okay so we all understand that sexual attraction doesn't always lead to sex. are we ready to consider that romantic attraction doesn't always lead to romance.
and i dont mean this in a "its for your own good we dont date" way, or a "they got turned down and are still friends" way, i mean it in a "there is romantic attraction present but the one experiencing it doesnt want to do anything with it" way. am i making sense. are you hearing the words im saying. it wont fucking kill you if you dont act on it. like obviously you should probably communicate it someday but you dont have to let it dictate you or consume you. its just a feeling.
I've had multiple hook up partners who were clearly very into my personality and stuff in a more than just sexual way, but knew I was aromantic so they'd just bend over backwards to say that they were so into me platonically, only platonically, they thought I was sooooo cool but only in a friend way. And it just was obviously not true. And I had to be like "hey. You are allowed to be romantically attracted to me, you know? That's a feeling. You don't control your feelings. Me being aromantic doesn't mean you're supposed to somehow stop having certain feelings? That isn't how it works? And you're not a dick for having feelings? You're only a dick if you expect them to be reciprocated or for them to turn into an actual romantic relationship when I made it clear that wouldn't happen from the start."
Like. It really troubles me that people apparently think they aren't supposed to have feelings for aromantic people because that implies they can't actually wrap their head around having romantic feelings and then not doing anything about it. And that's like. Really really troubling from a consent perspective.
Like. Alloromantics really don't seem to have the concept of "feeling romantic attraction and just not doing anything about it and seeing it as morally neutral because it's just a feeling" and I think that's a huge problem.
I'm just gonna add - without elaborating much - that this same idea is a huge thing in sexual attraction as well.
If you're into rape kink, you MUST want to act on it, so you MUST be a risk to other people you interact with in your day to day life.
If you're into being in a dominant position you must be abusive.
If you're into certain fantasy monsters you can't be left alone near pets.
But even just on a more common scale. A man sexually attracted to women must have to act on that and is thus a risk to women - instead of being capable of learning to accept a no, like any other living being. And so on.
Also, you can have romantic attraction to someone, realize it's not a good idea to pursue or dwell on it for whatever reason, and choose to keep it to yourself and let it die down. Maybe that means avoiding situations that trigger it, maybe not.
Developing romantic feelings towards a teacher? A friend in a committed relationship? Your coworker who is at a different stage in life? An emotionally unavailable or even toxic friend you know you couldn't be happy with? A boss with whom a relationship couldn't be ethical? Someone you love deeply who doesn't share your feelings and just wants to be friends?
You can just say no. Those feelings may not go away instantly, and it may be painful for you, but you don't have to make them the other person's problem. You don't have to hurt yourself by pining and feeding into it. You don't have to act on it. You can accept that, for whatever reason, it won't happen, and you can be content with that or find a way to address the feelings that doesn't place the responsibility for them or the burden of them on the other person. You have to respect their boundaries. If that means ending a friendship or finding another job because you're incapable of treating them normally, then that sucks and, depending on the nature of your relationship, a conversation may be warranted so they understand why you're leaving, but it's not fair to them OR you to cling to those feelings or press at boundaries.



















