ancient horned god of Arcadia I call to you tonight! I petition you! Be with me until the night is through! COME!