#dearmem

Dear you,

Read or not read, I am still going to type out my feelings. Sure, it's not something I should publish. But it's definitely something I need to release. I was spending last night typing out a letter similar to this and talking about how I felt. And yet, here I go again but this time, my emotions are getting the better of me. I'm still able to say what I need to say in a calm manner, but I am heart broken and tired of crying endlessly.

I sit here thinking where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? In what way did I disrespect you? And I wonder why. I asked myself so many questions. I drove off and sat in my car trying to find the answers. But instead, I found myself crying and hurting because truthfully, there is no proper answer. Not until you and I are able to talk face to face. Unfortunately, the only thing I can do for you is give you your space until you're ready to talk to me.

And that scares me. It's always been a fear from the day I openly admitted that I had feelings for you. I know it's been a difficult month but we've also been in difficult situations, some of which are worst than this one. And we've stayed strong because at the end of the day, we still love each other and we stayed together to make it work. Maybe it is because of the distance that we're finding this so hard. We saw each other every day and talked all the time. We got used to this lifestyle, this comfort. And now that  we've been apart, it hurts.. it's different.

Sometimes I do make it seem like I'm giving up but I haven't and I won't. I'm not writing this letter to say who was right or wrong. I'm doing this because I honestly love you so much and I want you to see that. And I could spend hours coming up with the right words but it won't come out as perfect as I want it to be. I want to be able to see your face and hug you and kiss you like I would. I want to be with you. But all I can do is wait and write to you until it is time we see each other.

Dear Mem,

It has yet again been a long time since I posted something worth ranting over. I've been literally busy with two jobs and an unorganized pre-requisite course to be accepted into practical nursing. I have not been myself in the last two weeks. I've been OVERLY selfish, jealous, irritated, mad, sick.. and I'm so tired of it. I've broken down crying because the stress level is so high that I find that I can't handle it as great as I used to.

But I'm glad it'll be over in a matter of days. I just need to pull myself together to make it work out. And I thank those I've talked to about how stressed out I am. I know it doesn't sound as fucked up as it would for others, but even the smallest conversations help me stay sane. And even more special thanks to my babe. He's put up with me so much that I don't understand how he chooses to stay with me in the state that I've been lately. God, I'm such a bitch sometimes.

Anyway, I should get off this and get to studying.

I'm stressing myself over and over again.. How? How do I move on from it? Why am I letting it bother me this much?

I feel so distant.

My hands are shaking and my head hurts. Goosebumps all over my body. I feel sick.

How do I convince myself that I'm okay?

Dear Mem,

I am deeply in love. I wish there was a better way to express this but no words can par up to how I feel. Like how he felt writing in my Valentine's card, I can sit here for hours and think about the right words to explain my feelings, but I am left speechless and amazed by how much love I have for him.

It's been another long while since I posted. And I find that I always have a reason to post when my mind can no longer hold it all in. I have so little go-to friends/family and I pick and choose who to speak to because I'm afraid.

I feel like I'm in a constant battle and I'm inexperienced with it. I feel that asking for help or someone to hear me out would either judge me or make someone else look like the "bad guy." And that makes me hold it all in. I cried. But I haven't cried it all out. Does that make sense? I broke down crying because I'm currently all alone at home. And no one has to see me break down. No one should.

I stepped out and took a breather.

I feel a bit better now. It's nice. Maybe I am a lucky one --- as much as I do feel like I'm right at the bottom and I'm beating myself up, I'm still holding on. And I hear myself say that so many times because it's true. I still hold on because I do believe it will get better. I don't want to go back to thinking the way I used to. I have my slip ups but I know very well that it's not what I want. And being able to hold on to that little hope is getting me farther than I thought I would ever get. I have to stay strong, for him and myself.

I won't give up.

Not too long ago, I broke out in tears listening to an acapella group sing "I'll Make Love to You." And instantly, I asked my boyfriend to come hug me even though he was still getting ready for work. But he did. And I thank him for that. I'm not entirely too sure why I cried.. I've spent most of the time thinking back to what my thoughts were. All that ran through my mind aside from the 'feels' of the song was him, us.

And hugging him made them tears run more. No bad thoughts. You know that feeling where you have this build up and you can't help but just break down? And that feeling when you know you're loved and you love back, unable to contain your feelings? I think that's what happened.

My mind is in a continuous loop of negativity, jealousy, anger, frustration, guilt, etc. My mind takes its sweet ass time to realize what good I have going for me. And just that one song, in an instant, made me realize how truly strong my feelings are for him. It just sucks that I don't express it as greatly as I possibly can. Can anyone really?