Iâve known queer people who became uncomfortable with going to certain gay bars because they got sexually harassed by straight women on a regular basis. The straight women would decide they wanted to go out for a fun night without being hit on and sexually harassed by straight men, which is fine, but then they went into gay spaces and did the same thing to the queer men there because they decided that since theyâre gay and itâs not âreal,â it doesnât matter, and itâs perfectly okay to touch strangers, make sexual comments at them, and generally harass them. Meanwhile, my queer friends felt like their nights were ruined because they couldnât just have a drink with their group and dance a little without being touched and approached by women who made creepy comments, didnât respect their space, and wouldnât leave them alone.
Most of them liked women. But they werenât there for that. And the ones who genuinely wanted to find other men to flirt with didnât feel like they could do so because the straight women wouldnât stop gawking at them, staring, and treating the entire bar like a petting zoo. This happened multiple times in different states and bars.
So if you have a gay bars with a bunch of straight women and no gay men, chances are the gay are gone because the straight women drove them out.
Iâve brought straight female friends to gay bars before because I knew they could handle it respectfully, and we had no issues. But thatâs different because they came with a queer friend/friends, and because they werenât there with a whole group of other straight women who didnât know how to act.
The issue is that if youâre a straight woman coming into a gay bar, you need to recognize that that is not your space. Itâs not for you. Youâre allowed to be there and no one is stopping you, but you are not who is being catered to and the other people there do not exist for your entertainment. You need to respect that itâs their space and youâre a guest, and treat them with respect. Donât touch or comment on them in ways you wouldnât want straight men touching or commenting on you. Leave people alone if theyâre not interested, and donât insert yourself into conversations youâre not a part of. Donât touch strangers unless they explicitly ask you to. Youâre going to see a lot of people acting gay, men flirting with men, people you think of as men wearing makeup and feminine or flamboyant clothing (not all of them are actually men), drag artists, visibly trans people, and, in some cases, male burlesque dancers, strippers, or workers/patrons doing sexy dances for the entertainment of men. Donât bother attending if you arenât capable of seeing all of that without gawking at all the overt queerness and making everyone else feel like they canât safely express themselves or enjoy those things without you getting weird about it.
If youâre a woman in a queer space, there is a non-zero chance that another woman or someone you percieve as a woman will show up and try to flirt with you. There arenât many lesbian bars, and sometimes, queer women who are friends with queer men or other gender diverse queer people will go to regular gay bars because thatâs the space they have where they can go out and be queer. You can politely explain that youâre not interested, but you donât get to be offended that a queer person in a queer space assumed you were queer and found you attractive.
I think a lot of straight women think theyâre automatically friends with the gates and welcome in our spaces because theyâre straight women with more or less progressive politics, and theyâve seen a lot of media that makes them feel like thereâs automatic solidarity between them. But having that relationship to the queer community requires you to view them with respect, and not as an accessory or pure entertainment.
I have several straight friends who are so welcome in queer spaces that they may as well be queer. Two of my best friends are a husband and wife who regularly engage in and even plan and host events that spotlight queer performers and are attended by largely queer crowds; the husband likes to put on elaborate events with performers, ans many of the performers end up being drag and burlesque artists simply because he makes decisions based purely on who is best suited to the event, and many people who apply are drag and burlesque artists of all genders. Sometimes, in connection with larger events, he helps organize drag shows that are hosted by trans members of the community.
No one I know has ever said anything about feeling like theyâre intruding or making people uncomfortable by being present and visibly straight, and itâs because theyâre respectful and appreciative of queer culture and identities. They genuinely respect the art of drag and burlesque performers that they actively choose to give platforms to. They explicitly ban behavior and costumes that may come across as hateful (e.g. nazi-inspired costumes and armbands will get you kocked out). They allow queer people to step in and be the face of events where appropriate. Theyâre there because they have queer friends that they love and because the community and subculture theyâre a part of, while not explicitly a queer community (itâs just the local goth scene), is full of queer people, and engaging with that community means engaging with queer culture.
I donât think straight people should be banned from queer spaces, but when you show up, you have to be respectful. And straight women who hold and attend Bachelorette parties at gay bars seldom are.
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