s✧

So they gather around and have a Strategy Session to discuss how to best proceed. Because Ilya is clearly heartbroken and they don't want to see him hurt. Hence, the strategy meeting. They can't tell Ilya directly, that might spook him. Can't tell Hayden directly either, though. Sure he seems like a decent dude based on what some of them have seen at the camps and events, but who knows how me might react to being told that Ilya Rozanov is in love with him?

No no, best to find someone more neutral. Someone who would be polite about it and discreet and not run to the next gossip magazine or group chat to yell about it. So obviously, there is only one good option. Shane Hollander, famously decent guy and apparently friends with both Hayden Pike AND Ilya Rozanov. Also, he co-funded a charity about mental health with Rozy, surely he would not be an asshole about that, right?

They consider this to be an absolutely foolproof plan. Bood and Wyatt are elected as the ones who are to message Shane. Best to do it over text so not to corner him, right? Also it's difficult to talk to him somewhere where they may get some privacy.

In the following game Hayden is slammed into the boards more than he can count by almost every single Centaur except Ilya. Everyone on the internet is really confused because what?? happened before the game??.

And the checks aren't illegal they're just rougher than strictly necessary, so Hayden ends up with several new bruises and aching all over. Turns out the Centaurs defend their Captain very well.

Shane, driving him home: "Already figured out what you're going to tell Jackie or are you gonna go with the truth and admit you called Ilya handsome in front of his team, knowing it was an unnecessary fucking chirp?"

first time the centaurs have made it in years, and montreal has made it too. shane, at this point very much trying to conform with his team as much as possible, starts getting more superstitious than he used to be because "that's how hockey players are supposed to be". so he starts a sex ban. and ilya is so confused because since when have you been in favor of celibacy???? but shane refuses to budge.

so ilya decides to break shane's resolve down slowly. their first playoff game, he's stretching really ostentatiously on the ice, he's pulling out his most charismatic grin and winking at shane when he blushes and so far it's going really well but ilya can tell that shane still isn't convinced.

during the game, he inflicts the final blow. within shane's earshot, he skates past hayden and goes "hello handsome, when did your passes get so clean? you are such a good player this season." and on top of triggering shane's jealousy of no one gets my man's attention like that it's also shane's jealousy of who the fuck does he think he is saying that someone else on my team is better than me. fuck that i need to be so so so good and win that attention back.

So they gather around and have a Strategy Session to discuss how to best proceed. Because Ilya is clearly heartbroken and they don't want to see him hurt. Hence, the strategy meeting. They can't tell Ilya directly, that might spook him. Can't tell Hayden directly either, though. Sure he seems like a decent dude based on what some of them have seen at the camps and events, but who knows how me might react to being told that Ilya Rozanov is in love with him?

No no, best to find someone more neutral. Someone who would be polite about it and discreet and not run to the next gossip magazine or group chat to yell about it. So obviously, there is only one good option. Shane Hollander, famously decent guy and apparently friends with both Hayden Pike AND Ilya Rozanov. Also, he co-funded a charity about mental health with Rozy, surely he would not be an asshole about that, right?

They consider this to be an absolutely foolproof plan. Bood and Wyatt are elected as the ones who are to message Shane. Best to do it over text so not to corner him, right? Also it's difficult to talk to him somewhere where they may get some privacy.

So they gather around and have a Strategy Session to discuss how to best proceed. Because Ilya is clearly heartbroken and they don't want to see him hurt. Hence, the strategy meeting. They can't tell Ilya directly, that might spook him. Can't tell Hayden directly either, though. Sure he seems like a decent dude based on what some of them have seen at the camps and events, but who knows how me might react to being told that Ilya Rozanov is in love with him?

No no, best to find someone more neutral. Someone who would be polite about it and discreet and not run to the next gossip magazine or group chat to yell about it. So obviously, there is only one good option. Shane Hollander, famously decent guy and apparently friends with both Hayden Pike AND Ilya Rozanov. Also, he co-funded a charity about mental health with Rozy, surely he would not be an asshole about that, right?

They consider this to be an absolutely foolproof plan. Bood and Wyatt are elected as the ones who are to message Shane. Best to do it over text so not to corner him, right? Also it's difficult to talk to him somewhere where they may get some privacy.

We know Hozier's music is often used for Blorbo feelings fodder, but I find some of the traditional shipping songs don't actually work for Hollanov's vibe. This is both an excuse to re-listen to all of Hozier's mainline albums (and whatever singles I choose to interact with) and rank them based on how relevant they are to Hollanov's love story and characterizations. Crucially, I'm NOT ranking how much I like these songs or how good they are as music, just how much they make me think of Hollanov as a couple or individual characters at different points of the story. Also, I'm going to stick to canon narrative (book and show) for this, but that is subjective to my interpretation. You can disagree though. I'll probably enjoy reading your thoughts.

The Ranking System: I'm Coming to the Cottage -> This song is them in every possible way, in every possible time period and era, and describes an aspect of their love story. Is Just a Plan to Fuck-> The song fits them but just in a horny way. Shanalysis-> This song is a Shane understander. Ilyanalysis-> This song is an Ilya understander. Don't Worry it Will Fit-> There are elements of this song that could connect with aspects of Hollanov's story, but I'm probably stretching it. What's YouTube?-> This song is irrelevant to Hollanov's journey. Still Hozier though, so you should listen.

Alright here we go!

Part 1: Hozier (the self-titled album)

Okay so just to preface, I'm not the only person who has thoughts along this line regarding Ilya in the shower in episode four, and I think others have probably talked about it too, and probably more eloquently.

That being said, this has sort of been my interpretation of that scene from the beginning and some of this could be confirmation bias. I have no real direct evidence for a lot of it. However, I really think that there are indicators in the end of that scene that imply we're just fully inside Shane's head at that point. The non-exhaustive list goes something like:

The way that the staircase in Shane's apartment is framed when Rose is going up. There's a kind of vertigo-inducing quality to the whole thing, and I think also a mirrored aspect that we don't see the only other time we see a shot focused on that staircase i.e. when Shane and Ilya are kissing their way up the stairs in the montage at the beginning of the episode. This show is alllll about parallels, and it's crucial to me that everyone recognizes that the All The Things She Said scene could be interpreted as a direct parallel to the My Moon My Man Montage. Kissing up the stairs -> Rose climbing the stairs while Shane watches. Ilya holding Shane's face against the couch -> Shane patting Rose's hair while trying to fuck her. Showerhead Shower Head -> Ilya masturbating in the shower. I say not for the last time: I have no direct evidence for this. But the parallels are there, and they're important.

All The Things She Said by t.A.T.u is diegetic in the scene, i.e. it's actually supposed to be playing in the club. The Harrison version is NOT. To me, this is meant to be indicative of the sort of distortion that being drunk and upset can have on a memory. As soon as the Harrison version of ATTSS starts playing, we're inside Shane's mind--we're replaying the night as he remembers it.

(Small aside here: Another reason I think the Harrison needle drop is the point at which we enter Shane's recollection of the night, rather than what actually happened, is because I don't think Miles was actually kissing the back of his neck like that. If that had actually happened I don't think Shane would have been chill about it. I think that's a weird detail that Shane's very conflicted mind slipped in there when he was thinking about it later--crucially, while mid-sex. I have no evidence for this.)

This is further amplified by the rapidly switching POVs. We see Rose kissing Shane's stomach, and then we see Ilya in the club. We see Shane taking off his shirt and Rose dropping to her knees, and then we see Ilya in the shower. Voyeur perspective, as though watching from around a door. We see him (and this is crucial, I'm so serious) scratching his ass. Clearly, the idea is that he's alone. But the door is open! Who showers alone with the door open? Someone who lives alone, sure, but also--someone who doesn't mind if they can be seen? Someone who's comfortable with whoever might be in the next room?

(The sound of the shower when Ilya leaves the bed after taking Shane's virginity is loud. Almost as if the bathroom door is still open.)

Anyway. Immediately after we see Ilya in the shower for the first time we see Shane on the bed with Rose and he is fully hiding his face. He is not looking at her. He has his head in the bed and his eyes completely closed. Next time we see Ilya, the shot gets brighter. So bright that he's basically haloed. His arm is speeding up, he's getting close.

Ilya in the club again. Standing STILL. And Shane is looking at him and--hmm. Where did the champagne he had in his hand go? I've seen people explain the absence of it by saying that he dropped it when he saw Ilya. I think a large amount of broken glass on the floor would get more attention from the surroundings than is seen in that shot--that is to say, it would get SOME, but Shane is standing alone. So is Ilya. Everyone else is moving around them. More of the memory-distortion. That shot is what it FELT like to Shane, to see Ilya in that club.

Here's the really important part. (It's all important but this is the part that really drives me insane) At the very end of the scene we hear three things: Ilya moaning, Rose moaning, Shane moaning. Ilya's moans are distorted, breathy and have this dreamy quality which implies to me, at least, that they are not diegetic. They are not actually happening. And we only hear them when he's making eye contact with the camera (i.e., Shane). Crucially, the only time we hear Rose moan is at the very end of Ilya's, and they seem to almost bleed into one another. Rose's moans are also non-diegetic, as if they're not actually happening in that moment. The only diegetic moans in that entire scene are Shane's. And his moans are the only ones that don't come through in that weird, airy filtered way.

Interestingly--and you can take from this what you will--when Ilya comes (I think that's the implication of that last shot) it's in a close-up on his face, mouth open. Now obviously there's a Doyalist explanation for this, which is: they couldn't show his dick. But the camera could have stayed zoomed out on his body, on the motion of his hand. But it showed his face. Hmm. The same view you might have of him if you were. I don't know. Under him? While he came?

That's also when Shane comes. So.

Okay well that ended up being way more of an exhaustive list than I thought it would be. I do want to emphasize that the thing that blew this whole thing wide open for me is when I realized that the bathroom shown behind Ilya at the beginning of the scene is NOT the same one we see him in at the end. Various people have put forth the theory that it's the bathroom of the girl he went home with (I know he didn't do that in the book but we're talking show canon and the show never makes it clear what happens with that girl--in book canon, Shane ALSO does not go home with Rose that night, so) but this doesn't make sense to me because why?? would he be jerking off in the shower?? if that was the case.

("Maggie what about what you just said about Ilya in the bathroom after the deflowering--" I know what I said and to be clear SHANE is having a FANTASY. He's blending multiple things in his brain in the hope that one of those things will be enough to get him hard and make him come. So he thinks about Ilya and he thinks about Ilya some MORE and he thinks about Ilya that night when he felt so good and safe and good under him and then he thinks about watching Ilya shower in the aftermath and how intimate it felt and then he thinks about Ilya jerking it at him in the shower and then they all combine in his brain. Like. This is probably very similar to what happens in Shane's brain when he masturbates. 2+2 equals Ilya Rozanov.)

As Shane and Ilya are going through the box, Ilya pulls out a little Centaurs branded notebook, with "Shane's Fun Facts!" written on the front in sharpie. Ilya is understandably delighted.

"What is this?" he asks, smiling from ear to ear, quickly yanking it out of the reach of Shane who immediately tries to swipe it out of his hands.

"It's nothing," says Shane, but the way his cheeks have gone pink behind his freckles tells another story.

"Uh-uh. It cannot be nothing if you don't want me to see it this badly."

Turning his back to Shane so he can't easily grab at it, Ilya opens to a random page and reads in Shane's 8-year-old scrawl:

Lightning bolts are five times hotter than the sun. That is very hot!

Ilya is grinning even wider now.

"Wow, Solnyshko, that is a fun fact."

"Fuck off," Shane says. He doesn't even attempt to grab it again, just kind of collapses and bonks his head into Ilya's shoulder. "I used to have trouble making friends as a kid. Dad suggested I start collecting facts to use as icebreakers. Y'know, to get conversations going."

"Did they work?" asks Ilya, tilting his head so that it rests on top of Shane's as his husband gives an almighty sigh.

"I think they made it worse, actually."

Ilya turns to another page and reads it out loud.

"Oology is the study of eggs. It's so cool because it looks like there are three eggs in the word!"

"Oh god," says Shane, burying his face further into Ilya's neck.

"I think you knew all the worst kids in Canada," says Ilya, putting down the book and wrapping his arms around Shane. "Those facts would have worked on me."

"Really?" asks Shane, glancing up at Ilya's face to see if he's teasing him, but Ilya is being perfectly serious.

"Of course. You came up to me and started telling me fun facts straight away, remember? 'I don't think you can smoke here.' 'Wow, Rozanov, you are the best player ever to watch.'"

"Fuck off, I didn't say that," laughs Shane.

"Well, it was something like that," says Ilya, pressing a kiss to the top of Shane's head. "So at least the fun facts worked when it mattered, yes? Imagine where we'd be if you hadn't come over to break the ice."

And Shane tugs Ilya even closer.

But here comes the twist: Shane and Ilya still think its best to hide their relationship until retirement: They didn't want to fuck with their careers, Shane is still paranoid that the Centaurs could be as homophobic as the Metros, they don't wanna be the talk of the league, they don't know how sponsors and fans would react if they both would be publicly outed as queer and also in a relationship, especially with their history, they don't wanna fuck with the teams concentration while they are in the middle of a rebuild. Many good reasons to keep it low. And it's okay, really, because their situation still has massively improved. They live in the same city, just 20 minutes away instead of two hours, they have the same schedule and see each other every day, they can play amazing hockey together.

And they do such a good job, keeping their relationship hidden from their teammates. They have the typical lockerroom chirping and bantering down to a tee. They play so hard against each other during the scrimmages as if this were a game 7 in the playoffs (and they barely can hide their smiles when they push each other into the boards). When they showers they take the stalls that are the furthest apart. They get into a screaming match discussing a strategy how to beat Florida. They call each other bro and buddy. Ilya sticks with Bood and Shane with Wyatt when travelling (while secretly typing messages to each other and smiling all the time). They groan exasperatedly when there is a slip up with the hotel room bookings and they have to share rooms for week long roadtrip. They arrive for training always exactly 6 minutes apart and leave the lockerroom 4 minutes apart. They need to be told to sit closer to each other for the group photo. They are the first to celebrate each other's goals and compliment each other's game moves in interviews, speaking highly and very respectfully about each other's talents. They are the perfect teammates, keeping the balance between friendly and professional. Sometimes, in the calm evenings at home, they can't help but smile, so very proud, how the are fooling everyone.

Except, they fool no-one. Wyatt was the first to notice this strangely precise pattern how Roz always arrives exactly six minutes after Hollzy. He also doesn't miss the way Roz always seems to be more relaxed when Hollzy is in the room, laughing louder, the smile wider. Dykstra didn't want to snoop through the cupboards, really, he was just looking for snack while visiting Ilya's place, and it took him two days and a cartoonish epiphany moment to figure out why Cap hoards protein pulver of the exact brand Hollzy does commercials for and Ilya can't stop nag him about.

Bood would not be such a good host if he wouldn't notice two of his guests disappearing for a few minutes, together. Well that, and Cassie catching a glance of them kissing and telling Bood later.

Chouinard just listened to their bickering, how affectionately Shane calls Ilya asshole, how well Ilya knows how to rile Shane. He doesn't know exactly what is going on, but he has played hockey long enough to know that there is no casual explanation for whatever his captain and alternate captain have going on.

Luca has read enough 100k enemies to lovers slow burn fics to catch their vibe immediately, but also Cap wearing the exact green hoodie Shane wore last week is pretty telling.

Holmberg absentmindedly told Ilya and Shane to go take a room, after a win and they couldn't stop excitedly repeating how they obliterate the other team, finishing each other's sentence as if they are mind readers, and there was something in the way they fell silent immediately and subtle eyebrow raise Ilya directed at Shane.

Troy catches Ilya glancing at Shane's ass in the lockerroom, mainly because Troy himself couldn't stop himself from looking and then quickly averted his eyes, and it seems like-minded spirits recognise each other. And Ilya pouring his heart out to him was a clue as well.

Harris simply had to rewatch the game tapes, looking for highlights to edit together for social media posts and he can only shake his head how obvious it is to see. Not only the insane chemistry while playing as their bodies instinctively know where the other one will be. It's the bright smiles, the hands that linger a bit too long on each other's back after a goal celebration, Shane visibly blushing when Ilya does his "I love you" bit with his team after a game, how they instinctively sit next to each other on the bench, how worried Ilya looks when someone fouls Shane too hard, how Shane seems to hunt down everyone who looks at Ilya wrong. He immediately prepares a post where the Centaurs express their support, just in case this super secret relationship gets out.

centaurs: and we've known the whole time, next please.