#landfill

He really isn't. There's nothing wrong with looking up the menu of the new restaurant his friends are dragging him out to. He just likes to be prepared. 

It's a habit, one that he picked up years ago and never quite shook off. And, really, it's smart. Right? Being prepared? Seungmin doesn't want to inconvenience anyone by taking too long to order when they're at the table. He just wants to know what he's walking into... so he doesn't have to stress.

He's not doing anything wrong. Not trying to look up nutrition facts or anything, even if his eyes flick to the numbers written in tiny script every now and then. But he doesn't really care about them.

…But should he? Would it look bad to order something with an egregious number of calories? Maybe it would be fine as long as he doesn't finish it.

“Seungmin? Hellooo?” 

His head snaps up, eyes meeting Felix's curious gaze from the adjacent car seat. The older is waving a hand in front of his face, a bemused smile on his lips.

“Hey, we're here. You good?” 

Seungmin blinks, looking around. Sure enough, Hyunjin and Jisung are standing outside, shutting their doors behind them with a resounding thud. He hadn't even heard them get out of the car. 

“Oh. Sorry. Yeah, I'm good,” Seungmin replies awkwardly, his voice cracking a bit through the words. “Just checking the menu.”

He holds up his phone as proof, showing the open webpage to Felix before distantly wondering if the other will find it weird or strange. But Felix just chuckles. “Yeah? You were zoning out pretty hard there.”

Seungmin shrugs and unbuckles his seatbelt, avoiding Felix's gaze. He knows the older boy doesn't mean anything by it, but he can't help the slight prickle of unease at the observation. It's nothing. He opens the door.

“Took you long enough,” Hyunjin says when he steps out, playfully attacking Seungmin with weird claw-like hands. “Too busy texting your secret girlfriend?”

Seungmin rolls his eyes, batting away Hyunjin’s hands. He’s used to the teasing by now; it comes with being the youngest in the group. But it's still annoying. “Shut up. I was not texting a girl.”

Jisung slings an arm over Seungmin's shoulders, grinning widely. “Oh? Then who were you texting?” He wiggles his eyebrows.

“I was not texting anyone,” he amends.

Felix chooses this moment to emerge from the backseat, ruffling Seungmin’s hair. “Yeah, our Seungminnie doesn't really talk to anyone but us.”

Seungmin scowls, trying to look annoyed and hide the slight flush he knows must be on his ears. “I talk to plenty of people.”

Hyunjin snorts. “Yeah, sure. Us, your sister, your parents, and your professors. Riveting conversations you’re having there.”

Seungmin flicks him in the forehead, which just earns him another laugh. Jisung chimes in from his other side, his grin growing even wider. “Come on, perfect reason for me to introduce you to my music guys!”

Right. Jisung's new friends. Upperclassmen, and the reason Seungmin is so anxious about this dinner — he's comfortable enough with his friends, but strangers? He bounces on his toes nervously.

“They’re gonna love you dude,” Jisung continues as they make their way to the entrance. “They don’t believe that I actually know someone with the voice of an angel.”

“Please,” Seungmin scoffs, even as he ducks his head, pursing his lips to fight a smile.

Felix smiles up at him. “Don’t worry, they’re really cool,” he assures, linking their arms together.

The restaurant is lively and bright. They’re led to a booth, and Seungmin silently thanks the gods it’s one of the more secluded ones. It's bad enough his nerves were already frayed just from the idea of this; he doesn’t need other people's eyes on him on top of it.

Felix pulls Seungmin along by the wrist and gestures for him to slide in before following suit, his knees bumping against Seungmin’s under the table. He belatedly realizes he's squished against the window. Great. No escape.

Hyunjin and Jisung take seats on the opposite side of the booth, already chatting animatedly about some drama Hyunjin is currently obsessed with.

Seungmin is suddenly very aware of the close proximity, the feeling of Felix's knee against his making him hyper-conscious of every move he makes. He tries to shift, but there's really not much room for manoeuvre. 

Felix pats his knee. “You okay?” he asks quietly, so the others wouldn't hear.

Seungmin shoots him a smile and nods. “I'm fine.” He's being stupid, he should loosen up.

The sound of approaching footsteps has Seungmin’s head snapping up as two unfamiliar faces approach their table. Jisung grins and waves them over. The first one, dressed in all black, smiles back and slides into the booth next to Jisung, ruffling the younger’s hair in greeting. The second one, shorter with sharp features, takes the seat next to Felix and pinches his cheek, causing Felix to yelp and whine in complaint.

Jisung launches into the introductions, his excitement palpable. “Guys, this is Changbin hyung and Chan hyung; both are older than us and do music with me.” He gestures to each of them in turn.

Changbin salutes. “Sup, kids.”

“This is Hyunjin,” Jisung continues, pointing next to him, “And this is Seungmin.”

Hyunjin waves cheerfully, and Seungmin nods, putting on a polite smile.

Chan's eyes light up in recognition. “Jisung talks about you guys a lot.”

Hyunjin snorts and mutters something along the lines of “I'm sure he does”. Seungmin feels his face heating up, his smile turning a shade more sheepish. “Good things, I hope?”

Chan chuckles. “Only the best, don't worry.”

Changbin leans across the table with a grin. “He's been hyping up your vocals. Says you've got some insane range.”

Seungmin blinks, feeling a bit self conscious in front of these people he's never met. He gives a nonchalant shrug. “Ah, I don't know about that…”

Jisung shoots a smile his way. “He's humble too.”

Thankfully, they don't stay on the topic for long; the conversation flows from music to classes to the new video game Felix is dying to get everyone to play with him. Despite the hint of nerves still buzzing under his skin, Seungmin finds himself warming up to the older boys. There's something comfortable about them, both of them so charming and easy-going. For a moment he relaxes. Everything is fine.

That is, until a menu is placed in front of him and his chest suddenly feels tight, like someone's wrapped a hand around his lungs and is squeezing.

Seungmin glances down at the laminated sheet, feeling a wave of unease creeping up his spine, the urge to run away. It's silly. It’s just a menu, he's done this a million times before. But it feels suddenly much more daunting in a new place, with new people. The text swims before his eyes, blending together and making it impossible to concentrate.

He takes a slow, deep breath through his nose, trying to steady himself. It's fine. This is why he already looked at the menu, already prepared for this. 

The problem is that his brain, for some reason, immediately spirals into worrying about what the others will think of what he eats, that they'll comment on it, or somehow judge him for it. Of course, it's probably irrational, no one would really care, but…

The others are still talking, but he barely hears them, too focused on running his order through his mind, trying to ignore the pounding in his ears.

He doesn't even care. He doesn't.

He breathes in, out, and manages to order one of the options he decided on in the car — something safe, light, that he knows he'll like, and that won't be too messy. And… nothing happens, no one looks at him weirdly and the world doesn't implode on itself. Of course it doesn't.

He forces his muscles to relax, taking another slow, silent breath. Easy. Why was he so stressed?

The conversation has continued without him; he's grounded back into it when Felix breaks into laughter and leans into him, head falling onto his shoulder as he shakes with barely restrained giggles.

Seungmin looks down, notices the way the dim lighting casts shadows across Felix’s face, the way his eyes crinkle stupidly when he smiles like this.

“Oh my god,” Felix laughs, peering up at him. “Seungmin. Tell Hyunjin he's an idiot.”

“Hey!” the other protests. “Not fair. You're on my side, right Seungmin?”

Seungmin raises an eyebrow. He has no idea what this is about, but does he really need to? “You're an idiot,” he says dryly.

“See!” Felix shouts, and the rest of the table follows his laughter. Hyunjin slumps and makes a show of looking pouty and betrayed.

Felix continues giggling, still leaning on Seungmin's shoulder. He's close enough that Seungmin can feel his breath on his neck. It's kind of distracting.

He doesn't mind, though. It feels warm.

The food arrives soon afterwards. It looks delicious, but he can't help but stare down at it, the thought of actually eating making him uneasy.

But he has to. He can’t let the others know how weird he is about this. And he’s hungry.

He takes a deep breath in, then out, and starts picking at his food. 

Jisung and Hyunjin are bickering again, and Chan seems to be chiding them, but Seungmin’s head is buzzing with static. It's good. He's fairly sure it's good, at least. He doesn't really taste anything — It's a bit difficult to focus on the taste, or the conversation happening around him for that matter, everything blurring around him. His attention is focused solely on not drawing attention to himself. He actually quite likes being in the corner of the booth, now that he thinks about it.

Sure, Seungmin's always been a bit highly strung; there's always been a vague sense of needing to be proper, decorous in front of others — but it's rarely so overwhelming. Right now just the thought of taking each bite feels like a monumental task.

It's stupid. It's stupid and silly and embarrassing. He doesn't even understand where the feeling is coming from right now. All he knows is he wants to look good in front of his friends.

It doesn't feel like a lot of time passes, but it must be too much because he realizes everyone else is finishing up and — he looks down — he still has over half a plate full. What the hell? How did they eat so quickly? 

He slowly pushes his plate a couple inches forward, not wanting to be the only one eating. Then everyone would definitely stare at him.

Across from him, Hyunjin of course notices. “Seungminnie, you weren't hungry?”

“Uhh… Nah, not really,” he says, even though he is still a little hungry. It's fine. He can just get a box for it. “I had a big lunch, I guess.”

He doesn't really know why he said that. It just… came out, but the others nod and a strange thrill runs through him at how easy it was to lie. Sure, it's not over anything consequential, but still. Seungmin doesn't tend to lie about anything. It's kind of exhilarating, he realizes.

“That’s crazy,” Jisung says. “Lunch feels like forever ago, man.”

Seungmin shrugs. “I guess.” He glances down at the table without thinking too much of it.

...Felix is looking at him.

Seungmin can't really read his expression. Felix doesn't seem to suspect anything though, just smiles easily at him when their eyes meet.

Not long after, they say their goodbyes, Seungmin walking out of the restaurant with a box of leftovers and invitations from the two upperclassmen to keep in touch for opportunities to do some vocals for a few songs.

In the car, Hyunjin and Jisung start chattering again, but Seungmin tunes them out, eyes glued out the window, watching the world go by. The sky is just starting to go dark, night falling later each day as summer draws near.

Felix nudges him. “You’re quiet.”

Seungmin glances over. Felix looks so bright. “Am I?”

“Yeah,” Felix replies, a slight smirk on his face. “You’ve got the classic Kim Seungmin look.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He taps his chin, as if considering it. “The blank face. The wide eyes. The thousand-yard stare.”

Seungmin huffs out a laugh, torn between amusement and indignation. “I do not have a look.”

“Okay, my bad,” Felix grins, holding his hands up. “But, did you not have a good time?”

“No, I did. It was fun.”

Felix relaxes. “Good. I hope they wanna work with you. I think you’d hit it off.”

“Yeah, maybe,” he nods. “They seem pretty good.”

Felix hums, then gives him a sidelong glance. “You were being very agreeable tonight. It was kind of weird.”

Seungmin bristles at the suggestion. “...I’m always polite.”

“Sure,” Felix teases. “But not to that extent. Usually you're way more annoying.”

Seungmin shrugs, still feeling oddly detached. “You're annoying.” 

Felix laughs. He shifts in his seat, tilting his head a bit, eyeing Seungmin closely. His gaze is a bit too keen, and Seungmin turns away, eyes fixed back on the blurring world outside.

“Did you get enough to eat?” 

The question takes him by surprise, and he glances back over, his grip on the box in his lap tightening. “Of course,” he replies quickly.

It slides off his tongue a little too easily. He didn't even get to think about it before it came out. His heart thumps against his ribcage, guilt prickling his gut. He knows he should feel bad about lying, but there's also that weird rush in his chest again, like… adrenaline, or dopamine or something.

“Okay,” Felix smiles.

Luckily, before he has to say anything else, Jisung's attention is drawn to a song that fades in over the radio, and he starts scream-singing at the top of his lungs.

Hyunjin groans and starts shouting at him that he's being distracting and, “if we crash it's not my damn fault” — and the rest of the drive is drowned in the loud, comfortable noise of his friends.

—

Things go back to normal after that. He was just having a weird night.

Seungmin’s routine has always been a steady, measured thing. He wakes up, goes to class, studies, hangs out with his friends. Normal.

And he eats, too. Usually. If he starts missing meals here and there, it's only because classes are ramping up and he doesn't have time to meet up with his friends for meals as often. 

It's absolutely nothing to do with the feeling of a thousand eyes on him any time he enters the dining hall.

Things are fine. Everything's fine, he tells himself, even when he ends up skipping lunch a few days in a row because he's too anxious to go into the cafeteria. It's not that big of a deal, it's just lunch. And it's not like he hasn't skipped meals before. Like, he's fine, he's healthy. Everyone skips meals, they eat later, it's not a big deal.

Of course, he wants to eat. But his brain is just as capable of coming up with reasons not to, and he's learned that he can usually go a while before it becomes difficult. And, to be honest, it's not like he minds being hungry. It gives him a strange sense of satisfaction that he doesn't really understand himself.

He supposes, in a way, it's almost a relief. His mind has more space to focus on school. And even on other things — Jisung managed to convince him to record some vocals for a couple songs he and the upperclassmen he met have been working on. So, he's been hanging around the studios in the music department these days too. It's enough to keep himself distracted.

His friends are busy too, of course. There are tests and assignments and group projects and finals looming in the distance, and it's natural enough for Seungmin to decline their occasional invitations to go out. They know he isn't the most extroverted person anyway.

He sees Felix daily though, seeing as they live together. Seungmin, to his own annoyance, feels almost paranoid around him. It's a bit ridiculous, he thinks, to feel that way. Felix isn't looking too closely. There's no reason for him to be. Seungmin eats in front of him; it’s easier when it’s just the two of them.

He mostly eats alone though, tries to find time in the mornings before class, or brings food to his room during the day. 

He keeps telling himself he's not really skipping meals, just waiting to eat, and it's not a lie; it's not like he's starving himself or anything. He eats. He’s eating right now, sitting in the kitchen having breakfast, when Felix pads into the kitchen. 

“Mornin’,” Felix mumbles, not quite fully awake yet and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

Seungmin watches from the corner of his vision as Felix approaches; he looks adorable, and Seungmin lets his gaze drift over him — Felix's hair is rumpled from sleep, the morning light from the window making his skin glow, highlighting the sharp angle of his collarbones, the slender line of his throat. He yawns, eyes squeezing shut as his arms stretch out, causing his shirt to ruck up, revealing a strip of smooth stomach.

Seungmin swallows thickly and quickly looks away. “Morning.”

Felix pours himself a glass of banana milk and drops in the seat across from Seungmin, resting his chin on his hand and yawning softly.

Seungmin glances at him, then down at his cereal, stirring the spoon around idly. 

“What’re you up to today?” Felix asks.

“Not much. I have a math quiz,” Seungmin says, taking a bite of cereal and trying to chew as normally as possible.

Felix nods sleepily and sips his milk. His eyes are still half-lidded, but he watches Seungmin closely, head tilted to the side.

Seungmin finds it difficult to hold his gaze, suddenly hyper-aware of everything. Is he being normal? He feels like he’s being weird.

“You look tired,” Felix mumbles. “When did you sleep? You've been at the studio a lot.”

Seungmin shrugs, forcing another spoon of cereal into his mouth. “Not that late.”

Felix eyes him, expression unreadable. “Are the guys working you real hard?” he persists.

Seungmin snorts. “I don't think they're trying to work me to death. It's fun,” he says. “And it's nice to be busy.”

“Oh god,” Felix huffs out a laugh. “You sound like Chris. Please don't become a workaholic like him. I'm trying to get you to be less uptight.”

Seungmin rolls his eyes. “I won't,” he promises.

Felix continues to stare at him and Seungmin tries to keep up the pretense of normalcy, but he feels on edge, like he needs to escape. Please stop looking at me.

After another beat of silence, Felix stands up, stretching and yawning again. “'Kay,” he sighs, and Seungmin feels like he can breathe again. “I gotta get ready. I'll see you later, yeah? Good luck on your quiz.”

Seungmin gives a distracted nod. “Yeah. Yeah, thanks.” 

His body sags with relief when Felix leaves the room. He starts to get a weird feeling in his stomach — guilt almost, at the possibility that Felix could tell something’s up. But Seungmin’s not doing anything wrong, he reminds himself, and after a moment of staring into the cereal bowl, now undoubtedly soggy, he pushes it back and stands up to clear everything away.

—————

If Seungmin’s being honest with himself, which has been getting increasingly difficult lately, he’s not even trying not to eat. It’s not like he actively tries to skip meals. It’s just easy, is all. It’s effortless. He's been waking up later, struggling to roll out of bed until he doesn’t really have time in the morning for breakfast anymore, and then he’s usually busy studying around lunchtime so he skips that, too. It’s a good thing, really, because the school's cafeteria food is garbage anyway.

And if he starts losing weight — well, it's not like he couldn't stand to lose a few pounds. He doesn't really keep track of his weight either way.

He doesn’t think it’s particularly noticeable anyway; his friends don’t question it much. Just occasionally suggest that he should eat, or complain that he never has meals with them anymore, and he laughs it off, claims he’s busy or not hungry. He doesn’t think Felix notices anything either — the most his roommate ever does is give him a little pout when Seungmin starts turning down his offers to order food at night, but he lets it go too.

He feels better than he used to, at least he thinks he does. He feels lighter. And he likes it. But mostly, he likes feeling like he's in control of himself, his routines, his actions. It's grounding. It keeps him focused.

He spends a majority of his time alone, but he doesn't mind. His life is very precise. His class schedule is consistent, the places he goes, the hours he goes, every hour accounted for. If anything, not eating has opened up hours of his day; hours that could be better spent doing more important things. Literally anything else.

Still, when the hunger gets a bit too much, he figures he should try to meet with his friends for lunch. It helps to keep up appearances, to seem normal — even if his own sense of normal has drastically changed.

It's nothing to worry much about, he thinks, forcing himself to meet with the others in the dining hall.

Felix has a slice of pizza in front of him and Hyunjin pokes him and complains, “If you’re not going to eat that—”

Felix tries to shield it, slapping Hyunjin’s hand away. “Get your own! Get your own food, you goblin!”

Seungmin watches the scene unfold silently, a half-eaten sandwich in his grip and a faint smile on his face.

The cafeteria seems louder than usual today, too much commotion around him. The thought of eating in front of everyone is enough to make him nauseous, and he has to consciously go through the movements, taking the smallest little bites, and tries his best to swallow around the lump in his throat.

His friends are here, and it’s been a while since he’s had lunch, and he's hungry. He wants to eat.

He glances up, eyes scanning the room quickly. 

No one's looking. No one cares. But it feels like a million eyes are on him. His stomach ties itself up in knots. Like the moment he takes a bite, everyone in the room will look at him, knowing what he's doing.

Which is stupid, obviously. But even still… “I'm not too hungry,” he says, and finds that it's not even a lie. His appetite seems to have diminished as quickly as the time it takes him to wrap up the sandwich and put it in his bag for later. He's sure he'll finish it later. When there's less eyes on him.

Felix looks up at him with a raised eyebrow. “You didn’t eat much,” he observes.

He was watching. Seungmin swallows. “I’ll eat later. Not really in the mood right now.”

It really doesn't feel like a lie, but Felix's gaze seems like it's piercing straight through him. Seungmin quickly interrupts whatever the other might have been about to say with a clear of his throat as he slides his chair back and stands. “I actually have to… Uh, I wanted to hit office hours real quick. Chem, y'know.”

The words fly out easily, surprising Seungmin even as he says them. Hyunjin frowns and says, “Boo,” disappointedly; Jisung glances up from the game on his phone for a split second to say, “Nerd,” before returning his attention back down.

Seungmin rolls his eyes. “At least I'm not failing any of my classes,” he retorts. Jisung just flips him off without looking up from his screen.

Felix laughs and he leans back in his seat. “Okay, nerd,” he agrees. “See you later?”

“Yeah.”

He waves a vague goodbye and grabs his bag off the table, trying to ignore the twisting, guilty feeling in his stomach. He leaves the cafeteria, faintly hearing Hyunjin shriek, “Wait, Han Jisung, you're failing—” before he's out of earshot. He moves as quickly as possible without actually running, and he only manages to pass a couple buildings before he ends up with his back against the side of one, his heartbeat loud in his ears.

He’s sweating and his face is hot. Why does it feel like he just ran a lap? 

He lets his head fall back against the brick. This is ridiculous. He knows it’s silly, he really does, but he can’t shake the feeling that he’d almost been… what, caught? 

He takes a few deep breaths, trying to get a grip. It's fine. He’s fine. Nothing is wrong. He just lied again, sure, but it’s not like it was a big deal. A white lie. The kind that doesn't matter.

…God, he is awful.

Not because his friends know something. Because they don't, and Seungmin has somehow managed to trick them — to lie, like it's nothing. And he actually feels relieved to have gotten away with it. 

Seungmin can’t say he’s proud of himself. How has it come to this? He used to be honest.

He used to be normal.

He swallows. It's been a weird couple weeks. He’s just stressed. It’s his first year at university and he needs to finish strong. He has a lot of work to do. Finals are approaching, and… yeah. 

He pushes himself off the brick, grateful for the fact that it's not between classes right now so no one's really around. Well, it's not like he can actually go to the science building, unless he just wants to waste time. He heads for the library instead.

The cool air inside is a relief, and he ducks into a secluded corner table and sits down, letting himself relax. He pulls out his laptop, figuring he can at least get some work done while he's here, and his half-eaten sandwich stares at him from inside his bag.

Oh. He should eat it. That was the plan. He unwraps the sandwich and stares down at it.

He’s hungry. He is. The pangs in his stomach from earlier are still lingering, and the sandwich looks like the only thing in the world he wants right now, and yet…

He should eat the sandwich. He needs to eat it.

His fingers wrap loosely around the wrapper. And then he’s just sitting there, staring. His stomach feels weird. Acid swirls uncomfortably. This isn’t right.

The surroundings seem to close in on him; the soft sounds of people talking, pages rustling, the clicking of keyboards. He’s still in a secluded area, but the library is hardly an empty place. And people might be looking at him, noticing, judging the fact that he’s just sitting here with food in his hands and not eating it, they’re all staring—

He lets the sandwich slip from his grip and folds his arms on the table to bury his head into. He squeezes his eyes shut for a few moments and just tries to focus on his breathing, on the feeling of air in his lungs and of his chest expanding with each inhale. His own voice in his head is so loud. He doesn't want to think. He doesn't want to think about anything but the air filling his lungs. He wishes it was enough to fill his stomach too.

He doesn’t know how long he stays like that. Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Probably just minutes. He manages to lift his head eventually, blinking away the black spots left behind his eyelids.

He's fine. He's just a bit off these days. He'll get it together.

He packs the sandwich back up and shoves it in his bag, then leaves the library. He cannot miss class.

It's fine. It's fine. He will eat later, he promises himself.

—

The rest of the week slips by. He goes to class. He works on assignments. He eats enough to get by.

He does not eat lunch in the cafeteria anymore.

It’s just… a bit uncomfortable these days. It’s gotten to the point that he feels too awkward to eat even in front of his friends. He doesn’t like the weight of Felix’s eyes on him, as if he’s scanning every little movement Seungmin makes.

So he eats usually in his own room, when he can, and lets everyone get used to him eating less. After a while, no one bats an eye when he doesn't finish anything, when he turns down snacks and invites. 

No one cares. They’re all distracted with their own coursework and assignments and preparing for exams. Seungmin is just like everyone else. Busy. Stressed. Overworked. Normal.

At least, he thought so. But of course, Felix is too damn observant for his own good. Which is why it probably shouldn't be a surprise that, as Seungmin settles down on the couch next to him with a book and a glass of water, he brings it up. He keeps his tone casual, his eyes trained on the video game he’s playing, almost like it’s an afterthought.

“Are you dieting?”

Seungmin nearly chokes on his water. He coughs for a moment and shoots him a bewildered look. “What?”

“Are you dieting,” he repeats, eyes still fixed on the game, fingers tapping rapidly at the buttons on his controller. 

Seungmin swallows. How does he even respond to that? Denial seems pointless, Felix isn’t stupid. But admitting it feels even worse.

“...It's fine if you are, I guess,” Felix continues. “Not that you need to, like at all. I was just curious. I feel like I never see you eat anything these days.”

Seungmin frowns at that, because, “You do.”

“Barely,” Felix responds. He glances at Seungmin for a few moments, and Seungmin can’t stand it. “So, are you? Dieting?”

Felix notices how little he eats. He cringes. But also… Felix notices how little he eats. There's something electrifying at the thought of his self-control being appreciable to others. Because he is. In control, that is. He is in control and he's fine.

“I'm not,” he says, the words coming out a bit more curt than he intended. Even though he really isn't, not intentionally at least, it still feels wrong to say. He doesn't like that word. Dieting. It makes it sound… intentional. Voluntary. Something done with a reason, and a goal in sight.

“You're not?”

He picks at a loose thread on his sleeve. “No,” he says, more quietly this time. “It's just… finals are coming up so…”

The character dies on screen, and Felix lets out a disappointed sigh at the loss of progress. He finally lowers his controller, turning his gaze towards Seungmin.

“I know you’re busy,” he says. “But don’t overwork yourself, okay? You should always make time to eat.”

“Okay.” Seungmin has to fight off a wave of irritation. He does eat, he doesn't need to be lectured. He's fine. He’s got everything under control.

There’s a long silence. Then, he hears the quiet clatter of a controller being put down and feels the couch shift as Felix turns to look at him.

“Seungmin-ah.”

He’s not sure if he’s thankful or terrified of the way Felix’s voice has softened the slightest bit. It’s difficult to look at him like this. He’s all big eyes and concern, and Seungmin both hates it and craves it so intensely that it feels like his heart might explode out of his chest.

“What,” he says, voice strained.

Felix’s expression is too soft. He reaches out and tugs Seungmin closer, wrapping his arms around him before he can react.

“I’m not trying to tell you what to do, Seungmin,” he says with a sigh.

Seungmin can’t even find it in himself to struggle or pull away. He just sits there and lets Felix hold him, feels the way his heart is slamming against his ribs. Feels the way he suddenly doesn't want to be anywhere other than this, the safe circle of Felix’s arms, surrounded with warmth and a feeling like maybe there's something good in the world. 

“Just…” Felix hesitates. “Just take care of yourself, okay? That’s all. And don’t forget to eat before your classes, yeah? Don’t just go on caffeine all day like Jisung. He's an idiot.”

Seungmin manages a weak laugh, still caught in the prison of Felix’s arms. “Yeah, yeah. Okay.”

Felix holds him for another few seconds before he leans back and pats Seungmin’s head, grinning. “Good.” Seungmin almost misses the feel of Felix’s skin, but he pushes the thought away.

Felix grabs his controller, attention turning back to the screen as he loads his save. “Well, I'm glad if you're not dieting,” he says after a bit. “Come have lunch with us tomorrow. I miss you. I can only watch Jisung endlessly grind at his gacha games so much.”

Seungmin knows it’s a terrible idea. Knows it, knows he’ll regret it, and yet… “Okay,” he mumbles. Then, to change the topic, he glances at the game. “Can I try?”

Felix blinks, then grins at him. “What, you think you can do better than me?”

Obviously not. Still— “Sure as hell can't do worse,” he says, reaching out, and Felix laughs and pushes the controller into his hands before grabbing another for himself.

“Let’s do co-op. Maybe we'll actually have a fighting chance together.”

They fail, of course — over and over again, because Felix isn't very good at the game either and keeps getting distracted by the need to complain about the things they keep dying to, how they’re clearly flaws in the game design. Which is literally everything, apparently. But it's nice. 

When he looks over, Felix’s smile is like the sun, and Seungmin has to look away, feeling like he might actually disappear entirely under that light, melt into a puddle and drown in it; or fully ignite, like a big ant caught under a tiny magnifying glass. 

————— 

Seungmin ends up skipping lunch the following day anyway.

He tries to go. He wakes up feeling decent, like it’ll be fine, and he even skips breakfast in preparation. But then he thinks about the cafeteria and all of the other students and he's starting to feel a bit…

He distracts himself in classes and schoolwork but gets so caught up in it that time just seems to pass him by, and suddenly it's afternoon and the hunger is a dull, gnawing ache he’s managed to successfully ignore. 

He remembers the day with the sandwich in the library. That was out of his routine. If he just sticks to his routine, everything will be fine.

Definitely.

A knock on his door startles him out of his homework. He glances up at the clock and realizes hours have passed, the sun outside his window already beginning to sink, making the shadows grow longer. His stomach growls.

“Seungmin?”

He blinks, hesitating for a second before calling back, “Yeah?”

Felix peeks his head through the door, smiling when he sees Seungmin. “Hi.”

“Hey,” he says. “What's up?”

Felix strolls into the room and lets the door fall shut behind him. “I was looking for you,” he says, dropping onto Seungmin’s bed. He grins and stretches out across the surface, arms splayed out, as if it’s his own bed. 

Seungmin doesn’t think he’d mind if Felix decided to claim it as his own, honestly. “Looking for me?”

Felix nods, hands pillowing the back of his head, stretching the fabric of his shirt around his waist. Seungmin doesn’t know why his eyes decide to focus on that.

“Yeah,” Felix says, tilting his head back so he’s looking at Seungmin upside down. “I didn’t see you at lunch.”

Seungmin tries to maintain a blank expression, but he’s pretty sure he pales a bit at that. Stupid. He should have gone.

“Oh. Sorry.”

Felix hums and Seungmin waits for the inevitable question that he won't have an answer to. Why didn't you show up? Or, why aren’t you eating? Or even, are you okay?

But Felix just says, “It was boring without you.”

“Oh.”

The bedsprings creak a bit as Felix rolls over and props himself up on his elbows. “Hyunjin’s schedule finally allowed him to make it on time, which would’ve been nice but he and Jisung kept arguing like an old married couple.” He sighs theatrically. “It was hell.”

Felix pouts. Seungmin swallows nervously, but manages to roll his eyes. “Sounds like it.”

“I'm serious, it wouldn't have been nearly as painful if you were there,” Felix says, and he sounds sincere, as if his day was truly miserable because of Seungmin’s absence. It’s so ridiculous and yet… it does make him smile. “You’re, like, the glue, you know. We’re falling apart without you.”

Seungmin lets out a breath of laughter. “Are you trying to guilt me?”

Felix grins at him. “Is it working?”

It’s working so well. Felix is looking at him with those dumb sincere eyes, and Seungmin can almost taste the guilt, heavy like syrup, on his tongue.

“Maybe,” he admits quietly.

Felix’s expression softens. He pats the spot next to him on the bed. “C’mere.”

Seungmin frowns. “What?”

Felix pats the bed more incessantly. Seungmin stares. “You’re wrinkling my sheets,” he says weakly, not moving.

Felix just shrugs, making grabby hands at him

Seungmin hates that he gives in almost instantly. Why does he always do what Felix wants? He stands up from his chair and walks over, not sitting yet. Felix looks up at him for a moment, then grabs Seungmin’s arm and drags him down.

“Dude—” he starts to protest, but Felix is stronger than he looks and Seungmin loses his balance, falling onto the mattress, half on top of Felix.

Felix laughs — a bright, beautiful thing — and slings an arm around him, trapping him. He smells like vanilla. 

Seungmin tries to pull away, but Felix’s grip is tight. “Felix,” he grumbles, “Let me go.”

“No. You’re mine now.”

Felix grins and his free arm circles around Seungmin’s waist, pulling him closer, and Seungmin feels his heart stop for a moment. This is terrible. Felix is so close and warm and Seungmin is so tired. “Stop.” He puts a hand on Felix’s chest and tries to push himself up but Felix just tightens his hold.

“Nuh-uh. Stay.”

Seungmin glares. “I’m not a damn dog.”

Felix laughs and Seungmin starts to squirm a little, to no avail. “But you’d be such a cute puppy,” Felix coos.

“You’re annoying.” Seungmin’s face is probably very red. “Let me go.”

Felix shakes his head. “Only if you come to dinner with us tonight.”

Seungmin falters. He’s still pressed against Felix, and Felix’s arms are wrapped around him, keeping him locked into place. His heart is beating way too fast and he’s definitely too close, he’s about to just shove him away but then Felix says, “Please?”

It’s too much. Felix is looking at him with those big, wide eyes and he’s smiling his soft smile and Seungmin’s resolve is already cracking. He swallows.

“I don’t have a choice, do I?”

“Come on,” Felix pleads. “You never eat lunch anymore, and you weren’t at dinner the last few times either. It’s been, like, forever. I miss you.”

Seungmin sighs. Tries to pretend that hearing Felix say he missed him doesn’t have his heart pounding, make him feel like he’s flying. “...Alright.”

Felix grins, as if Seungmin has just given him the greatest gift in the world. “Yeah?”

He finally relaxes his grip, freeing Seungmin to push himself up. Felix stays laying back on the bed, though, and he looks so pretty with the fading evening sunlight painting his skin golden.

“Yeah.” 

Seungmin can’t believe he actually let Felix convince him to go. He just feels worn down, so, so tired, and giving in means he doesn’t have to lie or make up excuses anymore. At least for one night. He can do this. 

And he does really miss spending time with his friends.

“Oh my god. He lives!” Jisung whoops and hollers when Seungmin and Felix approach Hyunjin’s car, as if he didn’t already know Seungmin was coming from their group chat.

“Hey, loser.” Hyunjin grins at him when they get to the car. “I was beginning to think you fell into a black hole.”

Seungmin sighs. “Please don’t say things like that.”

He gets into the backseat. Felix takes the seat beside him, immediately leaning over to rest his head on Seungmin’s shoulder. It’s supposedly only a short drive, which is good, because Seungmin’s pretty sure that if he has to sit through the feeling of Felix pressed against his side for very long he’ll actually snap.

Felix hums along to the radio. Occasionally his fingers trace random patterns over the hem of Seungmin’s shirt or down his arm absentmindedly. Seungmin just lets it happen, lets his brain be filled with buzzing pleasant static.

He feels warm. He could close his eyes and fall asleep like this…

Felix taps his forehead. “Wake up, sleeping beauty."

Huh? Seungmin blinks his eyes open. “I… wasn’t sleeping.”

Felix gives him a dubious look. Jisung twists around from the passenger seat to grin at him. “You sure looked like you were.”

“He definitely was,” Hyunjin chimes in.

He’s about to tell them both to shut up and mind their own business, but then Felix says, “You’re cute like this,” and Seungmin’s words die in his throat.

He stares at Felix, because what is that supposed to mean, but Felix is just smiling at him. He feels his ears warming up. “Shut up,” he grumbles, and Felix giggles, poking his cheek.

“Are you blushing?”

Seungmin does not blush. He’s not blushing. He lifts his head and looks away; the parking lot outside the window is absolutely riveting.

Felix just laughs again and leans forward to grab Jisung’s shoulder. “He’s blushing,” he whispers loudly.

Jisung cackles. “Oh my god, cute.”

Why are all of Seungmin’s friends losers. “I hope you all fall off a cliff.”

“Wow! That’s so sweet of you, Seungie,” Jisung coos.

Felix pats Seungmin’s head as if he really is a damn dog. “You’re just too cute. Our sleepy maknae.”

Seungmin huffs and pushes his hand away. “Stop it.”

Felix grins. “So touchy.”

“Can we please,” Hyunjin groans. “Please all get out before I actually decide to run us off a cliff?”

Thank god for Hwang Hyunjin. Seungmin sighs and gets out, only to have Felix skip up to his side and link their arms together as soon as he approaches. Seungmin looks down at the place their skin is touching — Felix’s arm looped around his own, warm and firm. His heart is doing that thing it shouldn’t do and Felix is smiling, but Seungmin feels strangely hollow all of a sudden. His brain just feels slow. Tired. He wants to sit down.

“Sorry,” Felix suddenly says.

Seungmin blinks. “What? For what?”

He grins sheepishly. “For embarrassing you.”

Oh. “That’s not— It’s fine.”

Felix smiles and gives Seungmin’s arm a squeeze. “C’mon.”

Seungmin lets himself be pulled forward. The restaurant is one Seungmin’s not sure he’s ever been to, and he wishes he hadn’t been so stupid as to fall asleep in the car because he’s not familiar with the menu here.

They find a booth in the corner and Seungmin lets Felix shove him into the corner seat, sitting beside him. Jisung sits across from him and Hyunjin ends up on the end. Everyone starts reading the menu, and Seungmin stares down at his own, which is kind of spinning in front of his eyes. He doesn’t have much of an appetite.

He scans the items, and to his horror the numbers keep sticking out to him — calorie counts written neatly next to every dish, glaring at him almost gleefully. Seungmin shifts in his seat, an uncomfortable feeling settling in his gut. Even the safest choices look off-limits with those giant numbers next to them.

When had it started to matter to him?

Seungmin lets the others carry the conversation, his eyes focused on the laminated sheet in front of him. He grimaces. Everything just looks so heavy.

A finger taps on the table in front of him and he jerks, looking up. “Hm?”

Felix tilts his head at him. “I said, what are you getting?”

“Oh.” Seungmin glances down, as if he hasn’t been staring at the menu for the past five minutes. “I don’t— I don’t know, yet.”

Felix hums. “It all looks pretty good.”

Seungmin swallows — he’s suddenly way too conscious of himself and the way he’s sitting, his hands curled in his lap, his heart thudding in his chest like it’s trying to escape his body. This was a bad idea. He should have stayed home.

Felix is frowning at him. “Seungmin-ah, is everything okay?”

Seungmin looks away, trying to collect himself. He feels a bit like the room’s spinning. “Fine,” he manages. “I'm not feeling super hungry right now.” He bites his cheek. Stupid. Felix knows he skipped lunch. It’s so obviously a lie.

He expects protest, concern, maybe anger. He's bracing for it, but Felix just hums, scrutinizes Seungmin’s face. Then, “Okay,” he says easily. “Wanna share with me? I'm not super hungry right now either.” 

Seungmin blinks. He sounds so casual, and Seungmin wants to call bullshit because Felix is always hungry, and yet suddenly he’s okay with ordering less — just because Seungmin doesn’t want to?

“You… aren't?” he says weakly.

Felix shrugs, smiling, like it really is that simple. “I don’t want to be too full for dessert.”

Seungmin’s not sure it’s normal to be so affected by someone’s easy smile, their casual words. It makes his chest ache. “You’re ridiculous,” he manages with a laugh.

Felix giggles and shoves Seungmin’s arm. “Whatever. Just share with me. You like chicken, right?”

Seungmin hesitates for a moment, then nods. 

Felix smiles back at him like it's a sealed deal. Whatever. It’s better this way, he thinks. He’ll just have a little bit of what Felix orders. Then he can go home and go directly to bed, try to sleep off this strange dizziness.

“Alright, this is the fun part. Look at the desserts with me,” Felix says and starts pointing out items on the menu to Seungmin, his knee bumping against Seungmin’s under the table. “Like, look at this monster of a sundae. Holy shit.”

Seungmin looks, notices the number next to it — holy shit, indeed. He nods along before Felix finally settles on something — an enormous slice of cheesecake. “I need you to help me eat this,” he says, grinning.

Seungmin stares down at the tiny image. “I might die,” he says, and it might be the most sincere thing he’s said all day. 

“You will die,” Jisung interrupts, peering over the table to look at the picture. Seungmin had kind of forgotten he wasn't alone at the table with Felix this whole time. “Trust me. I speak from experience.”

Felix sighs. “But it’ll be such a happy death.”

Jisung nods somberly in agreement. “It is a damn good death. You’ll die happy.”

Seungmin snorts. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted,” he deadpans.

“Don’t worry,” Felix giggles. “Only a little diabetes.”

Jisung’s eyes light up. “Oh, no, it’s gonna be way worse than that,” he says. “Like, expect at least a quadruple bypass. Probably.”

“Jisung.” Hyunjin looks up from his phone. “Stop trying to scare them just so you can steal it for yourself.”

“I'm not!” Jisung protests, then turns back to Felix and Seungmin with a grin. “No, actually that's completely correct.”

They’re all idiots. Seungmin sighs and leans back in his seat — he's really tired, a bit lightheaded almost. He kind of wants to just put his head down and close his eyes right here.

“You okay?”

Seungmin blinks, looking over at Felix. “Huh?”

They're walking back to their dorm, having just said their goodbyes to Jisung and Hyunjin. The air is cold against Seungmin’s skin despite it being spring — he wishes the seasons could make up their mind. It feels like it’s getting colder.

“I asked if you're okay,” Felix says. “You’re quiet again.”

Oh. “Oh. I’m…” Seungmin laughs tiredly. “I’m fine.” He feels simultaneously better and worse after eating. Like, he's not as tired but he feels… disappointed. He was doing so well, not eating anything all day. It felt good. Now, it feels like he’s failed at something. Even if his friends ate more of his food than he did.

Felix nods and reaches over to take Seungmin's wrist in his hand, toying with the sleeve. “Yeah, just thinking?”

Seungmin shrugs. “A little.”

Felix squeezes his wrist and lets go with a soft sigh. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“…Yeah?”

Felix stops walking, forcing Seungmin to stop as well and turn to face him. “I’m serious.”

Something in Seungmin's chest seizes up, and he looks down, kicking a rock on the sidewalk in front of them. “I know.”

Felix sighs. “I’m just worried about you.”

“You don’t need to worry.”

Felix makes a frustrated noise. “Seungmin. You can’t just say that.”

Seungmin looks up at him. The streetlights cast a soft glow on his face, highlighting the sharp line of his jaw, the downturn of his mouth as he frowns. 

“I’m fine, I swear,” he mutters. “I’m just a bit... I dunno. Tired. It’s just finals stress.”

Felix stares at him for a long moment before finally turning away with a sigh. “You know the world won’t end if you don’t get straight A’s?”

Seungmin’s not too sure of that. He does know that his parents will be disappointed if he doesn’t, and he’s used to excelling at everything. He wants to do well. He knows he’s capable of it.

“I guess,” he says finally. They start walking again, but Felix’s pace is slower, and he reaches out to link his arm with Seungmin’s.

The campus is quiet at this time of night, but there are still people walking around, and does Felix really have to hang off of him like this? He still feels a bit dizzy.

“Can you—” He tugs his arm slightly, but Felix doesn't let go, so Seungmin sighs. “I swear to god, you’re more clingy than anyone else I know.”

Felix laughs and rests his head against his shoulder. The gesture is innocent, but it still sends a shot of something painful through Seungmin’s chest. “Is it bothering you?”

“Yes,” Seungmin mutters, but he lets Felix stay there, sticking to him like glue. “There are people around, you know.”

“So? You care what they think?” 

Seungmin wants to laugh. Like that isn’t all he does. “I mean, yeah, a little.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“I think that’s literally impossible.”

Felix raises an eyebrow, and Seungmin can practically hear the eye roll in his voice when he says, “And what? People will think we’re gay if I hug you?”

Seungmin stares at him incredulously. “Uh, yeah, probably?”

Felix doesn’t say anything, and Seungmin’s face heats up. “You don’t have a problem with that?”

“Why should I? I don’t care what they think,” Felix shrugs, and Seungmin can feel the movement against his shoulder. “You think someone’ll attack us or something?”

“I mean—” Seungmin stutters. “Maybe?”

Felix hums. “They can try and I’ll kick their asses.”

Seungmin’s breath hitches a bit and he looks away. Felix may be sweet and gentle-hearted but Seungmin often forgets how strong he is. He has, like, a gazillion medals in taekwondo for god’s sake.

Or maybe it’s the fact that their shoulders are brushing, and Felix’s arms are wrapped around his, the fact that he likes it more than he probably should.

“Right,” he says weakly, pretending his cheeks aren’t definitely pink. “My hero.”

“You don't believe me?”

Felix grins, his eyes wide and sparkling. He stops walking, forcing Seungmin to stop too as Felix grabs his other arm. Seungmin is stuck there, pulled towards him.

“I mean it,” Felix says, and he’s so close now that Seungmin’s pretty sure he can hear the sound of his heartbeat. Or maybe that’s his own. “Really. I’ll fight anyone who tries to mess with us.”

Seungmin has to look away. He’s suddenly terrified that Felix will hear the sound of his heart slamming against his ribs, somehow know that Seungmin feels things that aren’t normal. His face feels hot. His brain feels heavy, dizzy, filled with static. 

“Just— let go, would you?” he says finally, more forcefully than he means to.

Felix’s smile falters and Seungmin winces. Felix, to his credit, does immediately let go, murmuring a quiet, “okay,” and Seungmin closes his eyes for a moment, a wave of guilt welling up inside him. He didn’t mean to get upset, it’s just — it’s a bit overwhelming. He still feels tired, hungry, just on edge, and having Felix all over him isn’t helping.

He rubs a hand over his face. “Sorry. I’m just…” He looks up, but he can barely meet Felix’s eyes, his face burning. He just wants to go home. He thinks he’s probably going to end up crashing and staying in bed for the next twelve hours. He doesn’t know why he’s so tired. “I just— I’m not like you.”

Felix frowns. “No, I’m sorry. I thought you didn’t really mind.”

“I don’t,” Seungmin says quickly, still not quite looking at him. “I don’t. I don’t know. It’s just…”

Felix sighs and gives him a soft smile. “It’s okay. Not so much in public?”

Seungmin feels miserable. It’s not okay. He’s a bad person. He’s supposed to be normal. “Um. Yeah. Guess not.”

Felix pats him once on the arm. “Alright. Sorry I keep doing it.” 

Seungmin suddenly feels like he could cry. Why is Felix so understanding, so incredibly kind? Why can’t he just snap and get angry? Tell Seungmin he’s being ridiculous and stupid? This whole thing is stupid. All of it.

Seungmin manages a nod and doesn’t say anything for a moment. Felix starts walking again, and Seungmin has to catch up to him. “It’s not like I don’t like it. Sometimes.”

“Yeah?” Felix raises an eyebrow at him but keeps walking. He looks almost… amused.

Heat creeps up Seungmin’s neck. “Be quiet. Oh my god.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“Yeah, you totally—” Seungmin sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Your face was saying a lot.”

Felix grins at him, wide, unabashed, and Seungmin’s heart stutters in his chest. The lights around campus are dim, casting shadows against Felix’s face and highlighting the sharp angles of his cheeks, the glimmer of his eyes. He’s almost annoyingly perfect, just gorgeous, and Seungmin has to look away. It’s too much.

They continue like that for the rest of the walk, but as soon as the front door of their dorm closes behind them, Felix sneaks up from behind and wraps him up in a hug. Seungmin stiffens, but it's too late; Felix is already squeezing his waist and pulling him close.

“Oh my god,” Seungmin complains. “Let me go, you bastard.”

“Nope,” Felix teases, and Seungmin really can’t handle this, especially as Felix tucks his face into his neck and squeezes him. “You’re my hostage now.”

Maybe Seungmin is actually going to die here, trapped in Felix’s arms while he giggles against Seungmin’s neck. “I should call the police,” he mutters. 

Felix laughs again and leans against his shoulder. Seungmin doesn’t try to pull away again. 

“So, you only like me being clingy when we’re alone?”

Seungmin lets out a sharp breath through his nose. “Shut up,” he says. His stomach is doing the thing again. “I don’t have to listen to this.”

“I’m just saying,” Felix says, and Seungmin can feel him smirking. “I’ve got you all figured out. You just don’t want other people to see that you like me touching you.” His arms are still wrapped around Seungmin’s waist, and he gives him one more squeeze before finally letting go and skipping off to his bedroom. Seungmin stands there uselessly for a moment, because what the hell what the hell what the hell. He shakes his head and drags himself to his room, dropping onto his bed with a thud. 

He’s exhausted. Maybe he should eat something. Or just go to sleep. He’s not sure which he needs more. His limbs feel too heavy, his head is spinning. He groans and rolls over, burying his face into his pillow and inhaling slowly. It smells familiar. That’s nice.

Somehow, he falls asleep like that, in his day clothes, on his wrinkled sheets, and dreams of blue skies and freckles and tidal waves sweeping him up and carrying him away into the sea.

—————

a/n: (・＿・; probably will keep future updates just to ao3 since it's easier and i'm not expecting this to have a large audience here on tumblr tbh lol. but i'll let yall know when new chapters are posted!

update: next chapters are posted :) click below to read!