It also gets tricky with things like⌠(Warning, this ramble is kind of long and veers off on a few tangents for the purpose of explaining what Iâm building from and toward but even though some parts look like theyâre getting critical theyâre not meant to be destructive; please read to the end.)
Plenty of men (not all, of course, but enough to acknowledge this dilemma) hear about âmale privilegeâ, but do not live what they consider âprivilegedâ lives (maybe theyâre poor, disabled, often belittled at a grueling job, etc). And given itâs hard to explain the absence of something one has never been without, they donât believe or understand that this is a real thing. They hear âmale privilegeâ as âyou automatically live A Privileged Lifeâ and they think âno I fucking donâtâ, rather than understanding it as âyou can still have problems but those problems would very likely be even worse if you were also not-maleâ.
So then people when people criticize toxic behaviors that to them seem harmless and normal, they feel attacked for âno good reasonâ or feel people are just âexaggerating the truthâ or even âmaking up shit to be mad aboutâ. Even if itâs not aimed at them. I said âPlenty of men, (not all, of course)â rather than just âMenâ above because even though in context they would mean exactly the same thing, many would read the latter as âAll men, including and especially you reading thisâ and immediately feel attacked.Â
If you say âPlease donât make comments like that, they come across as kind of sexistâ, many people (not limited to men at all) will hear âYou as a person are a consistently raging misogynist and I hate youâ rather than âthe thing you are currently saying has some issues, even though, assuming you arenât a stranger Iâve just bumped into, I do care about you as a personâ. If you say âMen tend to interrupt and talk over women a lot and it needs to stopâ, many will hear âAll men need to shut up forever because only womenâs voices matter.â If you say âI want to hear more womenâs voicesâ, plenty will hear the same as above.
And this is flawed logic born of arrogance and other negative traits, but the thing is, most of the time those arenât conscious active decisions. People donât wake up and think âI should be a self-absorbed asshole today, that sounds great!â What feels self-absorbed from the other side is generally a mixture of ignorance (itâs difficult to empathize with something when youâve never experienced comparable situations or donât understand that someone elseâs situation actually is comparable to or worse than something youâve experienced that they havenât) and how people were raised.Â
This is, again, not at all limited to men. The same trends pop up with any majority group. White people, cis people, straight people, etc. There are definitely openly hateful murderous assholes in the world, but many if not most more casual transgressions are born of ignorance, misinformation, and societal ingraining. It does, I feel, get even more complicated in the case of âmen (mostly but not solely cis men) vs women and everyone else including some insufficiently âmanlyâ menâ firstly because the above statement tends to get oversimplified into âmen vs womenâ, and second because once the smaller minorities are erased from the equation, âwomenâ are not seen as âa minorityâ in the same way as other groups because âhow could they be as half the worldâs population?â + âwomen in other countries actually have it bad so the problems here must be petty or just made upâ. Itâs particularly difficult to break past that kind of logic when it âfeelsâ solid and so many others provide validation by agreeing.
But that is, as much as people want to be angry, not any individual manâs fault.
Sure, he kind of âchoosesâ to buy into it, but why wouldnât he? Can you genuinely realistically expect a handful of social awareness arguments to change a lifetime of conditioning? Unfortunately, no. Or not completely. There may be rare exceptions, sure. And some folks are raised differently than others! And some are easily convinced by some arguments and just not all arguments. This is, yet again, ânot all menâ and of those it does include it is not painting all with the same brush. Some have tiny flecks of internalized misogyny, entirely unnoticeable aside from a rare vibe their words get sometimes. Some have one prominent stroke on an otherwise blank canvas, never an issue until That One Topic comes up. Some are messy and gross, some are clean and organized, etc.
But all in all, the point is:
When men (or anyone, but for the purposes of this particular topic men) feel attacked by people who mean wellâ even if theyâre genuinely in the wrong, even whether the man in question is just genuinely confused and coming across as patronizing in an effort to ask questions and educate himself or is grossly ignorant and spouting some incredibly harmful bullshit that he has no idea is hurting as many people as it is as much as it isâ those feelings are still real.
And when you tell men they need to be open about their feelings, there is always the possibility that feelings like this will come up. Iâve semi-focused on âvs women and othersâ but if, for instance, the man is also straight, he may genuinely feel hurt and attacked by being excluded from gay spaces. He very likely does not understand why those spaces are needed, and/or may have been raised to value toxic masculine ideas that say safe spaces are for babies and if you donât force yourself to deal with uncomfortable situations youâre inferior for it, etc.
When you tell them to be open about their feelings, you might find some of those feelings rooted in a societally ingrained sense of entitlement, misinformation, bandwagon bigotry, strawman arguments theyâve fallen for, etc, etc, etc.Â
But if a child is upset because their friend said Santa Claus was dumb and ugly, you donât tell the child âget over it, Santa isnât real anywayâ. You acknowledge that theyâre hurt even though the reason for that hurt is objectively absurd from a more informed standpoint. If a person is upset over misunderstanding something their spouse said, you might try to help explain what they meant, but if theyâre still upset you still try to comfort them.
To be supportive is not always as simple as âdonât worry youâre valid and Iâm here for youâ. It is, very often, trying to ride a careful line between acknowledging the other personâs feelings and trying to stick to the truth and your own morals, too, even when those things clash. Itâs trying to figure out how to dispel bad information and educate people without making them feel more attacked or stupid or belittled and it is incredibly fucking difficult no matter who youâre talking to and no matter what youâre talking about if conflicts of ideals get involved.
And I can sit back and acknowledge all the complexities at work in this effect, but as far as how to actually navigate them effectively, my life would be a lot easier if I knew. In my experience, a lot of it just boils down to trying your best, trying to ignore certain subjects you know will cause fights which admittedly is counterintuitive to the âbe completely openâ narrative but âbe open about a lot of things but maybe not all thingsâ is still an improvement at least, and just lucking into finding people who have a similar enough system of values and/or thought processes to you (not in that you already have the same feelings but in that youâre capable of processing information in similar or complementary ways as opposed to wildly clashing unproductive ways) to be able to have constructive conversations when needed.
As such, all I can really say is: do your best to be aware of and prepared for this sort of thing when inviting people to open up to you, and good luck.
