touch! that! mold!

Do you wanna play mermaids? Yay. Okay so my tail is light blue and I have ice powers. And I live in the Arctic sea and watch British sailors die horrible deaths while trying to find the Northwest Passage.

If anyone feels like a failure, just know that two years ago we were offered a book deal by Penguin Random House but did not realise because we never checked our DMs and by the time we finally read the message the offer had expired.

Two years later we cold emailed penguin and they said we can still write the book. Which is a bit of a problem because now we have to learn how to write a book.

I Was So Good And Polite They Are Putting Me In The Touch Tank At Aquarium Tomorrow.

everyone more pretentious than me is an insufferable poseur and everyone less pretentious than me is a clueless philistine

reading a good interesting book after a horrible reading slump and suddenly you can feel the sun shining again and the sky is more beautiful than ever and birds are all singing songs to you

mymusician... oughh my little bug [remembers parasocial relationships are bad] [remembers infantilization is bad] this complete stranger is their own huge bug

yo get off your ass i need you to come up front and call a customer the f slur for me i cant reclaim it

People comment on posts like they're the first person on the planet earth to tell you about nuance

not everyone does that. it depends

Hanging out with people will make you remember you're the crazy woke friend for like. not wanting to shop at shien

Ok. What you're gonna want to do is chop up a cucumber and put it in a bowl. Then you're gonna sprinkle a generous portion of salt on top. Then you're gonna drizzle them with a balsamic vinaigrette and gently shake to combine, leaving you with a cool and refreshing summer snack. In 15 seconds dangerous and burly men are going to drag me away to an unknown second location. Remember everything I've taught you. I love you