MISS VORTEX

A satirical take on a beloved memory for 90s kids

Let’s face it, if you don’t recognise the above image, your childhood probably sucked.

As a kid in the 90s, I can’t imagine what growing up would have been like without the joys of sitting in front of my clunky Windows 98 and virtually meandering through a heavily pixilated maze on a daily basis. It’s what I looked forward to most when I came home from school. Screw seeing friends and watching Cartoon Network, I was all about racing down those halls and bouncing off wafer-thin brick walls until I got to the smiley face. I HAD to reach that smiley face.

One night I didn’t reach the smiley face and my mum put some potato smiles on my plate for dinner. The trauma was too much. The potato smiles were staring menacingly at me, mocking me. I cried and ran out the room.

For us kids, the maze was more than just a screensaver — it was a way to test our telepathic abilities. If we stared at the screen long enough until we almost burst a blood vessel, we could navigate the maze left, right, forward, until we reached the smiley face. Me and my friend tried it after school — but we still kept bumping into gargantuan 2D rats and dead ends.

So this is for all my sisters - be proud of who you are, continue to support each other, and continue to crush the patriarchy! ️✊🏻✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿

As the oldest and most popular awards show the Academy Awards has a duty to use its platform to give a voice to those who have previously felt silenced."

You're freezing in your house because the Tories won't tax billion-pound energy giants.

Your Christmas gift is delayed in the post because Royal Mail bosses who make £758m in profits believe that a measly 2% pay rise is enough for their posties.

You might not be able to visit your family over Christmas because although train companies can hand over £500m to shareholders, they just can't seem to find the money to pay railway staff fairly.

The freshwater crab tank was teeming with vibrant crustaceans - hues of purple, blue, yellow and red shimmered as the crabs scuttled over rocks and sand.

"This is great!" Mel said excitedly, zooming in for a close-up on the colourful critters.

Kat was chewing loudly on some Haribo gummy sweets and held the open bag out to Mel.

"No thanks," Mel responded, "you know I can't eat those, right?"

"Why? They're not meat."

"No, but the gelatin in them is crushed up animal bones and skin and urghh-" she shuddered, "this is why I'm vegan."

"Oh," Kat responded as they moved to the lobster tank, "still, it's hard to find vegan sweets. And no offence, but they probably taste like shit. I don't think I could go vegan."

"Why? Lemme guess - you couldn't give up meat?"

"I don't think so. Well, I definitely wouldn't give up fish - they don't even feel pain, do they?"

Mel laughed as she crouched down to record a pair of beautiful blue European lobsters.

"What?" Kat protested, pointing at the lobsters, "Are you seriously telling me you think they feel pain?"

"I don't think. I know… lobsters have complex nervous systems and they avoid experiences where they previously felt pain. They mate for life, too."

Read the full story here:

Dear friends,

I have published a short story titled 'One Afternoon at the Aquarium' - Synopsis: "The lives of three pairs of people are forever changed during a visit to the Aquarium". 🐠🦈🦀🐙🌊

My story looks at characters of different ages and walks of life and integrates subjects such as animal rights, LGBTQ relationships and feminism. A ton of cool marine animal characters are in there too! People who have read the story have said they found it very funny as well as heartwarming.

It would mean oceans to me if you took 15 minutes out of your day to read my story and also share it with your friends as I have submitted this as part of a competition and the more views it gets, the more likely it is to be noticed by judges!

I think I preferred the friendly dudes in Bug's Life...