#douchebag

aight bro, u wanna join da dumbass douchebag revulution, huh? respect, bro, cuz we out here makin gainz an thinkin' less, da right way! imma show u how to turn off ur brain an get swole, bro. no need for smart stuff, just muscles an tank tops. u ready? let’s goo, bro!

step 1: stop thinkin’ so much bro – just focus on liftin

bro, smart thots slow u down. u gotta think less an just lift more. if ur thinkin, u ain't liftin! u need to clear ur head an focus on dem muscles, bro. here’s how u do it:

how to turn ur brain off, bro:

grunt a lot – bro, when u feel a thot creepin up in ur head, just grunt. grunts block out da brain stuff. erry time u grunt, u get a lil dumber but also more swole. more grunts = more gainz.

count wrong – don't worry about counting right, bro. just do like “1… 2… uh… 10!” don’t waste brain energy on numbers, bro. just lift until ur arms feel like noodles. numbers are for nerds.

stare at urself – da more u look at urself flexin, da less u think. mirrors are key, bro. flex in da mirror for 10 mins and u’ll feel da brain fog settlin in. if u ain’t thinkin, ur winnin!

step 2: eat like a dumb bro – food for less thinkin’

bro, smart people eat complicated stuff, but we ain’t needin’ dat. we gotta keep da food simple, so da brain stays off an muscles grow, bro.

simple jock meal plan:

brekfast: 10 egg whites, bro, no yellow stuff, cuz yolk is too complicated. jus crack ‘em an cook ‘em. don’t even think bout it, just eat dem. den drink a protein shake, bro, but don’t think too hard on how much powder u put in, just pour an shake.

lunch: chicken, bro, jus chicken. u don’t need nothin fancy. jus grab some chicken and eat it. da less u think bout flavors, da better. thinkin slows down da gainz.

dinnar: more chicken, or steak if u wanna switch it up. but don’t think too much, bro, steak is jus beef chicken. eat dat, maybe add some broccoli if u feel fancy, but dats it. simple = swole.

snakks: peanut butter, right out da jar, bro. don’t even use a spoon, jus scoop it wit ur hand if u gotta. drink protein shakes whenever u think too much, dat’ll stop da smart thots.

step 3: dress like a jock, bro – look dumb, lift big

bro, ur clothes gotta scream “i don’t think, i just lift.” da right gear stops ur brain from workin' an shows erryone dat ur all about da gainz.

jock bro style:

tank tops: da less shirt, da better, bro. if ur tank ain’t showin’ ur nips, it’s too much. u worked hard for dem muscles, show ‘em off. less shirt = less thots.

short shorts: u gotta show dem legz, bro. even if u don’t work legs much, u wear da short shorts. da shorter, da less brain power u use. simple math, bro.

backwards hat: wear ur hat backwards, always. makes u look more like a badass jock, plus it keeps da brain from overheatin’. dat’s science, bro, trust me.

step 4: act like a jock bro – no thinkin, just doin

bein part of da dumbass douchebag revolution means actin like u own da world, bro. don’t let smart people get in ur way, jus be loud and confident, like errywhere u go is ur gym.

how to act, bro:

flex errywhere: see a mirror? flex. don’t even think twice, just do it. flexin' is like a brain reset, it turns off any smart thots u might accidentally have.

talk bout liftin all da time: bro, if someone tryna talk bout somethin' else, jus say “yo bro, how much u bench tho?” dat’ll stop da convo from gettin smart. always bring it back to da gym, bro. liftin' is life.

grunt loud af: grunt whenever u do stuff, not just in da gym. grunt when u lift, grunt when u open a door, grunt when u stand up. it shows ur serious about bein' a jock bro an it keeps ur brain from thinkin’.

conclusion: welcome to da revolution, bro

headers: @strangergraphics-archive

pairings: sam x f!reader, stanford!sam, nerd!reader, jealous!sam, yk the rest

genre: fluff, studying ew, not established, jealousy, mentions of non-consensual touching, a guy called theo being a knobhead, p in v smut but it's v ambiguous and vague, idk anymore, live laugh love

words: 3.1k

author's note: first sam fic yippee!! pls enjoy this, and let's just admire how cute sam was all the way back in s1 and can anyone spot the led zeppelin reference??!! and sorry for any mistakes!! <{•_•}>

masterlist here!!

you were sat in one of stanford's study halls, listening to the light evening rain and trying to focus on a text for an upcoming exam. it wasn't going very well, though, due to a number of reasons: you'd forgotten your glasses in your dormitory and you were too tired to go back and get them; a headache was quickly developing behind your eyes from not wearing your glasses and staring at your laptop screen all afternoon; and worst of all, the unresistable sam winchester was sat at the table in front of you, facing you, but unlike yourself, he was rather focused on his pre-law textbook. even though you were best friends, you two had agreed to study alone when exams were coming up, because if you ended up 'studying' together, then nothing at all would get done as you'd be too busy talking or laughing or playing video games. so that's why he was currently sat infront of you, unknowingly taunting you.

when your headache would occasionally swell and thump in time to your heart beat, you'd glance up to see sam engrossed in whatever he was reading about, but he never looked up. of course he wouldn't. being his best friend, you could tell he had his eye on jessica. who wouldn't, though, as she was gorgeous and totally sam's type, but you—you were nothing like jessica at all, the complete opposite.

but as you were debating giving up and returning home, someone sidled up to you. it was theo, one of your 'friends'. he was in the same classes as you, and while you thought he was okay as a friend, your other friends kept telling you that theo was really into you. sometimes he would talk to you when you just wanted some peace and quiet, and no matter how many hints you gave him to go away, he was either oblivious or ignorant to them all.

theo wasn't a bad person, you justified, but you'd gone to a party at the start of this school year and you'd seen him in the corner with a drink in his hand. while you'd smiled politely, it was obvious he'd taken it at something else. looking back now, you shouldn't have even looked the side he was on, but he'd come over and started talking with you, handing you a drink of something that smelt awful that you definitely weren't going to drink. before you knew it, he was getting touchy—it wasn't anything big, just a few grabs at your waist, a hand on the shoulder, and his fingers reaching out to grasp your hair, but you were far from comfortable.

thankfully, a friend had come over and taken one look at your uncomfortable expression before pushing theo away. you'd taken this as your sign to go home early. theo didn't try following you home, thank god, but the thought had been floating around in your head. he was the type, after all.

so theo came and sat next to you — too close, in your opinion, but he would never listen to you — and he reached out to close your laptop screen. the laptop was on loan from the school, and it was set up in a way so that if you closed the screen, it would automatically log you out and anything that you didn't save would be lost.

you watched him close your laptop with your eyebrows furrowed and your mouth turned down. if you weren't so sure on him before, now you definitely didn't like him.

"so, i bought you your favourite chocolate bar," theo said, shoving a hershey's in your hand and patting you on your shoulder.

"oh, thanks, but hershey's isn't—" you were cut off by theo.

"so whatcha workin' on?"

"just some studying for the upcoming exam—"

"that's brilliant, but you know what? i think studying undermines your ability to work under pressure. y'know what they say, diamonds are formed under pressure, so why not put it to the test? also, why study when you can go out drinking and partying and meet new women? studying is a waste of time and it's boring. but, anyway, each to their own, right? if you wanna study, then study, but there's this party tonight and i would just love it if you came."

"oh, that's great, but i have a headache—"

"so, you'll come, right?" he asked, but you got the feeling it wasn't so much a question as a statement.

"uh, i don't know—" for what seemed like the millionth time, he cut you off.

"perfect! i'll see you at mine at nine. don't study too much," he said, winking at you which made you feel extremely uncomfortable.

"great. i don't even like hershey's," you said to yourself, opening your laptop to see the damage. luckily, you'd saved your work a minute before theo arrived, so you'd only lost a couple of sentences. you quickly rewrote them before sighing and looking around the room.

your headache rapidly swelled to something unbearable, so you gathered your things up and you walked towards the hall's large doors before dropping the hershey's bar in a nearby bin. then you headed out into the heavy rain that had just started up. it was due to stay the whole night, according to the CNN newsreader this morning, so you'd better get home as soon as you could. you tugged your jumper's hood over your head as you all but ran back home.

you decided to try again with studying at home, even with your headache, so, after you'd changed out of your waterlogged clothes, you swallowed down some tablets and cracked the books open again.

about half an hour in, with the rain getting heavier and heavier, a hurried knock came at your door.

"sam?" you asked, swinging the door open to see his drenched form.

"hey," he said with a grin. his hair was sticking to his forehead.

there was an awkward moment of silence where you both just stared at each other. then sam cleared his throat.

"oh, sorry, do you wanna come in?" you asked, opening the door wider and then closing it behind him as he gently stepped into your room.

he stepped in, holding out his hand. "i brought this for you."

in his hand was a chocolate bar, but this time it wasn't a hershey's, it was your actual favourite chocolate bar.

"oh, sam, you didn't have to."

"well, i saw that douchebag give you a hersheys and i know you hate them, so..." he explained, trailing off as he stood with his hands in his pockets.

"oh, he's just a friend. he means well," you said, giving him a warm smile.

sam rolled his eyes. "just a friend? does he know that? i saw him shut your laptop, i hope he didn't ruin your work."

"no, it was just a few sentences, nothing big. but thank you, sam, i mean it."

"it's just what friends do," he said, shrugging his shoulder.

right, friends.

"yeah, of course," you said, ignoring the elephant in the room.

"but you should stay away from him," he continued. "he looks like a creep."

"i know, but he just keeps finding his way back into my life. anyway," you said, changing the subject. "did you want to stay? i was trying to study but i've got a headache, so i'll probably just end up watching tv or something."

"um, i mean, i was gonna say i'll study but we both know i'd end up watching tv with you," he laughed.

"tv it is then," you said, smiling and going to sit on your bed. "i don't have any snacks but we can share the candy bar you gave me, if you want."

sam's eyes lit up at your suggestion as he sat next to you, thighs touching. "yeah, i mean, it is my favourite too."

"really? how did i not know this?!" you exclaimed, snapping the candy bar in two and handing a piece to sam. "so what do you wanna watch?"

your headache had gotten worse halfway through the terrible movie you had put on randomly, so you squinted at the screen of the tv on your set of drawers opposite the bed whilst trying to take some deep breaths. even though sam seemed okay, he had been too busy glancing at you every so often to actually understand the movie's plot.

"you okay?" sam asked, watching wriggle around next to him.

"yeah, i'm fine."

"you don't look it. do you need some more tablets?"

"i can't take any more for two hours," you replied.

he nodded, pausing before saying, "this movie is terrible, isn't it?"

"yeah," you laughed. "i don't know why i chose it, it's shite."

"turn it off," he suggested. "i can go if you want, and you can get some sleep—"

"no," you interrupted, not wanting him to leave you, but you did switch the tv off. "you can stay. i won't be able to sleep, anyway, i had a coffee not too long ago," you lied.

"oh, okay," he said, silence following his words.

as you were thinking about what to say next, he placed his hand purposefully next to your thigh before slowly, brushing his fingers against your skin. then he placed his hand lightly on your thigh. you held your breath as you stared at his hand, feeling heat rise to your cheeks. what was he planning?

"you okay there?" he asked again, but he knew exactly what he was doing to you.

"yeah, i'm fine," you squeaked out. he watched you intently, eyes never leaving your face.

the second you decided to make eye contact with him, his breath hitched and he took a deep breath. he leaned forward.

"tell me if you don't like this," he whispered, eyes searching yours. you would never tell him to stop.

you decided to move forward yourself and close the distance, but in the process, you knocked heads with him and you both separated with giggles. he looked at you whilst laughing before grabbing your face and finally kissing you. it was slow, it was sweet, it was everything you'd ever dreamed of—yes, of course you'd had fantasies in your sleep about sam, who wouldn't?

then you pulled apart, breathless, before going back in for more, this time it was more heated. one of his hands stayed at your cheek but the other wandered down to your waist. his fingers slipped underneath the hem of your shirt, brushing the skin as his teeth gently bit your bottom lip.

you grabbed his shirt in your fist and you pulled him down to lay over you, slotting him between your thighs. he slipped his tongue in your mouth to quicken the kiss, running his hands up your sides.

sa, paused to catch his breath and you ran your hands over his hair, taking in his widened pupils, swollen lips, and messy hair.

"you're gorgeous, y'know."

"so are you," he replied, his cheeks turning red.

"come here, baby," you said, guiding his lips to yours, this time slower and more romantic.

he rolled you both over so you were straddling him. you broke apart and sat up, smirking slightly as you slowly unzipped his brown hoodie.

he crossed his arms behind his head, watching you intently as you were now moving on to unbutton his shirt.

"sammy," you said, calling him the nickname only his brother dean was allowed to use—but it seemed he was now going to let you use it too. you splayed your hands over his bare chest. "you'd better call the firefighters, 'cause you're smokin' hot."

he let out a loud, bright laugh, sitting up and meeting you for another slow kiss. he sneakily pulled your t-shirt over your head mid-kiss as you were too busy to notice you were still clothed. he leaned back in but you pushed him away as you stood up to unbutton your jeans, leaving you in your underwear. he shrugged off his jeans before grabbing you by the waist and kissing you again, his hands now touching your bare skin. he towered over you as he caressed your face and your body with his large hands.

he pulled away again, panting as he asked, "do you- uh, wanna?"

your eyes narrowed in playfulness before you nodded, saying, "yes, of course, sammy."

he rubbed your cheek with his thumb before leading you over to the bed and laying you down whilst he climbed over you.

"you sure?" he asked again, his hands finding your hips and rubbing the skin there ever so slightly.

"yes, please," you replied, conscious of the now-prominent pressure growing in your lower stomach.

he undid your bra with one hand, surprising you. then he pulled your underwear off with a slowness that was agonising before giving you a very toothy grin. then without warning, he pushed a finger in, curling it upwards and into your sweet spot.

you immediately arched your back at the feeling, letting out a loud sigh that was verging on a moan, and when you opened your eyes, sam was smiling to himself. you could feel the pressure coming to a head already. his fingers were better than your own.

another finger was added and you let out a proper moan this time, your eyes becoming half-lidded. sam leaned forward as his fingers curled again and he met your lips for a teeth-clashing kiss as you sighed into his mouth and screwed your eyes shut.

"oh, god, sammy," you moaned, feeling his fingers curl.

"s'okay," he said. "just wanna get you ready."

you moaned instead of answering, seeing stars behind your eyelids. then with no warning, he pushed himself into you. your noises got louder and mixed with sam's quiet grunts as you arched your back into sam who was now hovering over you.

"you okay?" he asked, brushing your hair out of your face.

"yeah, just- just move," you managed to say before you felt him move slightly. you grabbed onto his shoulders and wrapped your legs around his hips. he moved some more, pressing kisses to your neck as you whined. you felt a sharp sensation just below your jaw but you were too dazed and confused with the pleasure to ask sam if he'd just marked you up.

by the time he had achieved a steady pace, you were on the brink of the pressure inside you snapping.

"sam, i'm-" you cut yourself off with a loud moan.

"i know, baby, me too," he said into your neck, his hair tickling your face. "where-"

"inside," you interrupted. you were on the pill and you could always take a morning-after pill to be sure, but you didn't want to think about that now as you just had to feel it. feel him.

then he sped up a bit and changed his angle slightly, and the coil inside you snapped. you let out the loudest moan you'd ever heard yourself make as you realised sam had reached his high at the same time. he groaned into your shoulder, pressing his teeth lightly to the skin there. stars exploded behind your eyelids again and sam pressed a messy kiss to your open mouth as he rode out your highs.

sam moved himself off you, pulling out of you and rolling to the side. you were both panting. he pulled you into his chest, kissing the hickey he'd just made and scratching your back lightly.

after five minutes, he asked, "you wanna shower?"

"with you, yeah." at your words, he moved out from behind you and slipped into your en suite. you heard the shower come to life a few seconds later.

he came back to the bed, helping you up and guiding you to the bathroom.

he didn't try anything in the shower, he just helped you wash your hair and clean yourself up before using some of your lavender shampoo to wash his hair.

"you're gonna smell delectable," you said, watching him wash the shampoo off his hair.

he grinned at you before pressing a kiss to your temple.

after you'd both dried off, you both climbed into your bed under the covers. you sprawled over sam's bare chest, listening to his heart whilst he stroked your damp hair gently.

"you know," you began, murmuring. "i think you got rid of my headache."

he smiled, saying, "that's because i'm magic."

"mm," you hummed. "you definitely felt like magic. i can't believe it took us this long."

"well, i thought that guy- what's his name? theo? i thought he was after you so i stepped back."

"ew, no, he gives me the creeps. he tried stuff with me ages ago but—"

"tried 'stuff'?" he interrupted, craning his neck to look at you. he blinked and his mouth drew into a harsh line. his jealousy was there again.

"yeah, he, uh, we were at this party and he was grabbing me but my friend saved me. it's fine."

his eyebrows furrowed, his arm curling around your waist protectively. he whispered your name, saying, "it's not fine, though. and if he's still hanging around and giving you the wrong chocolate bar, i guess he hasn't got your message?"

"no he hasn't. he actually invited me to a party tonight. he said it was better than studying as studying's 'a waste of time' and that 'diamonds are formed under pressure'."

"wow. what a douchebag." you glanced up at sam as he spoke, seeing the gears turning in his head and noticing the look in his eyes—one of anger, revenge, and protectiveness.

"sam," you said, gaining his attention. "don't do anything to him. i know he's a dickhead but he just can't read the room or understand what boundaries are, that's all."

"and that's exactly why he needs some sense shaking into him. i can't just let him carry on, i can't just let him do 'stuff' to countless other girls. if he's done things to you once before, he won't be afraid to do it again."

"sam, i just don't want you to get hurt or get in trouble. i care, you know."

"yeah, but he needs to be taught a lesson in respect."

"well, have your way with him then, but don't touch him—just shout, or something. you're pretty scary when you're angry."

sam smiled, but the anger never left his eyes. stupid theo, he though as he pulled you closer and kissed the top of your head. but he would wait until tomorrow to think about theo, as right now he should be admiring how soft you looked against his chest with your eyes closed.