Hello Sunshine

ilya and shane have been making out for a while. ilya starts kissing shane’s neck and giving him loving bites and shane moans and goes “ilya, we really need to leave now, our friends are waiting and we’re already late” and ilya replies between kisses “shane, no one would care if we got there a little late” and he stops to look at his husband’s pretty face and says “just a quickie, okay?” and shane looks at him with a “really?” face and goes “it’s never quick with you” and ilya goes for another kiss and whispers into his husband’s lips “then let’s start now so we don’t get there even later”. they arrive an hour late and troy asks “why are you guys always late?” and ilya opens his mouth to answer but troy cuts him off and goes “actually i don’t want to know” and one of the rookies says “i do” and one of the WAGs slaps his head.

shane wakes up from a nap and notices that ilya isn’t in the room, which is incredibly weird because since they arrived in spain, ilya seems to think he’s a part of shane’s body. he gets worried and picks up his phone and sees that ilya sent him a message saying “my beloved sweetheart, i’m down at the dance ballroom learning salsa with incredible ladies” and shane snorts and thinks “that seems like a place where ilya would be”. so he goes after his husband and finds him surrounded by old ladies, dancing with one of them, and one of the ladies notices shane at the door and goes “oh young boy, you haven’t lied, you do have a very good looking husband” and ilya follows her gaze and finds shane and opens a wide grin going “mi amor!” and he apologizes to the lady he was dancing with to go to his husband and another lady says “oh if i was younger that boy right there would be my catch” and ilya turns to her with shane in his arms and goes “ah no, shane is useless with women” and shane slaps him and he keeps going “me on the other hand, i’m for incredible women like you all” and the same lady says “if you didn’t spend the whole hour talking about your husband we would’ve believed you” and ilya fake gasps while shane laughs and goes “don’t say that, my husband already has a big ego” and he smiles and turns to shane who was already looking at him and he kisses his husband while the ladies cheer.

guy on a work call just accidentally said “have a nice freak-end” instead of weekend and now i desperately want that to be the new meme. have a nice freakend everybody

the communications team takes the ottawa centaurs to a baseball field to make a funny video for the fans showing if they’re good at any sports other than hockey. and all of them try to play, pitching and catching and hitting (i have no idea how to play this game im not from a country where this is popular so im just inspired by the hockey teams videos i saw on tiktok) and it’s a mess for most of them, they’re clearly hockey players who have never held a baseball in their lives. but then shane and ilya step up and just do everything perfectly, like they’ve been playing their whole lives and the final half of the video ends up being just them going against each other to see who can throw faster, who can hit farther, who can catch more accurately. of course they’re ridiculously competitive about it and the rest of the centaurs is just standing there watching like “okay we get it you’re both freaks”. and people on the internet get so annoyed (affectionately) “wtf why can they play everything?” and “are they even human?” and “of course they’re good at this too, of course”

ilya getting into a fight cus some player tried to be homophobic with him asking “is shane fucking you in the ass tonight?” and he answered “i hope so” and the player snarked “disgusting f*” and ilya smirked and says “maybe you’d be half as good as me if you took it up the ass, but no one wants a man who’s been fed by his parents with a slingshot because he’s too ugly to be approached” and even the player’s teammates chuckled and he lunged after ilya. on the way to the sin bin ilya skated close to his husband and he looked towards shane that only asked “how many?” and ilya answered “hat trick” and shane stepped on the ice to do as ilya said.

cursed to be a tumblr user forever

girl unhinge ur jaw

UNCLENCH. I MEANT UNCLENCH

When I was a kid watching tv was idiot coded and nerds read books, but now scrolling shortform videos is considered braindead behavior and watching tv means you're some kinda intellectual. You might think this shifting assessment of media's consumers might make readers into absolute super geniuses, but no. Only perverts read now.

...the alt text?

Shane’s head smashing into the headboards and he’s yelling fuck Ilya harder!!! Meanwhile Ilya’s heart rate is 182bpm and he’s like fuck Shane I have a cramppp