Labcoats and Lairs

and i am so fucking horny all the time is the thing. i don't know if this shows through my art and posts but you would not believe how impossibly, incapacitatingly horny i am, as a person. like i'm not talking about boners here i mean horny as a personality trait possibly. one of God's own perverts. and with that in mind when i was a younger adult i expected i'd fall in love and have a whole lot of sex with the person i loved. and it turns out that is not!!! what most other people are looking for, and a lot of hurt for me and others resulted from miscommunication and mismatched expectations. so i started trying to re-evaluate how i go about things. i can only get involved with someone i love and nobody is in love with me and i am so, so badly horny. maybe i'm arbitrarily restricting myself? maybe i can try being okay with sharing sexual attention with very close friends and not just with strict romantic partners. and so once in a blue moon a friend's needs and mine coincide and we flirt a little bit. only online; i still feel very specifically about physical sex and i live far from everyone anyway. and i usually fall a little for them in the process and i might express that once and then keep it neatly tucked in afterwards, because that is not something people seem to enjoy hearing. and it doesn't feel very satisfying - it soothes my ego for a little bit, but it doesn't make my heart feel full, and it feels a little gross. it feels transactional, a trade of utilities. who's using who? and then i start questioning why i feel this way to begin with. why am i so strict about sex and love? i do not like at all how much this part of me lines up with tradcath ideals. do i want to own someone's body? do i just have naive notions about intimacy that i can't shake off? was this impressed upon me by a patriarchal society, perhaps through fairy tales? (i loved fairy tales as a kid.) that sort of upbringing isn't unique to me though - how come so many others didn't end up like this? other people are certainly capable of romantic love and sexual attraction and they seem to have a much healthier handle on it than me. am i just uncomfortably malleable? does this also explain my disinterest for drugs and cigarettes and alcohol? embarrassingly receptive to moralizing as a child? they didn't even have DARE in my country so what the fuck? i find myself very jealous of others who do not have to deal with any of this; people who are free to enjoy the full extent of the bodies nature gave them. i read about my friends who fuck freely; with their friends, with my other friends, with strangers; something in me whines like a dog at the table. i don't want what they have, i want their capacity for want. i want to have the internal machinery where you can simply have sex with someone and it feels good and it makes sense. and, fuck, maybe i do want what they have because i am, again, so fucking horny. i am so worryingly horny. and maybe i even wish a little bit that they wouldn't have sex with all those other people and just did it with me instead, and only me, and that last thought i feel the worst about if only for the fact that this isn't how these things work. i also do not feel very good about saying nobody falls in love with me because that is not true. it is certainly not common but at least once a year someone does confess to me. and it has never been in actionable circumstances; maybe they're married, or they're 12 years too young, or they're just kind of habitually mean. or the way they approach love and sex turns out incompatible with mine, which is a very easy thing to happen, and if we're lucky we don't find out in a stupid way. i have to keep hope that through simple statistics i'll eventually encounter someone who shares my feelings and my situation and that when this happens i won't fuck it up too badly. in the meantime i hope i can be forgiven for getting a little stir-crazy; i really did not expect it to be this hard