mmariae.

Dear you,

Read or not read, I am still going to type out my feelings. Sure, it's not something I should publish. But it's definitely something I need to release. I was spending last night typing out a letter similar to this and talking about how I felt. And yet, here I go again but this time, my emotions are getting the better of me. I'm still able to say what I need to say in a calm manner, but I am heart broken and tired of crying endlessly.

I sit here thinking where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? In what way did I disrespect you? And I wonder why. I asked myself so many questions. I drove off and sat in my car trying to find the answers. But instead, I found myself crying and hurting because truthfully, there is no proper answer. Not until you and I are able to talk face to face. Unfortunately, the only thing I can do for you is give you your space until you're ready to talk to me.

And that scares me. It's always been a fear from the day I openly admitted that I had feelings for you. I know it's been a difficult month but we've also been in difficult situations, some of which are worst than this one. And we've stayed strong because at the end of the day, we still love each other and we stayed together to make it work. Maybe it is because of the distance that we're finding this so hard. We saw each other every day and talked all the time. We got used to this lifestyle, this comfort. And now that  we've been apart, it hurts.. it's different.

Sometimes I do make it seem like I'm giving up but I haven't and I won't. I'm not writing this letter to say who was right or wrong. I'm doing this because I honestly love you so much and I want you to see that. And I could spend hours coming up with the right words but it won't come out as perfect as I want it to be. I want to be able to see your face and hug you and kiss you like I would. I want to be with you. But all I can do is wait and write to you until it is time we see each other.

Dear Mem,

Forgive me if this post becomes senseless or comes out as an emotional rant. TOM is here and I'm not a happy camper, at least not at this current moment. I have been alone for the past 4 hours and it's that feeling where thoughts attack you. I mean we're always thinking, but sometimes you don't take notice. As for me, I'm the type to over-think and take things too seriously because I'm needy.

Out of the 4 hours, I spent 2 sleeping ---- to stop thinking and make time past by before someone comes home to keep me company. But clearly, it wasn't enough to satisfy me and I've been awake waiting, thinking and becoming emotional. I'm sure it's the blood-flow doing it's hormonal shit, but when you mix these things together, it brings out more of my neediness.

I just finished typing out my birthday message to a very very close friend and it brought out so much emotion. It's scary how my moods change so quickly from one to another. But I feel a bit better because it brought back good memories.