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Dove got ready for another night. Instead of her silk slips, she put on a red cotton swing dress. She dabbed on a matching lipstick with shaking hands. The more eyes on her tonight, the harder for Elijah to corner her. He couldn't hurt her in front of the customers or Duke without a good reason and she had no intention to give him one.
She slipped on heels, knowing they'd be thrown into a corner at some part of the night. Being barefoot in a bar wasn't just odd, it was risky, especially if a flight broke out, but Dove couldn't help it. Those dirty floors were her home, and she felt more alive without shoes to slow her down.
The bar was already ramping up when she got there. She smiled and hugged girls as she passed them, some already choosing men to talk out of money.
“Dove!” A young soldier yelled. It was one of the bidders from yesterday. She offered a tight smile, giving him a side hug before dancing out of his reach.
“Sugar!” She cheerfully replied. “Back for more mischief?”
“Always,” he smiled back. “Got time to keep a gentleman company?”
“Oh but I thought a gentleman doesn't hire a whore, isn't that what you said yesterday?” Dove laughed, an edge cutting through her playful voice. “Maybe you should find another girl tonight, sugar. I'm not feeling too sweet.”
The man's face dropped.
“Dove,” he said, grabbing her arm. “Don't do me like that. It was harmless fun.”
“You did harm,” she said firmly, trying to push him off of her. “Let go.”
His fingers pressed tighter into her arm as anger flashed across his face.
“Now listen here,” he said gruffly, pulling her to him. “You'll do what I want. I've got the money.”
Dove looked around, but none of the patrons would meet her eyes. Every head ducked from her gaze. Dove frantically looked for one of the girls and finally locked eyes with Mary, wide eyed, before she began pushing through the crowd out of Dove's sight.
“Let me go!” She shrieked, scrambling to get away from him.
She struggled in his grip as he began to pull her away from the floor and toward the back. Another hand grabbed her arm, ripping her away from the soldier before a fist swung past her head to connect with the soldier’s face. She stepped back, watching other men join the fight as she realized Duke Shelby was beating the soldier bloody.
A stray punch from a different soldier that joined the fight busted Duke's lip. He snarled, rearing back and punching the offending man back. The man rounded another punch to his eye before Duke connected an uppercut to his jaw. The soldier fell to the floor, mouth gasping like a fish out of water.
Dove shrieked as more Peaky Blinders stepped in, dropping every American soldier to the floor around Duke. He stood tall among the wreckage and wiped the blood from his lip. The bar was silent.
“Back to it, then,” he said loudly, before throwing his arm at the bloody soldier at his feet. “Get him out of here.”
Duke looked around a moment more, meeting Dove's eyes for barely a moment before he stalked back to the private box.
Dove felt fingers gently touch her shoulder, and she jumped as she found the same older man with bushy eyebrows from the night before beside her.
“Excuse me, miss, but I tried speaking with you yesterday,” he said, eyeing the bloody soldier that was being carried out. “Christ, that was something, wasn't it? I've been trying to speak with you, I'm Joh-”
Dove gently pushed the older gentleman away from her, motioning for him to wait as she slipped behind the bar. She grabbed a clean rag and poured a bit of fresh water onto it before she went to the private box, giving one quiet knock on the door before slipping in.
“Sir?” She said quietly as she leaned back against the door. “Mr. Shelby?”
Duke Shelby sat in a chair, his head in his hands, dripping blood onto the ground between his feet. He took a shaky breath before sitting up to look her in the eye.
“There another problem outside?” He asked stiffly.
She shook her head slowly, feeling the water in the rag begin to drip across her hand to the floor.
“No sir,” she said softly, heart beating wildly in her chest. “I thought you might need cleaned up.”
Duke watched her, still as stone, before he gave a small nod.
Dove moved forward and stopped between his splayed legs, gently tipping his chin up toward her to dab the blood around his eye. He studied her face as she tried to focus on cleaning his wounds.
“Odd for the boss to step in,” she said, trying to fill the silence. “That's what soldiers are for, not generals.”
Duke didn't respond. No recognition filled his eyes at her words. Just the same cold stare.
“Did your father not give you the same speech he gave his brothers?” Dove murmured.
Her stomach dropped as she realized that Tommy Shelby must have been too withdrawn by the time Duke arrived to impart wisdom to his son.
Duke's jaw set and his fists clenched on the arms of the chair. Dove flinched but did not move away.
“Of course he fookin’ didn't,” Duke spat back. “Too busy being crazy. Dumped me with his sins and sped off to his ghost house.”
Dove nodded, dabbing away the blood around the cut near his eye. He'd have a good shiner by morning.
“Before he-” Dove's voice broke. “He'd tell ‘em to leave the bloody work to the soldiers. A general plans. Lead. No need to put themselves in unnecessary fights.”
“Maybe I like fightin’,” he challenged.
“Maybe,” she agreed. “But we need you, don't we?”
“We?” Duke winced at her touch. His hand flew to her waist, holding her in front of him. He squeezed her side.
“Who's in charge if you're gone?” Dove asked quietly. “There's no structure. No order. All we have is you.”
Dove softly checked his face again, dabbing the blood from his split lip.
“There,” she said with a smile. “You're cleaned up. Nothing needs stitches, but you'll have a nasty shiner by morning.”
She hesitated before she caressed his cheek in a single soft stroke and dropped her hand to her side.
“No structure,” he repeated, looking back at her with an expression she couldn't place. His hand unclenched on the armchair. His other hand stayed on her hip.
“What's your goal with the blinders?” She tilted her head. “Is it all a cash grab or are you trying to make a name for yourself in the world?”
“I don't give a fuck about the world,” he growled. “And it doesn't give a fuck about me.”
“You're in charge of dozens of Peaky Blinders and every whore in Small Heath,” Dove whispered. “They care what you do. I care what you do.”
Duke nodded, leaning back. Dove felt the weight of his hand leave her. She felt cold in its absence. His eyes went to her red dress and flashed regret before his flat expression slammed back into place.
“Shit.”
Dove looked down to see his blood on her waist. She chuckled.
“I'm sure no one will notice, sugar,” she said, freezing once she realized the pet name she had said on reflex.
She cleared her throat and motioned for him to give her his hand. She dabbed his bloody knuckles clean before patting his hand reassuredly.
“There you are,” she said.
She lowered her head and tried to step away to return to the fray outside. By then, the bar sounded like it had returned to the normal chaos of a busy night.
Duke grabbed her wrist and pulled her onto his lap in a swift, fluid movement. She gasped as she looked at him eye to eye.
“You might have been looking down on me to clean my face,” he said slowly. “But I'll not have you pity me. Got it?”
Dove nodded, body already shaking. Duke let her wrist go and held her face firmly.
“Say it.”
“Yes sir,” she answered.
Duke caressed her face for a moment, watching her tremble on his lap.
“Good girl,” he hummed.
Dove's breath hitched as her heart fluttered. The mix of fear and lust jolted through her body, racing through her veins to every piece of her. Duke smirked, and Dove felt her face flush.
“Now go,” he nodded toward the door. “I've got some things to consider.”
“Oh?” she said as she stood up.
“You've got good ideas, Dove,” he said, placing his hands behind his head as he leaned back. “I think you might be right. I need … structure.”
Dove gave him a thin smile.
“Happy to help.”
She slipped back out to the crowd, throwing the bloody rag behind the counter. She looked around for the older man, but he was long gone. As a soldier pulled her to the gambling tables, she looked behind her to see Duke in the doorway of the private room, arms crossed and eyes locked on her.
“Wipe those tables off, won't you?”
The bartender tossed a wet rag to Dove, who smiled back before gathering the spent glasses on the tables around her to one place and began wiping down the surrounding tables.
“We don't have to do that,” Mary giggled as she stood beside Dove, swaying from the alcohol still in her veins. “Our job isn't to clean.”
The sun was flirting with the horizon and the bar had been cleared out, leaving only the bartender, the whores, and a few stray Peaky Blinders that had stayed to gather money from the various whores, gambling tables, and register. Elijah was in charge of the end count, sitting at the bar top with piles of pounds and coins around him.
“Yeah, and who is our wonderful bartender faster for when one of us needs a drink?” Dove laughed. “We're all working together. It hurts nothing to wipe down a few tables for a heap of goodwill my way.”
“She's figured out the game,” the bartender winked at Dove. “You youngin’s would do well to listen and learn from Lady Dove.”
Elijah laughed as he counted, waiting until his stack was correct before looking up.
“No ladies here,” he laughed. “Just whores.”
Dove frowned.
“Dove is now lady of the bar,” Duke said, making everyone jump from his voice coming from the private room.
He leaned in the doorway and wiped his mouth. The bruise around his eye had gotten deeper throughout the night, and the split in his lip was a stain of dark blackberry.
“We need a Mad Mags after all,” he said. “She's the new madam. They'll report to her, she'll run the business and hand it off directly to me.”
Elijah scowled, tossing a stack onto the table before turning to protest.
“You'll handle the boys,” Duke said to Elijah.
“But boss-”
“The girls are afraid of you,” Duke said, pushing off the doorway to walk toward the bar. “You treat them like soldiers. They're not. She earned a hefty price the night before. If she runs the girls like she runs herself,” he made a pointed look at Elijah. “She'll more than deserve her place.”
Elijah went to protest again, but was immediately silenced.
“The girls are afraid of you,” Duke repeated, licking his split lip. “Does a stressed hen lay eggs?”
Elijah shrank in his seat and returned to counting. Duke's eyes drifted to Dove, who watched the exchange quietly, still leaning over the table holding the rag.
“Think you can do it?”
Dove smiled nervously.
“Didn't sound like you were asking, sugar,” she said.
“I wasn't.”
He stepped forward, hands in his pockets, until he stood directly in front of her. Dove let go of the rag and stood up straight, biting her lip as his eyes followed the curves of her body, briefly staying on the blood stain on her waist.
“Sleep. Come in tomorrow. Stick around the day,” he said. “I'll handle the soldiers.”
Dove nodded.
“So I coach the girls and gather money,” she said slowly. “What if a fight breaks out? Or a man refuses to pay?”
“Send for me,” he said as his eyes snapped up to meet hers. “Just like you did last night.”
Dove's eyebrows bunched in confusion, darting to Mary. Mary looked sheepish but wouldn't return her look; her eyes were only on Duke.
Elijah opened his mouth to protest again, but Duke was already at his back, slamming his head into the counter. Everyone grew incredibly still. The bartender froze while cleaning a glass. Dove stood at the table, frozen. Mary let out a little squeal before her hand flew to her mouth.
“No opinions,” Duke said as he pressed Elijah's head into the stacks of money that scattered upon impact. “Just orders.”
“Alright, boss,” Elijah grunted. “Yeah.”
Duke let him go.
“Count up and get out,” he said before turning to the girls.
“Tomorrow morning,” he hummed to Dove before he looked over to Mary and nodded toward the door.
Mary pinked but nodded back, taking Duke's outstretched hand as he led her out of the Garrison. Dove watched, head swimming.
The door shut quietly behind them.
“Get everything you wanted?” Elijah spat over his shoulder as he gathered up the money spread everywhere across the bar. “The sex better be fucking phenomenal.”
“I've never so much as kissed him,” Dove answered indignantly as she picked up the glasses from the table. The bartender took a deep breath and smiled as Dove handed over the glasses.
Elijah scoffed.
“Do you want help?” Dove asked, looking at the mess of money in front of him.
Elijah looked at her for a moment, scowl melting to confusion.
“You serious?”
“We're all working together,” she shrugged.
Elijah stared at her for a moment.
“You've got to be a manipulative mastermind or the dumbest broad I've ever met,” he muttered as he parted the money with his hands. “Yeah, you count that half, I'll count this.”
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Cool cool cool so my husband is literally leaving during dinner to travel for work unexpectedly. It's the week of wildflower's fifth birthday and I'm trying to get everything ready and work is work and and and
I'm writing another chapter after they fall asleep.
When my brain is stressed it just creates other worlds while I freak out through it all. 🙃
... I just realized I've only been on two dates in my life... I'm married to the first one and was trying to break the nose of the second one when I realized he tricked me into a date.
That ‘comment on your a03 work’ email hits like a line of cocaine every time. unmatched dopamine increase. shoutout to everyone who leaves a comment on fics. you deserve the world
Cool cool cool so my husband is literally leaving during dinner to travel for work unexpectedly. It's the week of wildflower's fifth birthday and I'm trying to get everything ready and work is work and and and
I'm writing another chapter after they fall asleep.
When my brain is stressed it just creates other worlds while I freak out through it all. 🙃
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
An hour later, the Garrison was bustling with the night crowd. The group of whores that were to work that night had all appeared and were making rounds to pick up customers. Soldiers and factory workers alike were drinking heavily and forgetting their worries, spending what they had on pleasures to make the world feel a bit easier.
Dove walked barefoot through the crowds, dancing between customers and checking on the other girls. She gave the regulars an easy smile as she searched the crowd for Elijah to appear.
“You disappeared on us,” a regular laughed as he took her hand and twirled her closer. The old man chuckled as she smiled back at him.
“A girl needs a break once in a while,” she joked as she patted his chest. “Had to give you a few days to save your money up for me, doll. You're at the auction tonight, aren't you?”
“They're asking for the highest bidder tonight?” he said as his eyebrows raised. “I fear I've spent all my money on whiskey already, Dove. I'll leave it to the young men with more cum than sense.”
Dove laughed before wagging her finger at the man and moving through. That was always the trick; small, teasing interactions until money traded hands. A glance. A taste. A touch. A tease. Always moving out of their hands.
Soon enough, she saw Elijah walk in, leading a few other Peaky soldiers. He was all smiles and handshakes through the crowd until he caught her watching him. His hand raised and he motioned for her to come.
“Of the four men,” he yelled over the crowd to her. “Three agreed to bid. All American soldiers. We'll meet in the stock room in twenty minutes.”
Dove frowned.
“Let me find a fourth,” she yelled back. “I can talk one more into it.”
“Twenty minutes,” Elijah yelled back, tapping at his watch as he started to move away from her in the crowd.
Dove looked around the room, smiling at any eyes that met her own. She didn't recognize any of them enough to be sure they would drive up her price. It was too little time to talk a stranger into paying a hefty price.
“Excuse me, miss,” an older man tipped his hat off into his hand as he stood in front of her. “A friend asked me to find a lady, you see, and I think you might be the one.”
“Who are you asking for, sugar?” Dove asked absentmindedly as she continued to survey the crowd for a familiar face.
“She's a bird, you see,” he said. “He specifically said to find her when he's gone. Once we got the wagon burning, I asked around and they said she'd be here.”
“Wagon burning?” Dove asked, perplexed, as she found her target in the crowd: a rich, married man in a suit she recognized that often visited Small Heath to cheat and gamble. “I'm sorry, sugar, I've got someone to speak to. Excuse me.”
The man furrowed his bushy dark eyebrows as she stepped around him, smiling big as she met the rich man's eyes. Charles? Or was it Neil? No matter.
She needed to pay off her debt tonight, before Elijah found a new way to torture her under his rule. She had a target on her back that wasn't going away anytime soon unless she could assuage his temper with coin.
“Well hello there, again,” she said warmly as she hugged the rich man. “Aren't you a sight for sore eyes. I've got a predicament and you're the only man that can help me.”
“Is that right?” He laughed. “And what predicament are you in now, Dove?”
“Let's get you a drink first, sugar,” Dove said with a wink before playfully tugging on his tie. “Cool you down before I heat you up.”
She pulled him to the bar, signaling the bartender for a drink. One came quickly without a word, just a tally mark on a paper to be collected at the end of the night. The man sipped his drink as Dove did her best to be exactly the girl he wanted.
“Oh darling,” she pouted as she wrapped herself around him. “You're just in time. I've been away for a few days, and the most egregious men are fighting over my night. I'd much rather spend my evening with a gentleman like yourself. Those soldiers are so unrefined. You,” she said, biting her lip as she looked up at him before smiling, “are exactly the type of man I need.”
“And what's that going to take, Dove?” He hummed, pleased.
Dove smiled.
“Follow me to the backroom and talk with Elijah,” she said, intertwining her fingers in his before leading the way.
She pushed through the storage room door to find three men with Elijah, who was already impatiently tapping his foot.
“Nearly late,” he glared.
“Merely on time,” she sang back. “Boys, I introduce our fourth bidder for my services tonight. I feel mighty lucky to be so popular. One of you is going to have a very good night.”
“Alright lads,” Elijah said, looking between the four men. “Starts at 10 pence, who wants a full night of Dove’s attention?”
One of the soldiers nodded his bid. Of the four, three were soldiers from America, with lust in their hearts and money burning in their pocket. What else was there to do in a foreign land but drink their beer and fuck foreign women? It had been long enough that most men knew to keep their wedding rings off and the tan that used to indicate it was long gone in England’s dreary overcast.
“Ten pence is barely a start,” Dove eyed Elijah, careful to sound playful. “I'm worth much more than a decent dinner. Anyone care to double it? I've been cooped up inside for days. Show a girl a good time.”
“I'll double it,” the rich man said, a smirk on his lips as he looked down on the soldiers.
“Make it triple,” a young soldier said, eyeing the man back.
“Half pound here,” the rowdiest of the soldiers said, taking a step forward. “You can sit on my lap as I gamble before you earn it back.”
Dove batted her lashes, biting her lip playfully as she spun around like a show pony. She did her best to hide her nervousness. The man was known to be too rough; even Elijah would have known him as such. Too reckless to be safe. The other soldiers patted their friend as they laughed at his candor.
“A pound then,” the rich man said. “A gentleman knows discretion.”
“Ain't no gentlemen hiring a whore,” the young soldier laughed as the three continued their uproar. Dove did her best to smile and smooth it over.
“Do you boys want to pay for drinks for a blushing girl all night, just to find there's no satisfaction?” Dove laughed. “Or would you rather pay for a guarantee of a good time?”
“Two pounds,” the youngest soldier said. “Til sun up.”
“Two pounds ‘til sun up it is,” Elijah smiled. “That our highest price for Miss Dove?”
“Fuck it, two and a half,” the raucous soldier said.
“Three,” the rich man said as he reached for Dove's waist. “Put your pence away and return to your barracks empty handed.”
“Fuck,” one of the soldiers swore. “For that price I'll hire two whores half her age. Goodnight.”
Dove's smile faltered before she did her best to bring it back. She took the man's hand and twirled with a giggle.
“My hero,” she sighed into his arms.
The man puffed at her response, handing Elijah the three pounds. Dove plucked the money from his hands before he could frown.
“I'll pay our Rom Baro myself, thanks,” Dove said, folding the money into her palm. “I won't have you pocket half and hide my worth.”
Elijah gritted his teeth but nodded in agreement.
“Thank you boys for your interest,” Dove said with a playful curtsy and a smile to the group. “I'll be right back to our winner once I pay the boss.”
She walked out of the storage room, careful to dart between the patrons to get to the dark corner chair. Duke sat, drinking whiskey, watching the crowd.
“Three pounds to our illustrious leader,” Dove said, playfully taking the drink from his hand and taking a sip.
She palmed the money into his hand, noticing the wheel tattoo between his pointer finger and thumb.
“As promised, I've paid my debt back.”
“So you have.”
His face held nothing. No impressed look. No care. No anger. Just a blank look with the same blue eyes of his father, and a chip on his shoulder bigger than his body. A curse on his shoulders that had lasted generations and weighed him down.
“Right,” Dove said with uncertainty, stepping back.
“Why you?” Duke asked, finally meeting her eyes. “Where’s Elijah?”
Dove shifted her stance, suddenly too aware of her bare feet, contemplating how to answer.
“You won't tolerate uselessness or competition,” she said finally. “Shelbys never have. Elijah is Isaiah’s cousin. Been raised around the Shelbys. He's the same ilk.”
“What are you, then?”
“I've been around Small Heath a long time,” Dove said, a smile tugging on her lips. “I know my place.”
A spark lit in Duke's eyes, and for a moment Dove could see Tommy in him.
“Didn't answer my question, Dove.” He said simply.
Dove had always thought Tommy was quiet. He was in his head and never had enough words to share. Duke was worse. She couldn't read him at all. He was blank. At least Tommy seemed to have an inner world bustling with life; a mind that never stopped. Duke was quiet. Still. Deadly.
“I know enough not to be useless,” Dove said. “Especially around men who would easily cut my throat for a misstep.”
“What's left, then?”
“Your second is trying to grab more power,” she said softly. “I'm just a means to do so. Goodnight, Mr. Shelby.”
Duke nodded as he pocketed the money. He watched her closely as she walked away toward a tall gentleman in a suit. She had relaxed into a prance of a walk, her face twisted in fake delight as she played her part convincingly. Duke hummed.
Dove returned to her flat as the sun rose, ready for a hot bath and sleep. The evening had proven a bit dull but fine enough. She sat on his lap as a good luck charm as he gambled and lost to the house. He grumbled at his highs and lows, but the man was too fixated on the hem of her dress riding up to notice her small nods to fix the table against him. Elijah would be pleased they drained the man's pockets as thoroughly as his balls.
She eased herself into the bath and let her mask drop, her sorrow and problems flooding back to etch the lines on her face. She checked herself over, wincing as her fingertips ran over the yellowed bruise on her side. A few more days and it would be gone; no longer a reminder of the bittersweet night she held Tommy Shelby.
If she closed her eyes, she could still feel the urgency, the sheer need he had when he clung to her. She had been thinking of him when she went through the motions the night before. She had been thinking about the spark in Duke Shelby’s blue eyes.
She closed her eyes and slipped her head under the water, hearing her heart beat a slow steady rhythm.
Was it love? Dove wasn't entirely sure she knew what love was, precisely. She cared. She cared for lots of people. She cared after the other whores when a man was too aggressive. She cared about the men who were regulars at the Garrison, old men that chatted with her without prejudice. She cared for Thomas Shelby, with his beautiful blue eyes and the fact he cared about his community. She thought she cared for Duke Shelby, the son who never got to meet the good parts of his father.
Dove gripped the sides of the tub and pulled herself back up, letting the air fill her lungs. The water ran down her face.
“I could have held you down,” a deep voice said.
Dove's eyes shot across the room. Elijah leaned on her doorway, a smug smile on his face. Her knuckles turned white and her breath drew shallow. Elijah surveyed Dove as her eyes darted around the room like a caged animal.
“I could have held you down,” he repeated louder, watching her squirm. “Drowned you without you even knowing I was here.”
“I'm not a threat to you,” Dove said, voice quivering. “Tommy's dead. I have nothing you want.”
“You forget your place,” he said. “You belong to me.”
“I belong to the Peaky Blinders,” she said, louder. “I know my place. Do you know yours?”
“Duke put me in charge of the bar and whores,” he retorted. “You work for me.”
“Do your job and I'll do mine,” she said as she pressed her back against the tub and pulled her knees to her chest in an attempt to cover herself. “I made plenty of money last night. Three pounds and we cleaned him out at the gambling table. What more do you want?”
Elijah walked to the tub and grabbed her face, forcing her chin up to look up at his face.
“Everything,” he said with a chuckle. “Fucking everything.”
Dove sat passively, her heart beating out of her chest. If she didn't move, maybe he'd go. It finally clicked in her head; he wasn't mad she talked to Tommy. He was mad that she jumped command. He felt slighted that she didn't fall to his feet. He wanted her fear. He wasn't looking for loyalty.
“Yessir,” she whispered finally, fighting herself to meet his eyes. Elijah nodded.
“Good,” he cleared his throat and let her go. “Back this evening, then. You keep your end and I'll keep mine.”
He pointed his finger at her.
“You ever move around me again,” he mimed, slicing his neck.
She nodded. Elijah walked back to the doorway, hesitating before turning back to her.
“You'll be moving back to days next week,” he said. “Customers like variety. Your moon tea is steeping.”
A stone fell into the pit of Dove's stomach. She nodded. Elijah waited for a moment, and once he was certain she would not protest, he left, slamming her door behind him.
Dove exhaled a shaky breath, flexing her fingers and letting go of the tub.
Day shift was a different beast from night. It was mostly American military men looking for company. There were no quick exchanges. They wanted to pretend the girls cared like their wives back home. Nights were often like large parties, slipping between customers to make large sums. Days required finding one man to bankroll your day. Military men had funds, but rarely became regulars for long. Their eyes wandered as often as their hands.
She had initially liked days. As time went on, it felt more like a burden. Nights were easier to make money in and be done.
Dove went back under the water, closing her eyes and letting it wash the interaction off of her. Elijah wanted to rule through fear. She knew the type. If he wanted a frightened mouse, she could play the part.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
funny thing about anxiety is sometimes it kind of breaks your sense of danger. like i am known for repeatedly putting myself in situations that make my friends go "bro you couldve died. werent you scared?" and the answer is 👍 yjeah. i did it scared. i do everything scared. i didnt know that was the actual important kind of scary because i usually have to ignore my fears to function in society. it will happen again. watch out.